My spirit feels crushed today.
Yesterday Luca would have been 6 months old. I spent much of the day 'with' him. My SIDS and Kids counsellor visited which was really good timing as I was able to talk about him for 2 hours. I looked through his photos and read the cards people sent when he was stillborn. I looked through his photos again with Steve. I set out some pages for his scrapbook, selecting photos and thinking about some lay outs. I held his urn, but as usual, didn't feel anything in particular. Just sad. I stood in his garden in the sun and tried to think that I have been blessed to have him. Bianca came over for a cup of tea - it was lovely to have some company. And I met mum and Eliana in Williamstown for coffee and cake. I cried for much of the day.
So I had plenty to do, for me, and for Luca. I thought it was good to set some time aside for him. But today I feel so crushed. For the first time in months I had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. My legs felt impossibly heavy. I don't feel like eating. I'm at uni but not really getting much done. I just want to cry.
I'm getting AF which of course is a source of sadness. I did a pregnancy test yesterday because I had thought I was pregnant this month and I thought if it was positive it would be nice to find out on Luca's 6 month anniversary. It was just a waste of a test though. I've never tested early before.
Steve will be out tonight. He's got umpire training and then he's going to the greyhound racing at Sandown. I'm dreading being all alone. I never used to be that way and I want the old me back - in so many ways, I want the old me back. I looked at my reflection today and I look ugly and tired. No spark and no substance.
How do I drag myself back up again? I know I need to go on with Luca, as my grief counsellor says. And the book I've been reading is all about connection with someone who's died. But I just want him back. That's all there is to it really.
Yesterday Luca would have been 6 months old. I spent much of the day 'with' him. My SIDS and Kids counsellor visited which was really good timing as I was able to talk about him for 2 hours. I looked through his photos and read the cards people sent when he was stillborn. I looked through his photos again with Steve. I set out some pages for his scrapbook, selecting photos and thinking about some lay outs. I held his urn, but as usual, didn't feel anything in particular. Just sad. I stood in his garden in the sun and tried to think that I have been blessed to have him. Bianca came over for a cup of tea - it was lovely to have some company. And I met mum and Eliana in Williamstown for coffee and cake. I cried for much of the day.
So I had plenty to do, for me, and for Luca. I thought it was good to set some time aside for him. But today I feel so crushed. For the first time in months I had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. My legs felt impossibly heavy. I don't feel like eating. I'm at uni but not really getting much done. I just want to cry.
I'm getting AF which of course is a source of sadness. I did a pregnancy test yesterday because I had thought I was pregnant this month and I thought if it was positive it would be nice to find out on Luca's 6 month anniversary. It was just a waste of a test though. I've never tested early before.
Steve will be out tonight. He's got umpire training and then he's going to the greyhound racing at Sandown. I'm dreading being all alone. I never used to be that way and I want the old me back - in so many ways, I want the old me back. I looked at my reflection today and I look ugly and tired. No spark and no substance.
How do I drag myself back up again? I know I need to go on with Luca, as my grief counsellor says. And the book I've been reading is all about connection with someone who's died. But I just want him back. That's all there is to it really.
No comments:
Post a Comment