Secret Garden meeting for August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into their room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We had barely started preparing Luca's room when he died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. We were the same with our daughter. Her room was finished a couple of months after she came home. But there was no after for Luca. Our office was to become Luca's room. I had set up a new nappy change table and had his clothes ready in size order. I'd moved enormous piles of papers from the desk ready to dismantle it. His cot was still behind our daughter's wardrobe and under her bed. I had been putting Eliana's baby toys away over the months I was pregnant so they wouldn't be 'hers' when the baby came. I hadn't bought many clothes because my sister had a baby son who was six months old at the time and I knew she would pass his clothes on. I had not yet called in all my lent out baby items from Eliana and afterwards I wished I had, even though I didn't need them.

When Luca died I regretted not having finished his room. I think I would have liked somewhere to go and cry. Coming home without our beautiful baby boy was so difficult in so many ways. His things were all over the house - everywhere I looked there were reminders of the baby I should have with me. Even my own still swollen belly and my empty breasts were cruel reminders that I carried to every room in the house.

I packed away his change table a few weeks later, crying all the while. I packed away his clothes. I went through the clothes friends had lent us and returned them which was very difficult. Even packing away my maternity clothes was difficult. Months later friends still returned bits and pieces of my maternity wardrobe and I had to face the packing away over and over again.

Now I find the room very sad and I don't know how I will rid it of that melancholy feeling before our next baby is born. It has become the room where the junk goes. Spare wall insulation, appliances that don't fit in the kitchen, and all the other assorted debris of life, all the things we want to keep out of sight. When Luca first died I had plans to turn it into a guest room so that we didn't have the reminder of a nothing-room in the house, but I never did find the energy.

Now I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Getting the room ready for our new baby is not really on my mind at all yet. I finish my Masters research project at the end of October. I guess I'm thinking I'll do something about it after that, but honestly I don't know if I will be able to get the room ready until we have the baby safely home. Maybe Steve will help get me started. We'll find out whether we're having a boy or a girl and that might help me plan and imagine. Maybe I will find the hope in my heart to paint and clean and prepare.

A sister is a girl baby

Six weeks today! Hang in there little one.

Had my first appointment at the hospital yesterday. I thought I was doing ok until afterwards when I booked my next appointment (for when I'll be 12 weeks) the lady at reception gave me my appointment card. I started weeping. I spent a lot of time looking at Luca's card after he died - wishing I hadn't postponed appointments, thinking how few I'd had, thinking about the timing of the ones I had, and what if, always what if. Then I put it away. Now I have a new card, a new pregnancy, and my pregnancy with Luca is haunting me. I suppose the new card should be a sign of a fresh start - I will not make the mistakes I made last time and this time I will receive proper maternity care.

The consultant was really good. He acknowledged that it was hard for me to return to the hospital and said that if I find it hard to wait in the waiting room I can announce myself on arrival and go sit in the cafe downstairs, waiting for someone to text me. He explained how to contact the day unit if I want any fetal monitoring and how to contact him at any time. He's going to provide my pregnancy care himself. The only thing is, I'm so cynical now that I wonder if he is worried about me suing the hospital - it really was pretty over the top. My friend Lou says maybe he just feels for me. She's probably right.

I have a scan booked in for 3 September when I'll almost be 8 weeks. So that's another little milestone to get to. My consultant says not to look too far ahead, to make it to each goal eg 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan... just looking to the next one.

I'm going to have the down syndrome screening this time. I didn't with Eliana or Luca but my whole outlook on pregnancy has changed now. We probably wouldn't go on to have a diagnostic test and definitely wouldn't terminate but I'm hoping I'll get a low risk result on the screening and it will just be one less thing to worry about during my pregnancy.

I told my boss I'm pregnant. He was quite nice about it really, although I had to chuckle at him trying to give me advice... 'what you have to do is not panic and don't get all anxious about it'. Right. I'll be sure to do that! I'm going to keep the news from most of my workmates until after 12 weeks if I can. I just can't deal with their reactions right now. They'll be all happy and want to talk about it, and barely any of them have mentioned Luca - I just don't know how I'll bear it. Although I think I'm already getting a belly (is that even possible?) so I don't know how I go. I think they are pretty familiar with my maternity wardrobe by now. I put photos of Luca up at my desk when I went back to work a few weeks ago - nothing too offensive - just one of his hand holding mine and one of the four of us, in which he is quite small. Yesterday was the first time someone commented on them. Natalie who works in another section said they were beautiful and asked to see more. She completely made my day.

Eliana is sweet talking about my pregnancy 'who will it be?' she says. The other day she said 'Are you having a baby mummy?'. 'Yes'. 'Why?' 'Because we want a little baby here with us. Do you want a little brother or sister?'. Eliana misinterpreted and thought I was asking which she would like. 'A sister' she said, 'a sister is a girl baby'.

