Church was torturous again yesterday. I'm thinking about not going for a while. But I'm worried that Steve will be ashamed of me. I think he's getting sick of me anyway. The other night I practically begged him to give me some encouragement and he hardly had anything to say. So I cried even more. It's not that hard - just lavish me with love and affection. Help me to feel like I'm not completely worthless.
Saw my SIL yesterday. She told me about her brother who died 10 years ago. She said she felt a lot of guilt over his death and she still feels guilty even now. So I guess it doesn't go away - you just learn to live with it. She said she doesn't think about it all the time now, but when she does it's just as fresh. I feel so bad for her... it's bad enough having someone you love die without thinking that it could have been prevented. Without thinking that it could have been prevented BY YOU.
I'm thinking about offering to go into work and help out. Apparently the Swine Flu room is now being manned from 8am to 10pm and they need 12 people per shift. But I'm still struggling with thoughts that if I hadn't cared about my work too much when I was pregnant with Luca I wouldn't have switched back to midwife treatment (to get into work earlier) and I may have gotten the right treatment and Luca may be here. Fairly or unfairly, these thoughts are making me resent my boss (and hate myself). And I guess my priorities have changed.
My friend wrote me a poem a while back:
Saw my SIL yesterday. She told me about her brother who died 10 years ago. She said she felt a lot of guilt over his death and she still feels guilty even now. So I guess it doesn't go away - you just learn to live with it. She said she doesn't think about it all the time now, but when she does it's just as fresh. I feel so bad for her... it's bad enough having someone you love die without thinking that it could have been prevented. Without thinking that it could have been prevented BY YOU.
I'm thinking about offering to go into work and help out. Apparently the Swine Flu room is now being manned from 8am to 10pm and they need 12 people per shift. But I'm still struggling with thoughts that if I hadn't cared about my work too much when I was pregnant with Luca I wouldn't have switched back to midwife treatment (to get into work earlier) and I may have gotten the right treatment and Luca may be here. Fairly or unfairly, these thoughts are making me resent my boss (and hate myself). And I guess my priorities have changed.
My friend wrote me a poem a while back:
BECI love the words 'you're far away with Luca today'. It explains so well how I often feel. Disconnected. Like the here and now doesn't matter much. I'm still busy puzzling over what could have been.
Sorrowful eyes,
Heartbroken sighs,
I wish I could ease your pain.
But you're far away,
With Luca today,
Wishing you could hold him again.
When a baby cries,
Tears come to your eyes,
The sadness is always so near.
Not much I can do,
To help you get through,
But if you need me, I’m here.
I'm off to the natural fertility woman today. Have printed out my charts. Had to use Eliana's pink paper as I've used all the white. Hope she can help.
No comments:
Post a Comment