Sometimes I feel like I was so close to having Luca in my arms alive and well, that surely there must be some way I could go back and retrieve him. Of course I know this is not possible but I find myself thinking it sometimes. I've come to think of it as magical thinking. Wish it was really magic.
I've been in Tassie with a girlfriend and our girls (my 3yo and her 1yo) for a week. Stupidly I booked the holiday across my fertile time. We BDed the night I got home but I had a temp rise the next day. Fertility friend has deemed it too late. I guess we'll see. I still had LP spotting last month anyway.
It's a bit deflating being at home again after being away on holiday. I'm stressed about my Masters and the house is all messy. I wanted to go to my local ABA gather and chat this morning but I just couldn't. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to love doing.
I mentioned to a counsellor yesterday that Steve is getting tired of me. She said I should write a letter to Luca telling him how good a dad Steve would have been to him, and then leave it lying around for Steve to read. I'm not too sure about the whole letter writing thing though. I don't feel that Luca knows I am doing it. I'd love to feel that he is with me in that way - watching down on me but really I don't. The best I can do is feel that I carry him in my heart and that he may cause some positive change in my life.
The counsellor got me to do a depression questionnaire. I got 26. Over 20 is depression worth worrying about. She said I should consider seeing a GP for some Zoloft (antidepressant). I don't want to mess with my body now though, not while I'm TTC. If anything happened to our next baby that I could possibly blame myself for I really couldn't live with it. My guilt over Luca is so great already.
Today I talked to my friend about her mother who is expected to die from cancer soon. I had conversations that I never would have had before losing Luca. I just wouldn't have known what to say. Not that I know now, but I know to say something and see where it leads. Last week I wrote the first poem I have written since we had to write them at school. My friend's sister Mary died a couple of years ago and it was Mary's birthday while we were away so I wrote a poem about her. I read it to my friend on Mary's birthday and it made her cry. I think she really appreciated it. The old me would definitely not have done that. So, thank you Luca, my darling boy. Whether you can 'hear' me or not, thank you for the gift you gave me in you, and the gifts you are still giving me. I hope I can be strong enough to see what they are and to use them fully.
I've been in Tassie with a girlfriend and our girls (my 3yo and her 1yo) for a week. Stupidly I booked the holiday across my fertile time. We BDed the night I got home but I had a temp rise the next day. Fertility friend has deemed it too late. I guess we'll see. I still had LP spotting last month anyway.
It's a bit deflating being at home again after being away on holiday. I'm stressed about my Masters and the house is all messy. I wanted to go to my local ABA gather and chat this morning but I just couldn't. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to love doing.
I mentioned to a counsellor yesterday that Steve is getting tired of me. She said I should write a letter to Luca telling him how good a dad Steve would have been to him, and then leave it lying around for Steve to read. I'm not too sure about the whole letter writing thing though. I don't feel that Luca knows I am doing it. I'd love to feel that he is with me in that way - watching down on me but really I don't. The best I can do is feel that I carry him in my heart and that he may cause some positive change in my life.
The counsellor got me to do a depression questionnaire. I got 26. Over 20 is depression worth worrying about. She said I should consider seeing a GP for some Zoloft (antidepressant). I don't want to mess with my body now though, not while I'm TTC. If anything happened to our next baby that I could possibly blame myself for I really couldn't live with it. My guilt over Luca is so great already.
Today I talked to my friend about her mother who is expected to die from cancer soon. I had conversations that I never would have had before losing Luca. I just wouldn't have known what to say. Not that I know now, but I know to say something and see where it leads. Last week I wrote the first poem I have written since we had to write them at school. My friend's sister Mary died a couple of years ago and it was Mary's birthday while we were away so I wrote a poem about her. I read it to my friend on Mary's birthday and it made her cry. I think she really appreciated it. The old me would definitely not have done that. So, thank you Luca, my darling boy. Whether you can 'hear' me or not, thank you for the gift you gave me in you, and the gifts you are still giving me. I hope I can be strong enough to see what they are and to use them fully.
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