I feel sad. Think positive. I feel sad...

13 July 2009

Things just keep happening that reinforce my sadness. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm feeling negative. You know that feeling you get that everything you touch turns bad? And then when you are down you notice all the bad things and minimise the good things.

Yesterday at church one friend was congratulating another on the birth of her baby. She told her 'you've done well' and I just thought, 'what does that mean I've done?' People say these comments to women who've had babies all the time. 'Well done' they say. So that means I have failed, done badly. I do feel like such a failure.

I went to my nephew's first birthday party. I've known lots of my sister's friends for years and they are usually really friendly. But yesterday I felt like I had the mark of death on my forehead, as people tried not to make eye contact, let alone talk to me. I realise that people don’t know what to say – I’m well acquainted with the concept in fact – but it doesn’t make it any easier. I worked Luca into a conversation with one of my sister’s best friends and she said ‘oh no I’ve made you sad’ and I said what I always say ‘it’s ok, I like talking about him’. ‘Well it makes me too sad’ she said, followed by ‘you don’t want another one anyway – it’s too much work’. What are people thinking when they say these things? There was about 7 baby boys there. I couldn't believe it, but I'm glad I hadn't realised there would be so many - I was already anxious enough about going. Just the effort of trying to look happy and not cry for several hours in a row was exhausting.

I did get AF. I was hopeful right to the end, even though I thought it was coming. I'm trying to look forward. Don't look back - it's dangerous - guilt, anger and failure lurk there waiting to strangle me.

I've got two support groups this week. Maybe they'll help get some things out. Both are SIDS and Kids groups - hope and healing tomorrow night, and subsequent pregnancy (which you can go to pregnant, trying, or thinking about it) on wednesday night. I missed the SANDS one tonight as I was trying something different - yoga! It was quite good and something very protective happened - there were no babies and no pregnant women. I know that's a horrible thing to enjoy but it was a break from being surrounded by people who have what I want and don't have.

So, good things. DH just brought me a cup of my favourite tea (Bright Night from T2); the cricket has finished so Steve's not watching it tonight; I've started yoga classes; my friend Belinda came over today and she brought flowers for me; DH and I are going to a church retreat on the weekend without Eliana; I've been working on some more pages for Luca's scrapbook and have also started Eliana's - I'm looking forward to showing them off.

I really need some long term good things too. Things to look forward to. Things to take my focus off what-if-I-never-have-a-live-baby-again... my constant background thought that runs and runs, unless I make the mistake of looking backwards and it is drowned out by I-killed-my-baby. Should have has become my closest companion. Will it help to get pregnant again? Will it help to have another baby? Or will I always feel like a failure for failing Luca?