7 August 2009
So I'll be four weeks tomorrow but I can't stop telling people. I figure if I could get through telling people my baby died when I was 35 weeks pregnant, then if I have a miscarriage I can get through telling people about that too.
We planted a tree for Luca on the weekend at Dad's property in Araleun. It was really special.
I'm going to the doctor to get another mental health plan next week, so that I can get a medicare rebate on counseling. I really feel like I still need to deal with particularly my guilt, and less so my anger.
There's a memorial service on at the Women's on monday and I'm really hoping that will help me heal my feelings towards the hospital a bit. I'm taking part in the ceremony too. At the moment I just don't know how I'm going to be able to endure getting my antenatal care there again. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks. It is very different when you have had a baby die. With Luca my first appointment was at 17 weeks, even though Eliana's pregnancy had been high risk. This time it is at 6 weeks.
My friend Mel made the sweetest offer when I told her I was pregnant. We had lunch on Thursday. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She said that if I wanted to see her obstetrician during my pregnancy she would pay the $5000 for me. I burst into tears I was so touched by her offer. In a cafe! I wouldn't dream of taking her up on it but it was just so sweet of her.
I went back to work this week. The first day was hard but ok. Same with the second day. Most people pretended that nothing had happened or said stupid things like 'at least you have your daughter' or 'at least you can get pregnant' but I was expecting that and although it was hard, it was manageable. After all, I've been through that already with so many of the other people in my life.
Today, however, was a nightmare. Hazel who I work with closely hadn't been told that my baby died. She doesn't work in our office - she's a consultant - but neither my boss nor the person filling in during my maternity leave had bothered to tell her. I was heartbroken when she sent me a very cheery email welcoming me back to work. When I wrote back saying it was hard going back to work from maternity leave without a baby she replied saying she hadn't known. I told my boss that it had upset me which made me feel even worse because he was very insensitive about it. He's said all of three sentences to me since I've been back. So now I seriously want to run away and never go back. I can't stop crying about how horrible work was and it's stolen my pregnancy joy.
You are not meant to go back to work from maternity leave without a baby. It's just not right. One of my workmates introduced me around the new people 'this is Rebecca. She's been on maternity leave'. I was waiting for one of them to say 'what did you have?'. But then even worse - after a few people she changed it to 'this is Rebecca. She's been on um... long leave'.
There's a memorial service on at the Women's on monday and I'm really hoping that will help me heal my feelings towards the hospital a bit. I'm taking part in the ceremony too. At the moment I just don't know how I'm going to be able to endure getting my antenatal care there again. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks. It is very different when you have had a baby die. With Luca my first appointment was at 17 weeks, even though Eliana's pregnancy had been high risk. This time it is at 6 weeks.
My friend Mel made the sweetest offer when I told her I was pregnant. We had lunch on Thursday. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She said that if I wanted to see her obstetrician during my pregnancy she would pay the $5000 for me. I burst into tears I was so touched by her offer. In a cafe! I wouldn't dream of taking her up on it but it was just so sweet of her.
I went back to work this week. The first day was hard but ok. Same with the second day. Most people pretended that nothing had happened or said stupid things like 'at least you have your daughter' or 'at least you can get pregnant' but I was expecting that and although it was hard, it was manageable. After all, I've been through that already with so many of the other people in my life.
Today, however, was a nightmare. Hazel who I work with closely hadn't been told that my baby died. She doesn't work in our office - she's a consultant - but neither my boss nor the person filling in during my maternity leave had bothered to tell her. I was heartbroken when she sent me a very cheery email welcoming me back to work. When I wrote back saying it was hard going back to work from maternity leave without a baby she replied saying she hadn't known. I told my boss that it had upset me which made me feel even worse because he was very insensitive about it. He's said all of three sentences to me since I've been back. So now I seriously want to run away and never go back. I can't stop crying about how horrible work was and it's stolen my pregnancy joy.
You are not meant to go back to work from maternity leave without a baby. It's just not right. One of my workmates introduced me around the new people 'this is Rebecca. She's been on maternity leave'. I was waiting for one of them to say 'what did you have?'. But then even worse - after a few people she changed it to 'this is Rebecca. She's been on um... long leave'.
No comments:
Post a Comment