Christmas spirit

So I got through Christmas with my sanity intact. Another milestone.

My Christmas gift was viability as I was 24 weeks on Christmas Eve. It's good to know that if we have to get our baby girl out she has some chance at life from now on. And every week is now a bonus. Of course I'd like a full term baby with a spontaneous labour, but I want a live baby more.

Luca was the elephant in the room at all my family's celebrations. I mentioned him a couple of times but got deflected. No one brought him up and everyone gushed about my pregnancy as if pregnancy is just the same for me now. Still, it's nice to have people excited I guess.

Today we are off to do it all again with Steve's family in Shepparton. And then camping which I am hoping will be nice and relaxing. All the time it's creeping closer to Luca's birthday on January 8. I should be planning presents and a cake; anticipating a joyful celebration as our baby Luca turns one. Instead there's just a heavy sense of dread. And loss. And without.

I was having a cry looking through Luca's photos last night. It's a confusing thought to realise that we wouldn't be expecting a baby girl now if he had lived. As much as I want him here, I couldn't wish her away.

Eliana has been a delight the whole Christmas season. She has adored the local carols by candlelight, visiting Santa in the city square, doing her advent calendar, going to look at Christmas light displays, and presents of course. One of the pieces of advice I read on coping with Christmas was to remember that happiness can exist alongside sadness. Eliana has helped me with that, with her enthusiasm and joy over the celebrations.

Girly bits

We had the 20 week ultrasound and we're having a baby girl. It was very emotional finding out. Steve and I both cried. Later as we had a debrief in the coffee shop I said to Steve 'A girl. That's good isn't it?'. He got teary and said 'There's not going to be a boy'. It broke my heart. I was hoping for a boy too, as I don't want to have taken away Steve's only boy. On the other hand it makes Luca all that more special. Our son. Our only son. I think we're both grieving for him all over again. Not that I stopped, but it's fresher again.

I told Steve that when we found out Luca was a boy I was disappointed because I wanted a girl - it took me a couple of months at least to start looking forward to our son. Whether Steve's grieving Luca or the loss of a boy in our family, he needs permission to grieve.

It's hard because it seems that you are not meant to talk about having a preference. Even my SIDS and Kids counsellor said 'well, as long as it's healthy'. Ah yes, I already realise that's what I'm supposed to say. And I know we'll adore our baby girl. But I need to be able to talk to someone about losing Steve's only boy. My only boy. Our only boy.

I went op shopping and bought some baby girl clothes. It did help, just as buying baby boy clothes helped when I found we were having a boy last time. I do have thoughts of 'will I ever need these?' but I'm trying to hope.

In other news, I started itching a couple of weeks ago. I was beside myself. Last time I got the cholestasis at 29 weeks and our son died. Here I was at 19 weeks itching. The weather cooled down but the itch stayed. It spread. No rashes or anything - seemed like cholestasis to me. I asked for prayers at church and it went away a couple of days later. I'm so relieved. Still feel like a time bomb waiting for it to start again though.

Secret garden meeting October

This month's meeting (well, last month's now... I'm a bit slow) is about where we are at in our grief.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 10 months since I let my baby boy slip away from us when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I don't really know where I am. I have mostly good days. I'm a happy person. But I still look back; still feel terribly guilty about letting Luca die; and I really really miss him.

My friend was throwing her smiling baby up in the air last night and said to me 'Isn't six months just the best age?'. And I don't know if I even answered. That sums it up really. I should have a baby and I don't. I should be able to answer that question.

The other babies born around the same time as Luca are starting to have their first birthdays. They are adorable. Full of life. Their mums have expressions of joy and pride on their faces when they play with them. Nurturing, caring. I have a rather unattractive urn with some ashes in it. There is almost no part of my life that is not tinged with sadness. Steve and I went away on the weekend for our 6 year wedding anniversary. We had a great weekend but some of the only photos I have of me during Luca's pregnancy from our weekend away last year. I couldn't help but remember that a year ago we were looking forward to welcoming our little boy into our family.

Hope for the future? I'm 17 weeks pregnant so I do have a lot of hope pinned on this baby. Depends which day you ask me. A little three year old friend asked me yesterday if this baby will die too. And the best I could manage was 'I hope not'. Because that's all there is really. I had a maternal condition with Luca that I also had with our first and will probably get again. And even without that, the certainty of a live baby is lost forever to me now. And the future will never be completely right - I will always have one child missing and will always have the burden of knowing that I failed him and our family.

I don't think I've found peace. I think I've found acceptance. Sort of. But not peace. I hope that in the future I can let go of some of the guilt I feel. I hope I don't have to continually regret things I did and didn't do during Luca's pregnancy. I try to remind myself that there is no other evidence that I'm a bad mum. That I would have loved him more and more; that I love my daughter and am a good mother to her. I hope I don't always feel like a failure.

