So here I am again in the 2WW. My chart was all over the place this month. FF thinks I ovulated on day 10. I think it was around day 15 though. The thing with charting is it can give me an illusion of control. I'm doing something, right? But when the 2WW comes around it becomes quite obvious that I'm not calling the shots. I'm trying not to get too hopeful this month, as last month I was shattered when I wasn't pregnant. I've started to think that it might be ok if it takes a while. Not what I want but ok. I guess that's all part of the healing. I've moved from being resentful that I ever have to worry about fertility and being pregnant again, through trying to think positively about a future pregnancy but being extremely anxious that it doesn't take as long to conceive as with Luca, to being less worried and more hopeful. This could change at any time without warning I'm sure. I think it helps that I've been able to talk more about Luca lately. Thank goodness for people who listen and even better ask questions or talk about him themselves!
Mum and I knocked a wall out in the kitchen today. Getting ready to make me a pantry. Hooray! And I got the car serviced so very productive.
I've finished a couple of pages in Luca's scrap book. One is Eliana's page and the photos are her helping to plant Luca's garden. The other is one for Steve and I. When your baby dies you do feel like if you can get through this you can get through anything and I wanted to make a page especially for us.
Mum and I knocked a wall out in the kitchen today. Getting ready to make me a pantry. Hooray! And I got the car serviced so very productive.
I've finished a couple of pages in Luca's scrap book. One is Eliana's page and the photos are her helping to plant Luca's garden. The other is one for Steve and I. When your baby dies you do feel like if you can get through this you can get through anything and I wanted to make a page especially for us.
I've been going OK this week I think. Steve is away all week in Canberra for work and Eliana is sick but it's been ok emotionally. Had a bad day last week when my friend at work posted photos of her newborn baby boy on facebook and he looked really like Luca, except alive. That was very very hard. At Louise's house last night she went to tend to her 4 month old and left me to look at the photos on her computer. I scrolled through and of course there were so many of her daughter. They made me very sad. Not because of what she had, but because of what I have missed out on. Photos of first breastfeeds, family members holding the baby (I have a few of these but my family members look miserable - hers are beaming), family outings with the baby, mum with the baby, dad with the baby, first smiles. And a sense of the happiness that slipped through my fingers.
I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep - thoughts keeping me up again. The guilt revisited. Going through things I could have done/should have done. Mandy came to visit today and I talked to her about the guilt. She said she thinks I'll have those thoughts for some time but I'll be ok. Not stuck. OK. I really want to see the sunshine again. I'm weeping now just thinking about it.
I had my work in progress talk at uni on monday for my masters. I was worried that one of the students who I haven't seen since I was pregnant would ask how my baby was just before I was due to give the talk. She did ask, but not until afterwards thank goodness. She asked in front of two students who don't know me. They didn't know where to look when I answered. I think they wanted to run away. It's been a while since I've told someone new. I still find myself saying that I didn't get the treatment I needed and that I feel guilty and angry. I'm not sure that I want those things to be the central part of Luca's story though. Maybe I can practice other things I could say. Or maybe I just need to get it out a bit more and my focus will change over time.
Better get off to bed. I'm meant to be having an early night.
I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep - thoughts keeping me up again. The guilt revisited. Going through things I could have done/should have done. Mandy came to visit today and I talked to her about the guilt. She said she thinks I'll have those thoughts for some time but I'll be ok. Not stuck. OK. I really want to see the sunshine again. I'm weeping now just thinking about it.
I had my work in progress talk at uni on monday for my masters. I was worried that one of the students who I haven't seen since I was pregnant would ask how my baby was just before I was due to give the talk. She did ask, but not until afterwards thank goodness. She asked in front of two students who don't know me. They didn't know where to look when I answered. I think they wanted to run away. It's been a while since I've told someone new. I still find myself saying that I didn't get the treatment I needed and that I feel guilty and angry. I'm not sure that I want those things to be the central part of Luca's story though. Maybe I can practice other things I could say. Or maybe I just need to get it out a bit more and my focus will change over time.
Better get off to bed. I'm meant to be having an early night.
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