It took me 18 months to make him...

16 June 2009

I've really struggled to know what to say when people tell me to move on. But after having a really good friend and my dad say it in the last couple of days I've come up with:

It took almost a year for us to get pregnant and then I grew Luca inside me for almost 9 months. I can't get over losing him in five months.

But that's not really not quite right. How can I explain? I really want to be understood but the words don't come. And when they do, who's really listening?

Dad also said 'at least you've still got Eliana'. That's another favourite. I adore Eliana but I want both my children. What's hard to understand about that? He was almost here. He should be here. At least dad was talking about it and asked me some questions about how I was going etc. It was probably the most in depth talk I've ever had with him and I do really appreciate his effort. I'm trying to see other people's efforts positively, even if they seem to have forgotten or just want me to be better. It's so easy to assume the worst when I'm feeling worthless and vulnerable. I try to remind myself that I'm not the only one who has problems. I do try to focus on others and be loving and giving towards my friends and family.

The other day I had another person tell me that their pet just died so they understand what I'm going through now. Don't get me wrong, I think pets are great, but this really doesn't make me feel understood.

I'm trying to be gracious when people say the wrong thing. Grateful even. After all, I complain when people say nothing. And no one really can say the right thing because how could they honestly say 'it was all a big mistake. Here he is'.

Is there anything I can do?
Yes, you can turn back time and bring Luca back to me.
And if that isn't possible, just be on my side while I face the demons.
Molly Fumia.

So in other news, AF did come and I'm not pregnant. I know it's ridiculous to be this down about it. We've only been trying for two months. But I'm so worried it will take a year again. And my spirit is already crushed. Everybody seems to have an idea of what I should do. 'Go to my chiropractor... try my chinese herbalist... go see your GP... I know a woman who uses Brazilian herbs... there's that woman in Queensland - you should try her. And my all time favourite 'just relax'.

I wish I had some memories of Luca to keep me company during the dark times. If only I could have seen him cry, breath, open his eyes. If only he'd lived a day, an hour, even a minute. It would never have been long enough but it would have been something to go back to. And if he'd lived a while, maybe more people would understand that he was a real baby who matters to me and is bitterly missed by me.

Eliana got to meet Dorothy the Dinosaur today as part of the Red Nose Day lead up! She was pretty excited. I think she looks adorable in her little red tunic. She gave Dorothy a hug before posing for the photo. She was really very bold. I was very proud!!

I also took a cute picture of Eliana multitasking at Patrick's birthday party yesterday. A multitasking fairy!