Would hope please spring?

First day of spring! I'm dying for the weather to warm up. I have this fantasy that my mood will improve as winter turns to spring.

I've been feeling crampy for a few days. Nothing much... just enough to make me anxious. I'm really looking forward to my scan on Thursday, but worried as well. This will be the first scan I've had since the one where we found out Luca had died at 35 weeks. In the early days I spent many wakeful nights replaying the part where I saw his unbeating heart on the big screen. The ultrasonographer's words echoed in my head 'there's the heart but unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately - doesn't really express the horror does it?

So I'm not just anxious about the baby being ok. I'm anxious about having a scan at all. How will I make myself enter the room? Lie down? Open my eyes to look?

I can't believe how tired I am. I've been absolutely useless. Spent all weekend doing my masters project and now I want my weekend but it's time to go to work. And I'm just on the edge of crying a lot of the time. I like to think I've got it all together but just scratch the surface and I'll fall apart. Steve just yelled because he sat on a pen sticking out of the couch and I started crying. Talk about fragile.

My grief counsellor suggested that I write to Luca and tell him what I would have been doing with him now. I said it sounded like torture but on friday night I did sit in his garden and think about how if he was here it wouldn't be Steve picking up Eliana from child care. It would be me picking up Luca and Eliana because Luca would need his breastfeed. I would be doing what I did for Eliana when she first started child care - feeding him before we left for home. I would have been pleased to see him every time I picked him up, just like I'm pleased to see Eliana.

I'm trying a new counsellor tomorrow night, after getting my mental health plan reviewed at my GP. I don't know what I'll tell her, starting from scratch so far down the track. I'm really hoping she can help me reach a place where I am no longer thinking all the time of what I should have done or what the hospital should have done. It just doesn't do me any good but I've tried so hard to let go of even some of it and I just haven't gotten very far. I try not to spend too much time in the past but it's so hard. In the past lies Luca. What could have been, what should have been. In the present lies my lovely daughter and my husband. In the future, hopefully, another baby. The one who would not have been. I read a lovely poem that finished with the thought that another child wouldn't be born if his or her mother didn't have the strength and the love to try again. But I don't feel very strong really. Crushed, yes. Unsure of myself, yes. Strong, no, not really.