What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.
I have tried many things to help me along my grief journey. Just some that I can think of now are:
- Reading books
- Attending support groups (SIDS and Kids, SANDS, and one at the hospital)
- Seeing a grief counsellor
- Seeing an energy healer
- Seeing a psychologist (actually 3)
- Journaling
- Planting and tending a garden for Luca
- Planting a tree for Luca at my dad's rural property
- Spending 'time' with Luca - looking through his photos, listening to music, scrapbooking
- Lighting a candle at dinner from time to time
- Online support forums
- Belly dancing
- Yoga
- Buying a ring to remember him by
- Attending memorial services for those whose babies have died
- Talking about Luca, sharing his story with anyone who would listen.
When people have asked me does (... going to the group, reading x book, seeing a counsellor etc...) help?, I have always said 'Everything helps a little bit'. I guess that's why I wanted to share a list. The combination of all those things has helped me through.
The best things have been:
Staying home for 8 months on my maternity leave. Even though I was shattered that my leave wasn't as it should be, I was very glad to have that time to grieve. Steve also stayed home for 3 months after Luca was born, using his long service leave. That was wonderful. He took me to appointments, shared looking after Eliana, was great company etc etc. Having him around really helped me get through those days when I didn't even want to put one foot in front of another.
SIDS and Kids have been a life line for me. I have been to three different support groups there - hope and healing, for those who have lost babies after 20 weeks of gestation; subsequent pregnancy, for those who are thinking about or are trying to conceive; and support during pregnancy for those who have conceived. It's been so good to talk to others and Steve comes too which is great because we get to find out what each other is thinking! I've also attended a SIDS and Kids playgroup, a nurturing day, and talked to one of their counsellors.
Scrapbooking. I used to scoff at people who did scrapbooking. I thought it was terribly daggy. But I love scrapbooking for Luca. It's like spending time with him. Making something beautiful out of something sad. And I guess a way to express how I feel about him too. Planting a garden for him at home and a mulberry tree for him at my dad's house have been good for similar reasons - the remembering and doing something for him.
Reading books. Books have been a life line to me. Especially early on when everything felt like a mammoth effort - I didn't really have to do much to read a book. Order it on the internet, wait for it to arrive, and inhale it, hoping for some comfort. Some books I would recommend are:
- Empty cradle broken heart by Deborah Davis - this book was just perfect. It explained and comforted.
- When a baby dies by Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley - this book is published by SANDS UK and really explains what happens when you are grieving. It made me realise I wasn't the only person this had ever happened to.
- Our babies have died by SANDS Victoria - this is a book of stories written by bereaved parents, talking about their loss and their grief.
- An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: A memoir by Elizabeth McCracken - this is one woman's story of the loss of her first child.
- Safe passage by Molly Fumia - this is a book of sayings to help you through grief.
- Overcoming grief by Sue Morris - this is a self help type book that uses cognitive behaviour therapy exercises to help you come to terms with your loss.
Hope this helps someone else get through this heart wrenching time too.
I'm so sorry to hear about Luca. I love that you honour him in so many ways, with your scrapboking and keeping things growing for him.
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to read a couple of the books on your list, thank you for reminding me.
Jess
Your list of books is especially helpful to me. I would like to find a few of those titles, thank you for listing them. I am glad you can scrapbook for Luca. For some reason, I cannot get myself to scrapbook yet. I made one the day before her funeral and ever since it is just too hard. I love the garden and planting a tree. I plan to start a Jenna Garden soon, God-willing. Love to the sky
ReplyDeleteXX
Reading and scrapbooking are things that help me too.
ReplyDeleteReading has helped me too. I uset to have a garden, but then we moved and I haven't gotten one in here yet.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for sharing.
I agree, everything helps a bit. Looking at your list I realise I've actually done a lot more than I initially thought I had to remember Florence.
ReplyDeleteYou've also reminded me to buy a book or two from my wish list. I was too afraid to order them, but seeing your post has given me courage.
So many beautiful ways that you honor your Luca. I especially love the idea of scrapbooking. One book that you might enjoy too is "Empty Cradle A Full Heart" I find that one has helped me through very difficult days. Thank you so much for sharing these ideas. I am curious to know how the energy healer worked?
ReplyDeleteIt's great to know what others have done to help cope with the lost. I hadn't thought of reading books, so I might give that a try, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear that your pregnancy is coming along well. I also suffer from obstetric cholestasis during my pregnancies. My OB said it's uncommon but not rare. It's not a pleasant condition, and I didn't know anything was wrong until I broke out in a rash on my tummy so I then reported it to my OB. My first child's, Brodie, birth was induced just a couple of weeks after that as the toxins got too high (born at 37.5 weeks). My new OB said it starts happening earlier in subsequent pregnancies, so she's hoping I can make it past 36 weeks. Have you been told that your baby may need to come earlier? xxx
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments.
ReplyDeleteOnce a mother, the energy healer was a chiropracter who had also learned that sharman stuff. He put his hands on me and breathed out bad energy. It was quite odd. No idea whether it works!
Fiona, I've been told that if I get it again they will deliver at 33 weeks but that is not usual practice - it's because Luca died at 35 weeks. I think 36-37 weeks is pretty common practice. I had it with my daughter too and she was induced safely at 39 weeks but now I think that was too late and we're lucky she was ok. It did start earlier for me during my second pregnancy but it seems to be the luck of the draw really.