Consternation

I'm struggling emotionally. People keep saying 'you look great'. Which is lovely of course. Wish I felt great though. Physically I'm good - I've got my energy back. Although, my shoulders are hopelessly tight and my back aches a bit - could be stress, could be sitting at my computer all week.

I've had this week off work to write up my masters thesis. It's going pretty well. I just can't wait to hand it in. I'm hoping having more spare time on my hands will help me deal with my anxiety. And we're going away next weekend with some friends and the weekend after just Steve and I for our 6 year anniversary. It's lovely to have that to look forward to.

I've had a couple of dreams about my baby dying. They were awful obviously. The first time I got up as it was morning. It was a work day but I just sat on the couch rocking back and forth. Of course I eventually got going but it was really hard to pull myself together again.

I've had so little time to deal with my grief over Luca lately. Every now and then it creeps up on me and I think it's also sitting in the background, not as resolved as it was when I was working on it more. I'm looking forward to getting back to his scrapbook. His garden is lovely at the moment. The rose bushes are starting to flower - we have a just joey and it has had the most enormous flowers on it. And there are lots of other flowers bobbing around in the breeze, attracting bees and butterflies.

Steve is away this weekend for a boys weekend, and from Monday to Wednesday for work. I'm worried a bit. I need to know someone is here looking after me. It's not like he's constantly doing things for me or anything, but I know that he's here if I lose it.

I got my first one year old birthday invitation for one of the same crop of babies as Luca the other day. Going is completely out of the question. I think it will be a long time before I can attend their birthdays, these babies whose mummies were pregnant with me. It's still hard to be around them at all. I make myself do it because I don't want to miss out on my friends and their families, but it's still hard. The constant reminder. They are all starting to crawl and pull themselves up on furniture now. Would Luca be doing that? Would he be like his big sister - walking late but one day getting up and walking for the first time steady and confident. Or would he be a typical boy - crawling and walking early and into everything? I will never know because he's my missing child.

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

I have tried many things to help me along my grief journey. Just some that I can think of now are:

• Reading books
• Attending support groups (SIDS and Kids, SANDS, and one at the hospital)
• Seeing a grief counsellor
• Seeing an energy healer
• Seeing a psychologist (actually 3)
• Journaling
• Planting and tending a garden for Luca
• Planting a tree for Luca at my dad's rural property
• Spending 'time' with Luca - looking through his photos, listening to music, scrapbooking
• Lighting a candle at dinner from time to time
• Online support forums
• Belly dancing
• Yoga
• Buying a ring to remember him by
• Attending memorial services for those whose babies have died
• Talking about Luca, sharing his story with anyone who would listen.

When people have asked me does (... going to the group, reading x book, seeing a counsellor etc...) help?, I have always said 'Everything helps a little bit'. I guess that's why I wanted to share a list. The combination of all those things has helped me through.

The best things have been:

Staying home for 8 months on my maternity leave. Even though I was shattered that my leave wasn't as it should be, I was very glad to have that time to grieve. Steve also stayed home for 3 months after Luca was born, using his long service leave. That was wonderful. He took me to appointments, shared looking after Eliana, was great company etc etc. Having him around really helped me get through those days when I didn't even want to put one foot in front of another.

SIDS and Kids have been a life line for me. I have been to three different support groups there - hope and healing, for those who have lost babies after 20 weeks of gestation; subsequent pregnancy, for those who are thinking about or are trying to conceive; and support during pregnancy for those who have conceived. It's been so good to talk to others and Steve comes too which is great because we get to find out what each other is thinking! I've also attended a SIDS and Kids playgroup, a nurturing day, and talked to one of their counsellors.

Scrapbooking. I used to scoff at people who did scrapbooking. I thought it was terribly daggy. But I love scrapbooking for Luca. It's like spending time with him. Making something beautiful out of something sad. And I guess a way to express how I feel about him too. Planting a garden for him at home and a mulberry tree for him at my dad's house have been good for similar reasons - the remembering and doing something for him.

Reading books. Books have been a life line to me. Especially early on when everything felt like a mammoth effort - I didn't really have to do much to read a book. Order it on the internet, wait for it to arrive, and inhale it, hoping for some comfort. Some books I would recommend are:

• Empty cradle broken heart by Deborah Davis - this book was just perfect. It explained and comforted.
• When a baby dies by Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley - this book is published by SANDS UK and really explains what happens when you are grieving. It made me realise I wasn't the only person this had ever happened to.
• Our babies have died by SANDS Victoria - this is a book of stories written by bereaved parents, talking about their loss and their grief.
• An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: A memoir by Elizabeth McCracken - this is one woman's story of the loss of her first child.
• Safe passage by Molly Fumia - this is a book of sayings to help you through grief.
• Overcoming grief by Sue Morris - this is a self help type book that uses cognitive behaviour therapy exercises to help you come to terms with your loss.

