You have to start somewhere

30 April 2009

Luca died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. He was born two days later. A gorgeous 6 pound little boy, perfect in every way but his heart wasn't beating. Steve and I got to have him with us for a day.

I'm really struggling now. All my friends who were pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. One is a dear friend who lives just across the road so I see her often with her beautiful little girl. And when I go to church all the mothers are up the back feeding their babies, where I should be. And 6 of my friends are pregnant. It's tearing me apart, constantly torturing me with the thought that I should have Luca here with me. I want the simple joy back - the joy I used to feel when friends had babies and announced pregnancies.

I am supposed to be working on my Masters today while Eliana is in child care but I can't concentrate. The house is a pigsty. I'm having trouble eating. I'm just a complete mess.

Next month we're going to TTC again. It took almost a year to conceive Luca. I'll be shattered if it takes that long again. Every month added now is another month to get through before I know whether I'll ever have a live baby in my arms again. I had obstetric cholestasis during my pregnancy, and also during Eliana's pregnancy. She was ok and is now 3, Luca died after I didn't get the proper treatment for it, and I will probably have it again with number 3. I'm hoping that TTC will make it easer to be around babies and pregnant women. Some hope for the future.

My brightest hope that I only dare to hope in my good moments (haven't had one of those for several days) is that I wont get the cholestasis again. I've been seeing a naturopath and taking herbs to support my liver.

Alongside with feeling sadder again these last couple of weeks, the guilt has come back in force. More wishes. If only I'd...
But I can only go forward.

I have the same luteal defect I had when TTC Luca. At least now I know what it is and how to treat it. I feel really cursed though.

Well I think that's enough rambling for my first entry. I hope my next one will be more positive, if not in content, then in tone. Luca means 'bringer of light'. I really want to get past this overwhelming sadness. It's not what I want for he and I.