Had my first appointment at the hospital yesterday. I thought I was doing ok until afterwards when I booked my next appointment (for when I'll be 12 weeks) the lady at reception gave me my appointment card. I started weeping. I spent a lot of time looking at Luca's card after he died - wishing I hadn't postponed appointments, thinking how few I'd had, thinking about the timing of the ones I had, and what if, always what if. Then I put it away. Now I have a new card, a new pregnancy, and my pregnancy with Luca is haunting me. I suppose the new card should be a sign of a fresh start - I will not make the mistakes I made last time and this time I will receive proper maternity care.
The consultant was really good. He acknowledged that it was hard for me to return to the hospital and said that if I find it hard to wait in the waiting room I can announce myself on arrival and go sit in the cafe downstairs, waiting for someone to text me. He explained how to contact the day unit if I want any fetal monitoring and how to contact him at any time. He's going to provide my pregnancy care himself. The only thing is, I'm so cynical now that I wonder if he is worried about me suing the hospital - it really was pretty over the top. My friend Lou says maybe he just feels for me. She's probably right.
I have a scan booked in for 3 September when I'll almost be 8 weeks. So that's another little milestone to get to. My consultant says not to look too far ahead, to make it to each goal eg 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan... just looking to the next one.
I'm going to have the down syndrome screening this time. I didn't with Eliana or Luca but my whole outlook on pregnancy has changed now. We probably wouldn't go on to have a diagnostic test and definitely wouldn't terminate but I'm hoping I'll get a low risk result on the screening and it will just be one less thing to worry about during my pregnancy.
I told my boss I'm pregnant. He was quite nice about it really, although I had to chuckle at him trying to give me advice... 'what you have to do is not panic and don't get all anxious about it'. Right. I'll be sure to do that! I'm going to keep the news from most of my workmates until after 12 weeks if I can. I just can't deal with their reactions right now. They'll be all happy and want to talk about it, and barely any of them have mentioned Luca - I just don't know how I'll bear it. Although I think I'm already getting a belly (is that even possible?) so I don't know how I go. I think they are pretty familiar with my maternity wardrobe by now. I put photos of Luca up at my desk when I went back to work a few weeks ago - nothing too offensive - just one of his hand holding mine and one of the four of us, in which he is quite small. Yesterday was the first time someone commented on them. Natalie who works in another section said they were beautiful and asked to see more. She completely made my day.
Eliana is sweet talking about my pregnancy 'who will it be?' she says. The other day she said 'Are you having a baby mummy?'. 'Yes'. 'Why?' 'Because we want a little baby here with us. Do you want a little brother or sister?'. Eliana misinterpreted and thought I was asking which she would like. 'A sister' she said, 'a sister is a girl baby'.
I found out today that my mum's been telling her friends about my pregnancy (one of them congratulated me when she answered the phone). I was really touched. Mum plays her cards pretty close to her chest. My friend was telling me that she saw mum the other day and said to her 'Hopefully they'll be lucky this time' and mum said 'They've already been lucky twice'. My friend was sorry she put her foot in it but I'm not sorry - I would never have known mum thought that otherwise. It brings tears to my eyes writing about it.
One of my very best friends rang to tell me that she's pregnant the other night. 6 weeks, so we're almost the same. I'm so thrilled. If you had of asked me during Luca's pregnancy whether Andrea and I would ever be pregnant together I would have said 'of course not'. I was completing my family and she wasn't ready for another one yet. But here we are pregnant together after all. They used IVF last time and were just getting ready to do it again when she fell pregnant naturally so it's just fantastic news.
So that's four good friends that I'm pregnant with. Even though I found it hard to see my friends go on and have their healthy babies last time I wouldn't wish away the times we spent talking about our pregnancies, planning how we'd spend our maternity leave together, complaining, dreaming, hoping. I think it's a really special aspect to being pregnant. It will be even better if my baby gets to grow up with the others this time.
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