Hope this helps someone else get through this heart wrenching time too.

Mixed feelings swirling around

I have this strange new feeling of blogger's block. Like I feel all kinds of things but I can't explain or even identify them. I've been feeling anxious for weeks. There's no one thing in particular but it's just there in the background. Maybe it's just the 3rd trimester creeping closer. I'm more excited because it looks like this baby is hanging around, but more anxious because the bad time is coming.

My GP recalled me to discuss my blood test results this week. I had to wait days for an appointment and I was trying not to worry. It turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is low which can indicate a maternal condition of pregnancy. I just need to get retested in a month so that's not too bad, but I'm worried about it anyway. In Eliana's pregnancy I had PUPPPS and obstetric cholestasis. In Luca's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis. Maternal conditions seem to flock to me. I feel like a living bomb which could go off at any minute. Just trying not to think too far ahead.

I'm still lying awake at night for hours at a time thinking things over. Last night I wrote a book about Luca for Eliana. Just in my head. I'm going to write the words on the computer, print them out and get her to decorate it. She loves craft projects.

I have my 12 week scan on friday. I've never had this one before. I thought it would mean I had one less thing to worry about, but at least until I have it and get the results, it's just one more thing to worry about.

I've got a decent sized belly now, at 11 weeks. Worthwhile putting up a picture of! I am quite pleased to have a growing bump. Trying to focus on that feeling!

I told people at work that I'm pregnant this week. Which is good because although I was dreading it, it wasn't that bad and now I don't have to hide my growing belly. I guess I was worried that people would be all excited and I wouldn't be able to cope with their reactions. But I did ok. I feel like telling people to get excited after the baby's here. But on the other hand, it makes me feel happy and loved when people are excited for me. People are making extra fuss about my pregnancy because of Luca, but because of Luca the fuss is hard. Pregnancy is just not the same any more. It's a real innocence lost. I've lost that feeling of basking in pregnancy - I was always so proud to be pregnant. But then I let Luca die and I really don't feel so clever anymore.

In the meantime, all the babies born around Luca's birthday continue to grow, getting cuter, doing more. Doing anything other than being a pile of ashes in a little urn really. And his birthday is sneaking up on me. Foolish to think about it already I guess, but I can't seem to help it.

I have a new bling ring to remember Luca by!!

I've been flat out. I love writing in my blog though so here I am, escaping from logistic regression.

It's the first really warm day of spring here today - 29 degrees. I took my work outside earlier but most of it has to be done on the computer. Still, it's windy outside and the warm breeze is surrounding me (along with all the pieces of paper flying around the house).

My scan went well. The baby is in the right spot and has a heart beat. There wasn't much to see - just a few pixels moving. I was beginning to worry the ultrasonographer was going to say 'I'm sorry, there's nothing there'. I was pleased but no more than that really. It's still early days and I'm hoping my excitement will grow, but perhaps it will be missing for my whole pregnancy. And I didn't fall apart in the ultrasound room. It probably helped that it was in an area of the hospital I've not been in before, so it didn't have that connection to Luca's pregnancy. I got told to say I was there for the viability scan. Honestly, where do they come up with these heartless terms? Senile gravida, products of conception, fetal death in utero, viability.

They asked me if I wanted to come back next week. If you could keep babies alive by having lots of ultrasounds, I would, but you can't so I'm going to wait until 12 weeks. And then until 20 weeks if nothing goes wrong. After that who knows really. Tiger territory my consultant called it. My feet were itching in bed last night. Surely I can't have the cholestasis this early. I'm trying to pretend I didn't notice it at the moment. It will become much more obvious if it really is cholestasis. I spent hours awake last night. Thinking, thinking. Imagining possible conversations and scenarios if this should go wrong, that should go wrong. I should get up if I'm awake for over an hour, but I know that will remind me of nights spent in the lounge room during Luca's pregnancy, when I was itching too much to sleep. It always felt like time spent with him.

Eliana wore undies at childcare on friday and apparently only had one accident! She'll be four soon, so I've been beginning to wonder if it will ever happen. She had two accidents and no successes at home this morning but I don't really mind - she still wanted undies on and was terribly proud of them. Steve didn't want to take her in undies to the footy so we compromised and put her in a pull up. She also had her hair in plaits for the first time today. She's always refused to have her hair tied up but somehow I managed to talk her into it the other day. So a very different look today!