I found out today that my mum's been telling her friends about my pregnancy (one of them congratulated me when she answered the phone). I was really touched. Mum plays her cards pretty close to her chest. My friend was telling me that she saw mum the other day and said to her 'Hopefully they'll be lucky this time' and mum said 'They've already been lucky twice'. My friend was sorry she put her foot in it but I'm not sorry - I would never have known mum thought that otherwise. It brings tears to my eyes writing about it.

One of my very best friends rang to tell me that she's pregnant the other night. 6 weeks, so we're almost the same. I'm so thrilled. If you had of asked me during Luca's pregnancy whether Andrea and I would ever be pregnant together I would have said 'of course not'. I was completing my family and she wasn't ready for another one yet. But here we are pregnant together after all. They used IVF last time and were just getting ready to do it again when she fell pregnant naturally so it's just fantastic news.

So that's four good friends that I'm pregnant with. Even though I found it hard to see my friends go on and have their healthy babies last time I wouldn't wish away the times we spent talking about our pregnancies, planning how we'd spend our maternity leave together, complaining, dreaming, hoping. I think it's a really special aspect to being pregnant. It will be even better if my baby gets to grow up with the others this time.

Plodding along

I'm now 5 weeks pregnant. The last 3 weeks have crept along very slowly but the best I can do is keep telling myself time will pass. I found out another friend is pregnant so that will be exciting - that's two people I can share this journey with. I loved sharing Luca's pregnancy with my friends who were also pregnant but afterwards it was one of the very most difficult parts of his loss - they all went on to take home their healthy babies and it still reminds me almost every day that I don't have mine. It is some consolation being able to share this next journey with people who I would not have shared a pregnancy with.

Today I went to visit a friend with a new baby in hospital for the first time since Luca died. It was at Frances Perry, so I had to go to the Women's to visit. It was pretty hard. She had a room full of excited visitors and I had to pretend I was ok in front of all of them. There was all that we missed out on - obviously a beautiful living baby, breastfeeding, the Child health record, flowers, congratulations cards, gifts, joyful friends and relatives, beaming parents, exclamations of 'well done - I knew you could do it', talk of first poos, going home, plans for the future. Just when I was managing well one of her friends arrived with her 7 month old daughter. I'm meant to have a 7 month old son so it was hard to sit right next to this gorgeous little thing who was smiling and reaching out her hands, and her mum who was obviously besottled. Then the talk about how well she was doing, how much fun she was. And worst of all I couldn't say anything about my loss as I didn't know most people there - I felt so alone.

My grief counsellor gave me some homework so I thought I'd do it here. We were talking about the very strong guilt I still feel. It has gotten worse since I've been pregnant, and once again I've been lying awake for hours at night thinking things over. He said that I'm my own judge and the prosecution has made its case but the defense hasn't been heard so here goes...

For the Prosecution

• I didn't do anything when I felt Luca move less in the days before he died, even though I'd been told at two appointments to report any lack of movement.
• I was in the hospital the day before he died getting a blood test and I thought about going to ED to get him checked but I had Eliana with me and I decided not to make a fuss.
• I didn't ask to be put on the urso. I didn't want to make a fuss.
• I asked to switch from obstetrician care to midwife care so that I wouldn't get into work at midday every time I had an appointment. I put my work (or what my boss thought of me) before my baby.
• I should have called to check my bile acid results.
• I am too laid back and didn't take the cholestasis seriously enough.
• I knew all about the cholestasis, having had it with Eliana.
• After Eliana's birth I saw a gastroenterologist and a hepatologist. They told me that if it happened in another pregnancy I should take urso, but I still didn't ask for it.
• I failed the glucose test but when I got the letter with the result I phoned up and cancelled the follow up test because it was on a work day and I'd only failed by a tiny amount. I later rebooked it but it meant I was diagnosed weeks later. If I had been diagnosed earlier (ie hadn't cancelled the test) I would have been under high risk care and would probably have gotten the treatment I should have for the cholestasis.

