30 June 2009
We've just been on holiday in the Whitsundays for a week and I am feeling happier than I've felt since Luca died. I worry that I'll feel sad again soon enough, with 8 July coming up - the date that Luca would have been 6 months old. Last time I felt a little bit happier I told my grief counsellor that I was worried my happiness wouldn't last (it didn't - the birth of my friend's sweet little baby completely derailed me) and he said to just enjoy it while it lasts. So I'm trying to take his advice now.
Here's some holiday pictures. There's one of me smiling a real live genuine smile.
I've been reading a wonderful book 'An exact replica of a figment of my imagination'. It's a memoir written by Elizabeth McCracken whose first baby was stillborn. I finished it in one day and while I was reading it I often thought 'thank goodness someone understands'. I liked this bit:
I'm not crazy, but I'm being careful: I am not crazy, but if I'm not careful I will take a wrong step and end up in the forest.
I can so relate to that.
I ovulated yesterday and we had a few well timed BDs so here's hoping. The very thought of getting pregnant is terrifying. The thought of not getting pregnant (not so much this month, but ever) is also terrifying. I should be finished with this TTC business but I try not to let my mind go there too often, as I think it's disrespectful of our future child.
I've caught myself several times thinking of a subsequent child as 'him'. I've never allocated a sex to an as-yet-to-be-conceived baby before. I'm sure part of me thinks it will be Luca again. So I've been trying to think of our future baby. Problem is, I don't think I've ever done that before. Certainly not before I found out I was pregnant. What is there really to think about. I try to imagine having a little baby in my arms but that is too far down the track - it's a panic moment - it wont happen. So, closer in, I try to imagine being pregnant, particularly feeling the baby move. But of course baby movements are all tied up in what was and what could have been, and if only I'd gone down to emergency that day when Luca was moving less, and I try not to go there - to where all the what ifs lurk. Is there any part of pregnancy, labour or birth which is not now tainted, fraught with danger and sadness?
I ovulated yesterday and we had a few well timed BDs so here's hoping. The very thought of getting pregnant is terrifying. The thought of not getting pregnant (not so much this month, but ever) is also terrifying. I should be finished with this TTC business but I try not to let my mind go there too often, as I think it's disrespectful of our future child.
I've caught myself several times thinking of a subsequent child as 'him'. I've never allocated a sex to an as-yet-to-be-conceived baby before. I'm sure part of me thinks it will be Luca again. So I've been trying to think of our future baby. Problem is, I don't think I've ever done that before. Certainly not before I found out I was pregnant. What is there really to think about. I try to imagine having a little baby in my arms but that is too far down the track - it's a panic moment - it wont happen. So, closer in, I try to imagine being pregnant, particularly feeling the baby move. But of course baby movements are all tied up in what was and what could have been, and if only I'd gone down to emergency that day when Luca was moving less, and I try not to go there - to where all the what ifs lurk. Is there any part of pregnancy, labour or birth which is not now tainted, fraught with danger and sadness?
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