I bought a ring to remember Luca by. I bought it on ebay and I was a bit worried it wouldn't be what I was after, but I absolutely love it, and it fits! His name means light so I've been looking for a citrine. I thought it would look a bit like the sun. Citrine is also meant to have healing properties and is meant to bring happiness, joy and optimism into your life. It is meant to embody sun energy. So, perfect, really. Here it is....

I'm not feeling as tired any more which is great. My belly is growing fast. For 9 weeks it's positively massive. I can't believe people haven't noticed. Or perhaps they have... not many people are game to ask a woman if she's pregnant, and probably less so me! I have the week off work next week to get lots of my thesis done. So I guess I'll tell people at work that I'm pregnant the week after, when I'm in next.

And here's some photos of Eliana in Luca's garden. Well, you can't see much of the garden, but the purple flowers were picked on it. They are in a vase on the kitchen bench now.

To all the fathers...

To all the fathers of children on earth and of children no longer with you, I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of the fathers you are regardless of whether your children are with you or not. Being a mother to a child who has died is hard... surely being a father to a child who has died is hard too, even when you keep your thoughts to yourself.

And for those of you with no living children, I'm thinking of the fathers you would have been if your children were living today. The dreams you had, unrealised. The questions of what you were going to do with a baby, unanswered. But also the fathers you still are, in a different, unchosen, way.

And to my own darling husband, Steve, I'm thinking of the beautiful father you are to our daughter, and the way you have come to terms with losing Luca, without losing your love for him.

Here's the picture I'm going to put on your Fathers Day card with the words 'May our family always be planted and tended with love'.

Steve and Eliana planting Luca's memorial garden

Would hope please spring?

First day of spring! I'm dying for the weather to warm up. I have this fantasy that my mood will improve as winter turns to spring.

I've been feeling crampy for a few days. Nothing much... just enough to make me anxious. I'm really looking forward to my scan on Thursday, but worried as well. This will be the first scan I've had since the one where we found out Luca had died at 35 weeks. In the early days I spent many wakeful nights replaying the part where I saw his unbeating heart on the big screen. The ultrasonographer's words echoed in my head 'there's the heart but unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately - doesn't really express the horror does it?

So I'm not just anxious about the baby being ok. I'm anxious about having a scan at all. How will I make myself enter the room? Lie down? Open my eyes to look?

I can't believe how tired I am. I've been absolutely useless. Spent all weekend doing my masters project and now I want my weekend but it's time to go to work. And I'm just on the edge of crying a lot of the time. I like to think I've got it all together but just scratch the surface and I'll fall apart. Steve just yelled because he sat on a pen sticking out of the couch and I started crying. Talk about fragile.

My grief counsellor suggested that I write to Luca and tell him what I would have been doing with him now. I said it sounded like torture but on friday night I did sit in his garden and think about how if he was here it wouldn't be Steve picking up Eliana from child care. It would be me picking up Luca and Eliana because Luca would need his breastfeed. I would be doing what I did for Eliana when she first started child care - feeding him before we left for home. I would have been pleased to see him every time I picked him up, just like I'm pleased to see Eliana.

I'm trying a new counsellor tomorrow night, after getting my mental health plan reviewed at my GP. I don't know what I'll tell her, starting from scratch so far down the track. I'm really hoping she can help me reach a place where I am no longer thinking all the time of what I should have done or what the hospital should have done. It just doesn't do me any good but I've tried so hard to let go of even some of it and I just haven't gotten very far. I try not to spend too much time in the past but it's so hard. In the past lies Luca. What could have been, what should have been. In the present lies my lovely daughter and my husband. In the future, hopefully, another baby. The one who would not have been. I read a lovely poem that finished with the thought that another child wouldn't be born if his or her mother didn't have the strength and the love to try again. But I don't feel very strong really. Crushed, yes. Unsure of myself, yes. Strong, no, not really.

Secret Garden meeting for August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into their room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We had barely started preparing Luca's room when he died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. We were the same with our daughter. Her room was finished a couple of months after she came home. But there was no after for Luca. Our office was to become Luca's room. I had set up a new nappy change table and had his clothes ready in size order. I'd moved enormous piles of papers from the desk ready to dismantle it. His cot was still behind our daughter's wardrobe and under her bed. I had been putting Eliana's baby toys away over the months I was pregnant so they wouldn't be 'hers' when the baby came. I hadn't bought many clothes because my sister had a baby son who was six months old at the time and I knew she would pass his clothes on. I had not yet called in all my lent out baby items from Eliana and afterwards I wished I had, even though I didn't need them.

When Luca died I regretted not having finished his room. I think I would have liked somewhere to go and cry. Coming home without our beautiful baby boy was so difficult in so many ways. His things were all over the house - everywhere I looked there were reminders of the baby I should have with me. Even my own still swollen belly and my empty breasts were cruel reminders that I carried to every room in the house.