For the Defence

• I thought Luca's movements were slowing down because he was getting ready to be born. The day he stopped moving I didn't want to wake Steve and Eliana up in the middle of the night to do anything about it.
• I hoped he would be ok.
• I was tired from the itching after I got the cholestasis, living on only a few hours sleep a night.
• Steve wasn't helping around the house towards the end of last year despite my pleading, and I was doing two subjects for my masters and working. I was just beside myself. He also took no role in the antenatal decisions (or lack of decisions) that I made.
• I had the guidelines for obstetric cholestasis from the prestigious UK Royal College of Obstetricians and they say that none of the drugs are effective in treating cholestasis. I didn't realise that that's not true and that they do prescribe urso in the UK.
• Babies don't usually die from cholestasis before 37 weeks. The physician I saw was talking about my being induced in week 35 and I thought that would be enough. Luca died too soon.
• The physician and midwives I saw after being diagnosed should have referred me to an obstetrician and put me on the urso. The physician told me he was going to talk to an obstetrician about my case to come up with a plan but no one can tell me whether that happened.
• Someone should have called me when my bile acids were 154 (normal is under 23, above 40 is considered severe and very likely to harm the baby).
• I didn't call that night because I thought they took longer to come back. The next day Luca died and it was too late.
• I had a couple of experiences earlier on in my antenatal care that put me off making a fuss. The first was when I tried to refuse the HIV test and the midwife went and got an obstetrician who signed the form for me to have it anyway even though I was still saying I didn't want it. The second was when I asked for baseline LFTs at 17 weeks - the midwife went and asked an obstetrician and then said they couldn't do it - it wasn't in the guidelines.
• That also gave me the impression that there were guidelines. I later found out there were none. I was putting my confidence in the staff following guidelines that didn't exist.
• I just didn't think my baby would die.
• I had the cholestasis with Eliana and she was ok.
• I loved Luca and would have loved him even more as I got to know him. I would have done anything to stop him from dying if I'd known. I would have done all the things I wish I had done, and more.
• I am a good mother to Eliana. Even though I feel like a failure and a bad mum, there is no evidence that this is true for my living child.

Evidence that I loved my son can be seen in the things I've done for him since he died:

• I rang a funeral director and organised his funeral.
• I phoned my friends and relatives to let them know he died.
• I spoke at his funeral.
• I have grieved, and continue to grieve deeply for him.
• I love to talk about him.

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have them with you?

I don't really imagine Luca. I still yearn for him when I see the babies in my life that were born around the same time, but I don't have an image of what he would look like. Many of my friends at church said 'he's in heaven now' as an attempt to take away my sadness. At first this was no comfort at all, but 7 months up the track it is bringing me some comfort to think of him as alive there, and to think that Steve and I created him in love.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

My birth plan this time is going to be one word - alive. Sadly I didn't get the treatment I needed last pregnancy even though I had a diagnosed maternal condition. It will probably recur so the consultant I saw after Luca died said if it does I could deliver by caesarian at 33 weeks. Luca died at 35 weeks. Frankly this scares me. And it would be a shame to have a caesarian after two vaginal births, but I will do whatever it takes to get this baby into the world safely. Just as I would have for Luca if only I'd known what lay ahead.

Pregnant - oh yes, oh no

7 August 2009

I'm pregnant! I found out on Tuesday. One line appeared on the stick and I thought - 'I knew it, I'm not pregnant'. And then straight after that the other line appeared. Clear as a bell on day 25 of my cycle. I was happy and excited but I did have a teary in the shower remembering finding out about Luca's pregnancy, not so long ago. Then I went and told Steve and he seemed really happy, though he hasn't mentioned it since. Mum bought me flowers. Dad said 'hopefully you'll have better luck this time'.

So I'll be four weeks tomorrow but I can't stop telling people. I figure if I could get through telling people my baby died when I was 35 weeks pregnant, then if I have a miscarriage I can get through telling people about that too.

We planted a tree for Luca on the weekend at Dad's property in Araleun. It was really special.

I'm going to the doctor to get another mental health plan next week, so that I can get a medicare rebate on counseling. I really feel like I still need to deal with particularly my guilt, and less so my anger.

There's a memorial service on at the Women's on monday and I'm really hoping that will help me heal my feelings towards the hospital a bit. I'm taking part in the ceremony too. At the moment I just don't know how I'm going to be able to endure getting my antenatal care there again. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks. It is very different when you have had a baby die. With Luca my first appointment was at 17 weeks, even though Eliana's pregnancy had been high risk. This time it is at 6 weeks.

My friend Mel made the sweetest offer when I told her I was pregnant. We had lunch on Thursday. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She said that if I wanted to see her obstetrician during my pregnancy she would pay the $5000 for me. I burst into tears I was so touched by her offer. In a cafe! I wouldn't dream of taking her up on it but it was just so sweet of her.

I went back to work this week. The first day was hard but ok. Same with the second day. Most people pretended that nothing had happened or said stupid things like 'at least you have your daughter' or 'at least you can get pregnant' but I was expecting that and although it was hard, it was manageable. After all, I've been through that already with so many of the other people in my life.

Today, however, was a nightmare. Hazel who I work with closely hadn't been told that my baby died. She doesn't work in our office - she's a consultant - but neither my boss nor the person filling in during my maternity leave had bothered to tell her. I was heartbroken when she sent me a very cheery email welcoming me back to work. When I wrote back saying it was hard going back to work from maternity leave without a baby she replied saying she hadn't known. I told my boss that it had upset me which made me feel even worse because he was very insensitive about it. He's said all of three sentences to me since I've been back. So now I seriously want to run away and never go back. I can't stop crying about how horrible work was and it's stolen my pregnancy joy.

