19 July 2009
The weekend was really challenging. It should have occurred to me that if church for a couple of hours is hard because of all the babies and pregnant women, a whole weekend marrieds retreat was maybe not a good idea. But it didn't. I was looking forward to it because last year I enjoyed it so much. Then I was standing there in the dining area of the camp and had the strongest feeling of de ja vu, but a really bad de ja vu... Last year I was right here, pregnant, excited about completing our family. This year everything was just the same, except me.
Where did that happy, confident woman go? The one who didn't worry, didn't stress, was never anxious? The one with hope in her heart about the future? I want to know, because I want her back.
For a break during the weekend Steve and I went to an op shop and then had a coffee in Dromana.
We were just across from the beach so we went to watch the sunset. It was very windy and choppy and I stood at the water by myself and let the noise in my heart out. Not a scream, not a grunt, more like a primordial aaaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrrr. It was loud and it came from deep within. I felt stupid doing that with Steve standing near me, but I've had so few opportunities to really express myself like that. I have a lot of different feelings from day to day but it felt like anger I was letting out then. The sheer unfairness of it all.
One good thing about the weekend was that lots of people were kind enough to listen to me and talk with me. I think I looked so demolished that for once people didn't assume that I'm all better. I got to talk about my struggles with God - if he let my baby die (or even made it happen?) then how can I seek comfort from him? Of course there is a bigger question here. Why do bad things happen to good people? And no one knows the answer to that. We try.... because of sin in the world; to teach us something; for purposes we don't yet know; so that we appreciate the good etc etc. But when it is your baby who dies none of these are really enough. They go some way to explain why abstract, far away suffering occurs. But not mine, not me, not my baby. When it happens to you, you realise that it doesn't make sense after all.
On friday I heard that my friend from work had her baby boy. It really brings it all back every time. The wanting, yearning, pining. I hope it will get better when (if) I get pregnant. Fourth cycle since we've been trying now, but I've been feeling more and more that this time has joined onto last time (when we were TTC Luca). So that's coming up to 2 years.
I think the scrapbooking materials I ordered online are waiting at the post office - I got a parcel carded on friday. So can't wait to pick it up tomorrow morning. I've got a few layouts planned and just need some more bits and pieces to put them together. Here's a sneak peak of my ideas:
Where did that happy, confident woman go? The one who didn't worry, didn't stress, was never anxious? The one with hope in her heart about the future? I want to know, because I want her back.
For a break during the weekend Steve and I went to an op shop and then had a coffee in Dromana.
We were just across from the beach so we went to watch the sunset. It was very windy and choppy and I stood at the water by myself and let the noise in my heart out. Not a scream, not a grunt, more like a primordial aaaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrrr. It was loud and it came from deep within. I felt stupid doing that with Steve standing near me, but I've had so few opportunities to really express myself like that. I have a lot of different feelings from day to day but it felt like anger I was letting out then. The sheer unfairness of it all.
One good thing about the weekend was that lots of people were kind enough to listen to me and talk with me. I think I looked so demolished that for once people didn't assume that I'm all better. I got to talk about my struggles with God - if he let my baby die (or even made it happen?) then how can I seek comfort from him? Of course there is a bigger question here. Why do bad things happen to good people? And no one knows the answer to that. We try.... because of sin in the world; to teach us something; for purposes we don't yet know; so that we appreciate the good etc etc. But when it is your baby who dies none of these are really enough. They go some way to explain why abstract, far away suffering occurs. But not mine, not me, not my baby. When it happens to you, you realise that it doesn't make sense after all.
On friday I heard that my friend from work had her baby boy. It really brings it all back every time. The wanting, yearning, pining. I hope it will get better when (if) I get pregnant. Fourth cycle since we've been trying now, but I've been feeling more and more that this time has joined onto last time (when we were TTC Luca). So that's coming up to 2 years.
I think the scrapbooking materials I ordered online are waiting at the post office - I got a parcel carded on friday. So can't wait to pick it up tomorrow morning. I've got a few layouts planned and just need some more bits and pieces to put them together. Here's a sneak peak of my ideas:
I've also had this struggle with God and my . I have alot of anger, and I think that's normal, and many of us lost baby mamas have asked these questions, to which there are no answers...for now anyway. I've also been thinking how I am changed forever. After such a profound event like losing a child, how can one not expect to think, feel, and be different? But I'm not saying I like the new and changing me...
ReplyDeleteHang in there!