I packed away his change table a few weeks later, crying all the while. I packed away his clothes. I went through the clothes friends had lent us and returned them which was very difficult. Even packing away my maternity clothes was difficult. Months later friends still returned bits and pieces of my maternity wardrobe and I had to face the packing away over and over again.

Now I find the room very sad and I don't know how I will rid it of that melancholy feeling before our next baby is born. It has become the room where the junk goes. Spare wall insulation, appliances that don't fit in the kitchen, and all the other assorted debris of life, all the things we want to keep out of sight. When Luca first died I had plans to turn it into a guest room so that we didn't have the reminder of a nothing-room in the house, but I never did find the energy.

Now I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Getting the room ready for our new baby is not really on my mind at all yet. I finish my Masters research project at the end of October. I guess I'm thinking I'll do something about it after that, but honestly I don't know if I will be able to get the room ready until we have the baby safely home. Maybe Steve will help get me started. We'll find out whether we're having a boy or a girl and that might help me plan and imagine. Maybe I will find the hope in my heart to paint and clean and prepare.

A sister is a girl baby

Six weeks today! Hang in there little one.

Had my first appointment at the hospital yesterday. I thought I was doing ok until afterwards when I booked my next appointment (for when I'll be 12 weeks) the lady at reception gave me my appointment card. I started weeping. I spent a lot of time looking at Luca's card after he died - wishing I hadn't postponed appointments, thinking how few I'd had, thinking about the timing of the ones I had, and what if, always what if. Then I put it away. Now I have a new card, a new pregnancy, and my pregnancy with Luca is haunting me. I suppose the new card should be a sign of a fresh start - I will not make the mistakes I made last time and this time I will receive proper maternity care.

The consultant was really good. He acknowledged that it was hard for me to return to the hospital and said that if I find it hard to wait in the waiting room I can announce myself on arrival and go sit in the cafe downstairs, waiting for someone to text me. He explained how to contact the day unit if I want any fetal monitoring and how to contact him at any time. He's going to provide my pregnancy care himself. The only thing is, I'm so cynical now that I wonder if he is worried about me suing the hospital - it really was pretty over the top. My friend Lou says maybe he just feels for me. She's probably right.

I have a scan booked in for 3 September when I'll almost be 8 weeks. So that's another little milestone to get to. My consultant says not to look too far ahead, to make it to each goal eg 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan... just looking to the next one.

I'm going to have the down syndrome screening this time. I didn't with Eliana or Luca but my whole outlook on pregnancy has changed now. We probably wouldn't go on to have a diagnostic test and definitely wouldn't terminate but I'm hoping I'll get a low risk result on the screening and it will just be one less thing to worry about during my pregnancy.

I told my boss I'm pregnant. He was quite nice about it really, although I had to chuckle at him trying to give me advice... 'what you have to do is not panic and don't get all anxious about it'. Right. I'll be sure to do that! I'm going to keep the news from most of my workmates until after 12 weeks if I can. I just can't deal with their reactions right now. They'll be all happy and want to talk about it, and barely any of them have mentioned Luca - I just don't know how I'll bear it. Although I think I'm already getting a belly (is that even possible?) so I don't know how I go. I think they are pretty familiar with my maternity wardrobe by now. I put photos of Luca up at my desk when I went back to work a few weeks ago - nothing too offensive - just one of his hand holding mine and one of the four of us, in which he is quite small. Yesterday was the first time someone commented on them. Natalie who works in another section said they were beautiful and asked to see more. She completely made my day.

Eliana is sweet talking about my pregnancy 'who will it be?' she says. The other day she said 'Are you having a baby mummy?'. 'Yes'. 'Why?' 'Because we want a little baby here with us. Do you want a little brother or sister?'. Eliana misinterpreted and thought I was asking which she would like. 'A sister' she said, 'a sister is a girl baby'.

I found out today that my mum's been telling her friends about my pregnancy (one of them congratulated me when she answered the phone). I was really touched. Mum plays her cards pretty close to her chest. My friend was telling me that she saw mum the other day and said to her 'Hopefully they'll be lucky this time' and mum said 'They've already been lucky twice'. My friend was sorry she put her foot in it but I'm not sorry - I would never have known mum thought that otherwise. It brings tears to my eyes writing about it.

One of my very best friends rang to tell me that she's pregnant the other night. 6 weeks, so we're almost the same. I'm so thrilled. If you had of asked me during Luca's pregnancy whether Andrea and I would ever be pregnant together I would have said 'of course not'. I was completing my family and she wasn't ready for another one yet. But here we are pregnant together after all. They used IVF last time and were just getting ready to do it again when she fell pregnant naturally so it's just fantastic news.