You are not meant to go back to work from maternity leave without a baby. It's just not right. One of my workmates introduced me around the new people 'this is Rebecca. She's been on maternity leave'. I was waiting for one of them to say 'what did you have?'. But then even worse - after a few people she changed it to 'this is Rebecca. She's been on um... long leave'.

Waiting waiting waiting

29 July 2009

So here I am again in the 2WW. My chart was all over the place this month. FF thinks I ovulated on day 10. I think it was around day 15 though. The thing with charting is it can give me an illusion of control. I'm doing something, right? But when the 2WW comes around it becomes quite obvious that I'm not calling the shots. I'm trying not to get too hopeful this month, as last month I was shattered when I wasn't pregnant. I've started to think that it might be ok if it takes a while. Not what I want but ok. I guess that's all part of the healing. I've moved from being resentful that I ever have to worry about fertility and being pregnant again, through trying to think positively about a future pregnancy but being extremely anxious that it doesn't take as long to conceive as with Luca, to being less worried and more hopeful. This could change at any time without warning I'm sure. I think it helps that I've been able to talk more about Luca lately. Thank goodness for people who listen and even better ask questions or talk about him themselves!

Mum and I knocked a wall out in the kitchen today. Getting ready to make me a pantry. Hooray! And I got the car serviced so very productive.

I've finished a couple of pages in Luca's scrap book. One is Eliana's page and the photos are her helping to plant Luca's garden. The other is one for Steve and I. When your baby dies you do feel like if you can get through this you can get through anything and I wanted to make a page especially for us.

I've been going OK this week I think. Steve is away all week in Canberra for work and Eliana is sick but it's been ok emotionally. Had a bad day last week when my friend at work posted photos of her newborn baby boy on facebook and he looked really like Luca, except alive. That was very very hard. At Louise's house last night she went to tend to her 4 month old and left me to look at the photos on her computer. I scrolled through and of course there were so many of her daughter. They made me very sad. Not because of what she had, but because of what I have missed out on. Photos of first breastfeeds, family members holding the baby (I have a few of these but my family members look miserable - hers are beaming), family outings with the baby, mum with the baby, dad with the baby, first smiles. And a sense of the happiness that slipped through my fingers.

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep - thoughts keeping me up again. The guilt revisited. Going through things I could have done/should have done. Mandy came to visit today and I talked to her about the guilt. She said she thinks I'll have those thoughts for some time but I'll be ok. Not stuck. OK. I really want to see the sunshine again. I'm weeping now just thinking about it.

I had my work in progress talk at uni on monday for my masters. I was worried that one of the students who I haven't seen since I was pregnant would ask how my baby was just before I was due to give the talk. She did ask, but not until afterwards thank goodness. She asked in front of two students who don't know me. They didn't know where to look when I answered. I think they wanted to run away. It's been a while since I've told someone new. I still find myself saying that I didn't get the treatment I needed and that I feel guilty and angry. I'm not sure that I want those things to be the central part of Luca's story though. Maybe I can practice other things I could say. Or maybe I just need to get it out a bit more and my focus will change over time.

Better get off to bed. I'm meant to be having an early night.

Will the real me please come back?

19 July 2009

The weekend was really challenging. It should have occurred to me that if church for a couple of hours is hard because of all the babies and pregnant women, a whole weekend marrieds retreat was maybe not a good idea. But it didn't. I was looking forward to it because last year I enjoyed it so much. Then I was standing there in the dining area of the camp and had the strongest feeling of de ja vu, but a really bad de ja vu... Last year I was right here, pregnant, excited about completing our family. This year everything was just the same, except me.

Where did that happy, confident woman go? The one who didn't worry, didn't stress, was never anxious? The one with hope in her heart about the future? I want to know, because I want her back.

For a break during the weekend Steve and I went to an op shop and then had a coffee in Dromana.
We were just across from the beach so we went to watch the sunset. It was very windy and choppy and I stood at the water by myself and let the noise in my heart out. Not a scream, not a grunt, more like a primordial aaaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrrr. It was loud and it came from deep within. I felt stupid doing that with Steve standing near me, but I've had so few opportunities to really express myself like that. I have a lot of different feelings from day to day but it felt like anger I was letting out then. The sheer unfairness of it all.

One good thing about the weekend was that lots of people were kind enough to listen to me and talk with me. I think I looked so demolished that for once people didn't assume that I'm all better. I got to talk about my struggles with God - if he let my baby die (or even made it happen?) then how can I seek comfort from him? Of course there is a bigger question here. Why do bad things happen to good people? And no one knows the answer to that. We try.... because of sin in the world; to teach us something; for purposes we don't yet know; so that we appreciate the good etc etc. But when it is your baby who dies none of these are really enough. They go some way to explain why abstract, far away suffering occurs. But not mine, not me, not my baby. When it happens to you, you realise that it doesn't make sense after all.

