I finally made it into uni today. This is a really big deal for me. My Masters is going nowhere as I always cry when I'm at home alone meant to be studying. So here I am. I'm finding it hard to be here too, but I think I'm just going through a rough patch generally. And I have actually gotten some work done.
I'm proud of myself for coming in because I find it really hard to do new things and meet new people now. A SIDS and Kids counsellor was meant to visit me at home this morning at 10am and at 10:15am I got a call to say she was sick and wasn't able to make it. Since it was getting a bit late I almost didn't bother coming to uni. And then I decided it wasn't going to get any easier if I kept putting it off. I'm so relieved I've done it.
I am dreading when I see people from my lectures last year and they ask me how the baby is, but I'll deal with that when it happens, just like I have at other places. I cried talking to Tania this morning. Poor her! We don't know each other that well. Her sons go to Eliana's childcare. She told me that her older son Henry said 'I was sad at childcare today. But Eliana helped - she gave me a toy'. Isn't that sweet? I'm proud of my little one.
Church was really hard again last night. There were three babies and two pregnant women there. This is out of only just over 20 people. And the dads of two of the babies (both born around the same time as Luca) were holding them up together to 'introduce' them to one another. I started getting teary during the singing when I could see one of them cooing away in her pram. People must think I'm an idiot. When I said to one lady later that I was a bit sad she said 'don't worry - this time next year you could have a baby in your arms'. Well yes I could and I'd be thrilled but nothing will take away the pain of losing Luca. I'm really getting 'aren't you over it yet' vibes now and it hurts so much. It really adds to the pain.
Luca was meant to complete our family and now our family will never be complete.
I'm proud of myself for coming in because I find it really hard to do new things and meet new people now. A SIDS and Kids counsellor was meant to visit me at home this morning at 10am and at 10:15am I got a call to say she was sick and wasn't able to make it. Since it was getting a bit late I almost didn't bother coming to uni. And then I decided it wasn't going to get any easier if I kept putting it off. I'm so relieved I've done it.
I am dreading when I see people from my lectures last year and they ask me how the baby is, but I'll deal with that when it happens, just like I have at other places. I cried talking to Tania this morning. Poor her! We don't know each other that well. Her sons go to Eliana's childcare. She told me that her older son Henry said 'I was sad at childcare today. But Eliana helped - she gave me a toy'. Isn't that sweet? I'm proud of my little one.
Church was really hard again last night. There were three babies and two pregnant women there. This is out of only just over 20 people. And the dads of two of the babies (both born around the same time as Luca) were holding them up together to 'introduce' them to one another. I started getting teary during the singing when I could see one of them cooing away in her pram. People must think I'm an idiot. When I said to one lady later that I was a bit sad she said 'don't worry - this time next year you could have a baby in your arms'. Well yes I could and I'd be thrilled but nothing will take away the pain of losing Luca. I'm really getting 'aren't you over it yet' vibes now and it hurts so much. It really adds to the pain.
Luca was meant to complete our family and now our family will never be complete.
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