So that's four good friends that I'm pregnant with. Even though I found it hard to see my friends go on and have their healthy babies last time I wouldn't wish away the times we spent talking about our pregnancies, planning how we'd spend our maternity leave together, complaining, dreaming, hoping. I think it's a really special aspect to being pregnant. It will be even better if my baby gets to grow up with the others this time.

Plodding along

I'm now 5 weeks pregnant. The last 3 weeks have crept along very slowly but the best I can do is keep telling myself time will pass. I found out another friend is pregnant so that will be exciting - that's two people I can share this journey with. I loved sharing Luca's pregnancy with my friends who were also pregnant but afterwards it was one of the very most difficult parts of his loss - they all went on to take home their healthy babies and it still reminds me almost every day that I don't have mine. It is some consolation being able to share this next journey with people who I would not have shared a pregnancy with.

Today I went to visit a friend with a new baby in hospital for the first time since Luca died. It was at Frances Perry, so I had to go to the Women's to visit. It was pretty hard. She had a room full of excited visitors and I had to pretend I was ok in front of all of them. There was all that we missed out on - obviously a beautiful living baby, breastfeeding, the Child health record, flowers, congratulations cards, gifts, joyful friends and relatives, beaming parents, exclamations of 'well done - I knew you could do it', talk of first poos, going home, plans for the future. Just when I was managing well one of her friends arrived with her 7 month old daughter. I'm meant to have a 7 month old son so it was hard to sit right next to this gorgeous little thing who was smiling and reaching out her hands, and her mum who was obviously besottled. Then the talk about how well she was doing, how much fun she was. And worst of all I couldn't say anything about my loss as I didn't know most people there - I felt so alone.

My grief counsellor gave me some homework so I thought I'd do it here. We were talking about the very strong guilt I still feel. It has gotten worse since I've been pregnant, and once again I've been lying awake for hours at night thinking things over. He said that I'm my own judge and the prosecution has made its case but the defense hasn't been heard so here goes...

For the Prosecution

• I didn't do anything when I felt Luca move less in the days before he died, even though I'd been told at two appointments to report any lack of movement.
• I was in the hospital the day before he died getting a blood test and I thought about going to ED to get him checked but I had Eliana with me and I decided not to make a fuss.
• I didn't ask to be put on the urso. I didn't want to make a fuss.
• I asked to switch from obstetrician care to midwife care so that I wouldn't get into work at midday every time I had an appointment. I put my work (or what my boss thought of me) before my baby.
• I should have called to check my bile acid results.
• I am too laid back and didn't take the cholestasis seriously enough.
• I knew all about the cholestasis, having had it with Eliana.
• After Eliana's birth I saw a gastroenterologist and a hepatologist. They told me that if it happened in another pregnancy I should take urso, but I still didn't ask for it.
• I failed the glucose test but when I got the letter with the result I phoned up and cancelled the follow up test because it was on a work day and I'd only failed by a tiny amount. I later rebooked it but it meant I was diagnosed weeks later. If I had been diagnosed earlier (ie hadn't cancelled the test) I would have been under high risk care and would probably have gotten the treatment I should have for the cholestasis.

For the Defence

• I thought Luca's movements were slowing down because he was getting ready to be born. The day he stopped moving I didn't want to wake Steve and Eliana up in the middle of the night to do anything about it.
• I hoped he would be ok.
• I was tired from the itching after I got the cholestasis, living on only a few hours sleep a night.
• Steve wasn't helping around the house towards the end of last year despite my pleading, and I was doing two subjects for my masters and working. I was just beside myself. He also took no role in the antenatal decisions (or lack of decisions) that I made.
• I had the guidelines for obstetric cholestasis from the prestigious UK Royal College of Obstetricians and they say that none of the drugs are effective in treating cholestasis. I didn't realise that that's not true and that they do prescribe urso in the UK.
• Babies don't usually die from cholestasis before 37 weeks. The physician I saw was talking about my being induced in week 35 and I thought that would be enough. Luca died too soon.
• The physician and midwives I saw after being diagnosed should have referred me to an obstetrician and put me on the urso. The physician told me he was going to talk to an obstetrician about my case to come up with a plan but no one can tell me whether that happened.
• Someone should have called me when my bile acids were 154 (normal is under 23, above 40 is considered severe and very likely to harm the baby).
• I didn't call that night because I thought they took longer to come back. The next day Luca died and it was too late.
• I had a couple of experiences earlier on in my antenatal care that put me off making a fuss. The first was when I tried to refuse the HIV test and the midwife went and got an obstetrician who signed the form for me to have it anyway even though I was still saying I didn't want it. The second was when I asked for baseline LFTs at 17 weeks - the midwife went and asked an obstetrician and then said they couldn't do it - it wasn't in the guidelines.
• That also gave me the impression that there were guidelines. I later found out there were none. I was putting my confidence in the staff following guidelines that didn't exist.
• I just didn't think my baby would die.
• I had the cholestasis with Eliana and she was ok.
• I loved Luca and would have loved him even more as I got to know him. I would have done anything to stop him from dying if I'd known. I would have done all the things I wish I had done, and more.
• I am a good mother to Eliana. Even though I feel like a failure and a bad mum, there is no evidence that this is true for my living child.