On friday I heard that my friend from work had her baby boy. It really brings it all back every time. The wanting, yearning, pining. I hope it will get better when (if) I get pregnant. Fourth cycle since we've been trying now, but I've been feeling more and more that this time has joined onto last time (when we were TTC Luca). So that's coming up to 2 years.

I think the scrapbooking materials I ordered online are waiting at the post office - I got a parcel carded on friday. So can't wait to pick it up tomorrow morning. I've got a few layouts planned and just need some more bits and pieces to put them together. Here's a sneak peak of my ideas:

I feel sad. Think positive. I feel sad...

13 July 2009

Things just keep happening that reinforce my sadness. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm feeling negative. You know that feeling you get that everything you touch turns bad? And then when you are down you notice all the bad things and minimise the good things.

Yesterday at church one friend was congratulating another on the birth of her baby. She told her 'you've done well' and I just thought, 'what does that mean I've done?' People say these comments to women who've had babies all the time. 'Well done' they say. So that means I have failed, done badly. I do feel like such a failure.

I went to my nephew's first birthday party. I've known lots of my sister's friends for years and they are usually really friendly. But yesterday I felt like I had the mark of death on my forehead, as people tried not to make eye contact, let alone talk to me. I realise that people don’t know what to say – I’m well acquainted with the concept in fact – but it doesn’t make it any easier. I worked Luca into a conversation with one of my sister’s best friends and she said ‘oh no I’ve made you sad’ and I said what I always say ‘it’s ok, I like talking about him’. ‘Well it makes me too sad’ she said, followed by ‘you don’t want another one anyway – it’s too much work’. What are people thinking when they say these things? There was about 7 baby boys there. I couldn't believe it, but I'm glad I hadn't realised there would be so many - I was already anxious enough about going. Just the effort of trying to look happy and not cry for several hours in a row was exhausting.

I did get AF. I was hopeful right to the end, even though I thought it was coming. I'm trying to look forward. Don't look back - it's dangerous - guilt, anger and failure lurk there waiting to strangle me.

I've got two support groups this week. Maybe they'll help get some things out. Both are SIDS and Kids groups - hope and healing tomorrow night, and subsequent pregnancy (which you can go to pregnant, trying, or thinking about it) on wednesday night. I missed the SANDS one tonight as I was trying something different - yoga! It was quite good and something very protective happened - there were no babies and no pregnant women. I know that's a horrible thing to enjoy but it was a break from being surrounded by people who have what I want and don't have.

So, good things. DH just brought me a cup of my favourite tea (Bright Night from T2); the cricket has finished so Steve's not watching it tonight; I've started yoga classes; my friend Belinda came over today and she brought flowers for me; DH and I are going to a church retreat on the weekend without Eliana; I've been working on some more pages for Luca's scrapbook and have also started Eliana's - I'm looking forward to showing them off.

I really need some long term good things too. Things to look forward to. Things to take my focus off what-if-I-never-have-a-live-baby-again... my constant background thought that runs and runs, unless I make the mistake of looking backwards and it is drowned out by I-killed-my-baby. Should have has become my closest companion. Will it help to get pregnant again? Will it help to have another baby? Or will I always feel like a failure for failing Luca?

Crushed in spirit

9 July 2009

My spirit feels crushed today.

Yesterday Luca would have been 6 months old. I spent much of the day 'with' him. My SIDS and Kids counsellor visited which was really good timing as I was able to talk about him for 2 hours. I looked through his photos and read the cards people sent when he was stillborn. I looked through his photos again with Steve. I set out some pages for his scrapbook, selecting photos and thinking about some lay outs. I held his urn, but as usual, didn't feel anything in particular. Just sad. I stood in his garden in the sun and tried to think that I have been blessed to have him. Bianca came over for a cup of tea - it was lovely to have some company. And I met mum and Eliana in Williamstown for coffee and cake. I cried for much of the day.

So I had plenty to do, for me, and for Luca. I thought it was good to set some time aside for him. But today I feel so crushed. For the first time in months I had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. My legs felt impossibly heavy. I don't feel like eating. I'm at uni but not really getting much done. I just want to cry.

I'm getting AF which of course is a source of sadness. I did a pregnancy test yesterday because I had thought I was pregnant this month and I thought if it was positive it would be nice to find out on Luca's 6 month anniversary. It was just a waste of a test though. I've never tested early before.

Steve will be out tonight. He's got umpire training and then he's going to the greyhound racing at Sandown. I'm dreading being all alone. I never used to be that way and I want the old me back - in so many ways, I want the old me back. I looked at my reflection today and I look ugly and tired. No spark and no substance.

How do I drag myself back up again? I know I need to go on with Luca, as my grief counsellor says. And the book I've been reading is all about connection with someone who's died. But I just want him back. That's all there is to it really.

