13 June 2009
I'm spotting still. Expect AF tomorrow, but I always hope until she actually turns up. I feel like getting plastered if I'm not pg. I never drink to get drunk but I've been thinking that the last few days! Haven't had alcohol since I got pregnant with Luca this time last year so maybe I will have a drink.
I went to a Liz's maternity farewell afternoon tea yesterday at work. I didn't break down in public thank goodness. It was really hard though. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack when I first walked in. We have the same boss so when he was giving his farewell speech it was like de ja vu. He was giving mine in December. And I know he would have said much the same for me 'good luck with the birth. We're looking forward to seeing the baby. Enjoy your time off'. But the good luck didn't happen. I never got to show off my baby. And I haven't enjoyed my time off. I do feel like a symbol of what can go wrong too. I hope she was pleased I came, rather than reminded of what can go wrong.
Everyone said they were looking forward to me coming back, but I'm dreading it. I would love to take more time off but we can't afford it. At least the swine flu command centre has moved away from our floor. It's on the first floor now because they needed more space. Not sure if my boss is planning on me helping with it. I stupidly said 'good thanks' when he asked how I was yesterday. Now I'm worried because I want him to know that I'm not ok. I wont be just the same as ever.
I was trying to think yesterday about the progress I have made. I came up with:
- I'm not nauseous in the mornings any more. The first couple of months after Luca died I threw up sometimes in the morning and couldn't really eat much.
- I've gone into uni
- I've gone to my first maternity leave farewell
- I've gotten through my first children's birthday party
- Survived mother's day
- I don't cry myself to sleep much any more
- I don't feel like I can't breath any more
- I've almost stopped crying everytime I drop Eliana off at child care (where I should be settling Luca in now)
- I can hold babies without crying. Although I certainly feel like crying.
- I don't stare at pregnant women and babies quite so much when I'm out and about
- I don't spend hours at night any more thinking about the ways I failed Luca
But all in all the sadness is never far away. And when I wake up at night I now think about something happening to Eliana. I have these what if movies going on where she runs onto the road or I see her face down in the water at the beach. All I can really do is hope that 'this too will pass'.
Steve is umpiring today but I don't want to go. It's too cold. And I don't want to stay home - I get too sad and find it too hard with Eliana (I'm so ashamed to say that - I do love her, it's just really hard right now). I'd like to invite myself over to a friend's house but I worry these days. I think 'who would want to hang around me?'. I just want to talk about Luca, at least some of the time anyway. And people find me sad. Lately I've taken to looking at photos of myself smiling on Christmas day and thinking 'that's when I used to be happy'.
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