Evidence that I loved my son can be seen in the things I've done for him since he died:

• I rang a funeral director and organised his funeral.
• I phoned my friends and relatives to let them know he died.
• I spoke at his funeral.
• I have grieved, and continue to grieve deeply for him.
• I love to talk about him.

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have them with you?

I don't really imagine Luca. I still yearn for him when I see the babies in my life that were born around the same time, but I don't have an image of what he would look like. Many of my friends at church said 'he's in heaven now' as an attempt to take away my sadness. At first this was no comfort at all, but 7 months up the track it is bringing me some comfort to think of him as alive there, and to think that Steve and I created him in love.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

My birth plan this time is going to be one word - alive. Sadly I didn't get the treatment I needed last pregnancy even though I had a diagnosed maternal condition. It will probably recur so the consultant I saw after Luca died said if it does I could deliver by caesarian at 33 weeks. Luca died at 35 weeks. Frankly this scares me. And it would be a shame to have a caesarian after two vaginal births, but I will do whatever it takes to get this baby into the world safely. Just as I would have for Luca if only I'd known what lay ahead.

Pregnant - oh yes, oh no

7 August 2009

I'm pregnant! I found out on Tuesday. One line appeared on the stick and I thought - 'I knew it, I'm not pregnant'. And then straight after that the other line appeared. Clear as a bell on day 25 of my cycle. I was happy and excited but I did have a teary in the shower remembering finding out about Luca's pregnancy, not so long ago. Then I went and told Steve and he seemed really happy, though he hasn't mentioned it since. Mum bought me flowers. Dad said 'hopefully you'll have better luck this time'.

So I'll be four weeks tomorrow but I can't stop telling people. I figure if I could get through telling people my baby died when I was 35 weeks pregnant, then if I have a miscarriage I can get through telling people about that too.

We planted a tree for Luca on the weekend at Dad's property in Araleun. It was really special.

I'm going to the doctor to get another mental health plan next week, so that I can get a medicare rebate on counseling. I really feel like I still need to deal with particularly my guilt, and less so my anger.

There's a memorial service on at the Women's on monday and I'm really hoping that will help me heal my feelings towards the hospital a bit. I'm taking part in the ceremony too. At the moment I just don't know how I'm going to be able to endure getting my antenatal care there again. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks. It is very different when you have had a baby die. With Luca my first appointment was at 17 weeks, even though Eliana's pregnancy had been high risk. This time it is at 6 weeks.

My friend Mel made the sweetest offer when I told her I was pregnant. We had lunch on Thursday. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She said that if I wanted to see her obstetrician during my pregnancy she would pay the $5000 for me. I burst into tears I was so touched by her offer. In a cafe! I wouldn't dream of taking her up on it but it was just so sweet of her.

I went back to work this week. The first day was hard but ok. Same with the second day. Most people pretended that nothing had happened or said stupid things like 'at least you have your daughter' or 'at least you can get pregnant' but I was expecting that and although it was hard, it was manageable. After all, I've been through that already with so many of the other people in my life.

Today, however, was a nightmare. Hazel who I work with closely hadn't been told that my baby died. She doesn't work in our office - she's a consultant - but neither my boss nor the person filling in during my maternity leave had bothered to tell her. I was heartbroken when she sent me a very cheery email welcoming me back to work. When I wrote back saying it was hard going back to work from maternity leave without a baby she replied saying she hadn't known. I told my boss that it had upset me which made me feel even worse because he was very insensitive about it. He's said all of three sentences to me since I've been back. So now I seriously want to run away and never go back. I can't stop crying about how horrible work was and it's stolen my pregnancy joy.

You are not meant to go back to work from maternity leave without a baby. It's just not right. One of my workmates introduced me around the new people 'this is Rebecca. She's been on maternity leave'. I was waiting for one of them to say 'what did you have?'. But then even worse - after a few people she changed it to 'this is Rebecca. She's been on um... long leave'.