My week of babies

5 July 2009

OK, I need to vent about all the babies in my life!

Tuesday. Went to Bianca's for a cup of tea so lots of Harriet. Her and Luca were meant to grow up together. Actually don't feel so bad around her because I love her family so much.

Friday. Ministry night with our new church ministry. There was Joanne and Dennis - Joanne is quite pregnant and Denis constantly asked questions like 'what's it like having a new baby'. What was he thinking?
Peggy and Jacque were there with their baby who was born not long after Luca. They were only too happy to talk about babies all night. It was a nightmare.

Saturday. Party at Therase's for her birthday. Her friend Tea came with her baby Summer. We had our babies at the same time and I've seen her a couple of times since then but she's never acknowledged Luca at all. She saw me pregnant. In fact she cooked lunch for me the day Luca died (though I didn't know it yet of course). We swapped stories about our gestational diabetes. Now nothing. To top it off everyone made a huge fuss of her baby. Tea came and sat next to me with her and I had to endure 'how old is your baby?'. 'Almost six months'. Luca would have been six months old this coming wednesday. It just breaks my heart.

Sunday. Ah church. Place of so many babies. Place of so many pregnant women. Place of so many people who don't get it and say stupid things like 'don't worry, you can have another one'. I can never decide whether to not go for a while or just put up with it. In the meantime I'm not sure it's good for my emotional health. We missed church on wednesday this week to go to a community agitation meeting about a proposed 54 apartment development in our street. Otherwise wednesday night would have been more of the same.

Right. Glad that's off my chest. I'm hoping it will get easier soon. I did have a bit of a breakthrough. Therase announced her pregnancy on saturday and I felt happy for her. Yes, actual happiness! I wonder if it's a bit easier because I feel really positive about TTC this month. I haven't told anyone yet that I have a good feeling about this month. But now I've written it here so it must be true! I'd love to be pregnant with Therase. And my best friend is planning an IVF cycle soonish. I'd double love to be pregnant with her.

I've felt really ripped off about having to be pregnant again, since I thought we had completed our family, but I'm starting to feel a little better about it. I've been trying to focus more on an actual baby - a person, not a pregnancy. And thinking about friends who could be pregnant at the same time helps too.

For this entry's photo I have this to offer - my first scrapbooked page of Luca:

I apologise to all those people I scoffed at because I thought scrapbooking was stupid. The counsellor at the women's said the other day 'you need to find ways to mother your baby even though he is not here'. That is so true. I'm reading a wonderful book at the moment about maintaining a connection with someone who has died - The heart of grief: death and the search for lasting love by Thomas Attig. It is sad in a way because a lot of what he talks about is memories (it's not specific to pregnancy loss), and with a stillborn baby there are no memories of his life. But it is still really lovely and helpful.

Happiness with sad thoughts

30 June 2009

Sadness can come from the most unexpected of places. The other day I was looking through my friend's photos of her newly completed family of four and I would have been on my knees if I wasn't already sitting down. They looked gorgeous together. How I long for photos of my family of four.

We've just been on holiday in the Whitsundays for a week and I am feeling happier than I've felt since Luca died. I worry that I'll feel sad again soon enough, with 8 July coming up - the date that Luca would have been 6 months old. Last time I felt a little bit happier I told my grief counsellor that I was worried my happiness wouldn't last (it didn't - the birth of my friend's sweet little baby completely derailed me) and he said to just enjoy it while it lasts. So I'm trying to take his advice now.

Here's some holiday pictures. There's one of me smiling a real live genuine smile.

I've been reading a wonderful book 'An exact replica of a figment of my imagination'. It's a memoir written by Elizabeth McCracken whose first baby was stillborn. I finished it in one day and while I was reading it I often thought 'thank goodness someone understands'. I liked this bit:

I'm not crazy, but I'm being careful: I am not crazy, but if I'm not careful I will take a wrong step and end up in the forest.

I can so relate to that.

I ovulated yesterday and we had a few well timed BDs so here's hoping. The very thought of getting pregnant is terrifying. The thought of not getting pregnant (not so much this month, but ever) is also terrifying. I should be finished with this TTC business but I try not to let my mind go there too often, as I think it's disrespectful of our future child.

I've caught myself several times thinking of a subsequent child as 'him'. I've never allocated a sex to an as-yet-to-be-conceived baby before. I'm sure part of me thinks it will be Luca again. So I've been trying to think of our future baby. Problem is, I don't think I've ever done that before. Certainly not before I found out I was pregnant. What is there really to think about. I try to imagine having a little baby in my arms but that is too far down the track - it's a panic moment - it wont happen. So, closer in, I try to imagine being pregnant, particularly feeling the baby move. But of course baby movements are all tied up in what was and what could have been, and if only I'd gone down to emergency that day when Luca was moving less, and I try not to go there - to where all the what ifs lurk. Is there any part of pregnancy, labour or birth which is not now tainted, fraught with danger and sadness?

It took me 18 months to make him...

16 June 2009

I've really struggled to know what to say when people tell me to move on. But after having a really good friend and my dad say it in the last couple of days I've come up with:

It took almost a year for us to get pregnant and then I grew Luca inside me for almost 9 months. I can't get over losing him in five months.

But that's not really not quite right. How can I explain? I really want to be understood but the words don't come. And when they do, who's really listening?

Dad also said 'at least you've still got Eliana'. That's another favourite. I adore Eliana but I want both my children. What's hard to understand about that? He was almost here. He should be here. At least dad was talking about it and asked me some questions about how I was going etc. It was probably the most in depth talk I've ever had with him and I do really appreciate his effort. I'm trying to see other people's efforts positively, even if they seem to have forgotten or just want me to be better. It's so easy to assume the worst when I'm feeling worthless and vulnerable. I try to remind myself that I'm not the only one who has problems. I do try to focus on others and be loving and giving towards my friends and family.

The other day I had another person tell me that their pet just died so they understand what I'm going through now. Don't get me wrong, I think pets are great, but this really doesn't make me feel understood.

I'm trying to be gracious when people say the wrong thing. Grateful even. After all, I complain when people say nothing. And no one really can say the right thing because how could they honestly say 'it was all a big mistake. Here he is'.

Is there anything I can do?
Yes, you can turn back time and bring Luca back to me.
And if that isn't possible, just be on my side while I face the demons.
Molly Fumia.

So in other news, AF did come and I'm not pregnant. I know it's ridiculous to be this down about it. We've only been trying for two months. But I'm so worried it will take a year again. And my spirit is already crushed. Everybody seems to have an idea of what I should do. 'Go to my chiropractor... try my chinese herbalist... go see your GP... I know a woman who uses Brazilian herbs... there's that woman in Queensland - you should try her. And my all time favourite 'just relax'.

I wish I had some memories of Luca to keep me company during the dark times. If only I could have seen him cry, breath, open his eyes. If only he'd lived a day, an hour, even a minute. It would never have been long enough but it would have been something to go back to. And if he'd lived a while, maybe more people would understand that he was a real baby who matters to me and is bitterly missed by me.

Eliana got to meet Dorothy the Dinosaur today as part of the Red Nose Day lead up! She was pretty excited. I think she looks adorable in her little red tunic. She gave Dorothy a hug before posing for the photo. She was really very bold. I was very proud!!

I also took a cute picture of Eliana multitasking at Patrick's birthday party yesterday. A multitasking fairy!

Life goes on. Other people's that is.

13 June 2009

I'm spotting still. Expect AF tomorrow, but I always hope until she actually turns up. I feel like getting plastered if I'm not pg. I never drink to get drunk but I've been thinking that the last few days! Haven't had alcohol since I got pregnant with Luca this time last year so maybe I will have a drink.

I went to a Liz's maternity farewell afternoon tea yesterday at work. I didn't break down in public thank goodness. It was really hard though. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack when I first walked in. We have the same boss so when he was giving his farewell speech it was like de ja vu. He was giving mine in December. And I know he would have said much the same for me 'good luck with the birth. We're looking forward to seeing the baby. Enjoy your time off'. But the good luck didn't happen. I never got to show off my baby. And I haven't enjoyed my time off. I do feel like a symbol of what can go wrong too. I hope she was pleased I came, rather than reminded of what can go wrong.

Everyone said they were looking forward to me coming back, but I'm dreading it. I would love to take more time off but we can't afford it. At least the swine flu command centre has moved away from our floor. It's on the first floor now because they needed more space. Not sure if my boss is planning on me helping with it. I stupidly said 'good thanks' when he asked how I was yesterday. Now I'm worried because I want him to know that I'm not ok. I wont be just the same as ever.

I was trying to think yesterday about the progress I have made. I came up with:

• I'm not nauseous in the mornings any more. The first couple of months after Luca died I threw up sometimes in the morning and couldn't really eat much.
• I've gone into uni
• I've gone to my first maternity leave farewell
• I've gotten through my first children's birthday party
• Survived mother's day
• I don't cry myself to sleep much any more
• I don't feel like I can't breath any more
• I've almost stopped crying everytime I drop Eliana off at child care (where I should be settling Luca in now)
• I can hold babies without crying. Although I certainly feel like crying.
• I don't stare at pregnant women and babies quite so much when I'm out and about
• I don't spend hours at night any more thinking about the ways I failed Luca

But all in all the sadness is never far away. And when I wake up at night I now think about something happening to Eliana. I have these what if movies going on where she runs onto the road or I see her face down in the water at the beach. All I can really do is hope that 'this too will pass'.

Steve is umpiring today but I don't want to go. It's too cold. And I don't want to stay home - I get too sad and find it too hard with Eliana (I'm so ashamed to say that - I do love her, it's just really hard right now). I'd like to invite myself over to a friend's house but I worry these days. I think 'who would want to hang around me?'. I just want to talk about Luca, at least some of the time anyway. And people find me sad. Lately I've taken to looking at photos of myself smiling on Christmas day and thinking 'that's when I used to be happy'.

I made it

11 June 2009

I finally made it into uni today. This is a really big deal for me. My Masters is going nowhere as I always cry when I'm at home alone meant to be studying. So here I am. I'm finding it hard to be here too, but I think I'm just going through a rough patch generally. And I have actually gotten some work done.

I'm proud of myself for coming in because I find it really hard to do new things and meet new people now. A SIDS and Kids counsellor was meant to visit me at home this morning at 10am and at 10:15am I got a call to say she was sick and wasn't able to make it. Since it was getting a bit late I almost didn't bother coming to uni. And then I decided it wasn't going to get any easier if I kept putting it off. I'm so relieved I've done it.

I am dreading when I see people from my lectures last year and they ask me how the baby is, but I'll deal with that when it happens, just like I have at other places. I cried talking to Tania this morning. Poor her! We don't know each other that well. Her sons go to Eliana's childcare. She told me that her older son Henry said 'I was sad at childcare today. But Eliana helped - she gave me a toy'. Isn't that sweet? I'm proud of my little one.

Church was really hard again last night. There were three babies and two pregnant women there. This is out of only just over 20 people. And the dads of two of the babies (both born around the same time as Luca) were holding them up together to 'introduce' them to one another. I started getting teary during the singing when I could see one of them cooing away in her pram. People must think I'm an idiot. When I said to one lady later that I was a bit sad she said 'don't worry - this time next year you could have a baby in your arms'. Well yes I could and I'd be thrilled but nothing will take away the pain of losing Luca. I'm really getting 'aren't you over it yet' vibes now and it hurts so much. It really adds to the pain.

Luca was meant to complete our family and now our family will never be complete.

All sad and no one to talk to

10 June 2009

I've been finding it harder and harder to get anyone to talk about Luca or even listen to me talk about him. Even friends who used to talk a little are sick of me. I'm sorry I'm still needy. I'm sad that I'm still sad. But I just am. I should be settling my little boy into childcare. Preparing to feed him 'solids'. And all around me I have babies doing what Luca should be doing. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry. And if someone could hold me when I cry, and not turn away, that would be perfect.

I'm getting spotting again this month. It makes the 2ww shorter anyway. I don't know what to do about it. It's just over a year since the day I found out I was pregnant with Luca. I was so happy. And I was so happy during his pregnancy that I wouldn't have to worry about fertility ever again. How stupid was I?

Magical thinking

5 June 2009

Sometimes I feel like I was so close to having Luca in my arms alive and well, that surely there must be some way I could go back and retrieve him. Of course I know this is not possible but I find myself thinking it sometimes. I've come to think of it as magical thinking. Wish it was really magic.

I've been in Tassie with a girlfriend and our girls (my 3yo and her 1yo) for a week. Stupidly I booked the holiday across my fertile time. We BDed the night I got home but I had a temp rise the next day. Fertility friend has deemed it too late. I guess we'll see. I still had LP spotting last month anyway.

It's a bit deflating being at home again after being away on holiday. I'm stressed about my Masters and the house is all messy. I wanted to go to my local ABA gather and chat this morning but I just couldn't. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to love doing.

I mentioned to a counsellor yesterday that Steve is getting tired of me. She said I should write a letter to Luca telling him how good a dad Steve would have been to him, and then leave it lying around for Steve to read. I'm not too sure about the whole letter writing thing though. I don't feel that Luca knows I am doing it. I'd love to feel that he is with me in that way - watching down on me but really I don't. The best I can do is feel that I carry him in my heart and that he may cause some positive change in my life.

The counsellor got me to do a depression questionnaire. I got 26. Over 20 is depression worth worrying about. She said I should consider seeing a GP for some Zoloft (antidepressant). I don't want to mess with my body now though, not while I'm TTC. If anything happened to our next baby that I could possibly blame myself for I really couldn't live with it. My guilt over Luca is so great already.

Today I talked to my friend about her mother who is expected to die from cancer soon. I had conversations that I never would have had before losing Luca. I just wouldn't have known what to say. Not that I know now, but I know to say something and see where it leads. Last week I wrote the first poem I have written since we had to write them at school. My friend's sister Mary died a couple of years ago and it was Mary's birthday while we were away so I wrote a poem about her. I read it to my friend on Mary's birthday and it made her cry. I think she really appreciated it. The old me would definitely not have done that. So, thank you Luca, my darling boy. Whether you can 'hear' me or not, thank you for the gift you gave me in you, and the gifts you are still giving me. I hope I can be strong enough to see what they are and to use them fully.