Waiting waiting waiting

29 July 2009

So here I am again in the 2WW. My chart was all over the place this month. FF thinks I ovulated on day 10. I think it was around day 15 though. The thing with charting is it can give me an illusion of control. I'm doing something, right? But when the 2WW comes around it becomes quite obvious that I'm not calling the shots. I'm trying not to get too hopeful this month, as last month I was shattered when I wasn't pregnant. I've started to think that it might be ok if it takes a while. Not what I want but ok. I guess that's all part of the healing. I've moved from being resentful that I ever have to worry about fertility and being pregnant again, through trying to think positively about a future pregnancy but being extremely anxious that it doesn't take as long to conceive as with Luca, to being less worried and more hopeful. This could change at any time without warning I'm sure. I think it helps that I've been able to talk more about Luca lately. Thank goodness for people who listen and even better ask questions or talk about him themselves!

Mum and I knocked a wall out in the kitchen today. Getting ready to make me a pantry. Hooray! And I got the car serviced so very productive.

I've finished a couple of pages in Luca's scrap book. One is Eliana's page and the photos are her helping to plant Luca's garden. The other is one for Steve and I. When your baby dies you do feel like if you can get through this you can get through anything and I wanted to make a page especially for us.

I've been going OK this week I think. Steve is away all week in Canberra for work and Eliana is sick but it's been ok emotionally. Had a bad day last week when my friend at work posted photos of her newborn baby boy on facebook and he looked really like Luca, except alive. That was very very hard. At Louise's house last night she went to tend to her 4 month old and left me to look at the photos on her computer. I scrolled through and of course there were so many of her daughter. They made me very sad. Not because of what she had, but because of what I have missed out on. Photos of first breastfeeds, family members holding the baby (I have a few of these but my family members look miserable - hers are beaming), family outings with the baby, mum with the baby, dad with the baby, first smiles. And a sense of the happiness that slipped through my fingers.

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep - thoughts keeping me up again. The guilt revisited. Going through things I could have done/should have done. Mandy came to visit today and I talked to her about the guilt. She said she thinks I'll have those thoughts for some time but I'll be ok. Not stuck. OK. I really want to see the sunshine again. I'm weeping now just thinking about it.

I had my work in progress talk at uni on monday for my masters. I was worried that one of the students who I haven't seen since I was pregnant would ask how my baby was just before I was due to give the talk. She did ask, but not until afterwards thank goodness. She asked in front of two students who don't know me. They didn't know where to look when I answered. I think they wanted to run away. It's been a while since I've told someone new. I still find myself saying that I didn't get the treatment I needed and that I feel guilty and angry. I'm not sure that I want those things to be the central part of Luca's story though. Maybe I can practice other things I could say. Or maybe I just need to get it out a bit more and my focus will change over time.

Better get off to bed. I'm meant to be having an early night.

Will the real me please come back?

19 July 2009

The weekend was really challenging. It should have occurred to me that if church for a couple of hours is hard because of all the babies and pregnant women, a whole weekend marrieds retreat was maybe not a good idea. But it didn't. I was looking forward to it because last year I enjoyed it so much. Then I was standing there in the dining area of the camp and had the strongest feeling of de ja vu, but a really bad de ja vu... Last year I was right here, pregnant, excited about completing our family. This year everything was just the same, except me.

Where did that happy, confident woman go? The one who didn't worry, didn't stress, was never anxious? The one with hope in her heart about the future? I want to know, because I want her back.

For a break during the weekend Steve and I went to an op shop and then had a coffee in Dromana.
We were just across from the beach so we went to watch the sunset. It was very windy and choppy and I stood at the water by myself and let the noise in my heart out. Not a scream, not a grunt, more like a primordial aaaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrrr. It was loud and it came from deep within. I felt stupid doing that with Steve standing near me, but I've had so few opportunities to really express myself like that. I have a lot of different feelings from day to day but it felt like anger I was letting out then. The sheer unfairness of it all.

One good thing about the weekend was that lots of people were kind enough to listen to me and talk with me. I think I looked so demolished that for once people didn't assume that I'm all better. I got to talk about my struggles with God - if he let my baby die (or even made it happen?) then how can I seek comfort from him? Of course there is a bigger question here. Why do bad things happen to good people? And no one knows the answer to that. We try.... because of sin in the world; to teach us something; for purposes we don't yet know; so that we appreciate the good etc etc. But when it is your baby who dies none of these are really enough. They go some way to explain why abstract, far away suffering occurs. But not mine, not me, not my baby. When it happens to you, you realise that it doesn't make sense after all.

On friday I heard that my friend from work had her baby boy. It really brings it all back every time. The wanting, yearning, pining. I hope it will get better when (if) I get pregnant. Fourth cycle since we've been trying now, but I've been feeling more and more that this time has joined onto last time (when we were TTC Luca). So that's coming up to 2 years.

I think the scrapbooking materials I ordered online are waiting at the post office - I got a parcel carded on friday. So can't wait to pick it up tomorrow morning. I've got a few layouts planned and just need some more bits and pieces to put them together. Here's a sneak peak of my ideas: