We had the 20 week ultrasound and we're having a baby girl. It was very emotional finding out. Steve and I both cried. Later as we had a debrief in the coffee shop I said to Steve 'A girl. That's good isn't it?'. He got teary and said 'There's not going to be a boy'. It broke my heart. I was hoping for a boy too, as I don't want to have taken away Steve's only boy. On the other hand it makes Luca all that more special. Our son. Our only son. I think we're both grieving for him all over again. Not that I stopped, but it's fresher again.
I told Steve that when we found out Luca was a boy I was disappointed because I wanted a girl - it took me a couple of months at least to start looking forward to our son. Whether Steve's grieving Luca or the loss of a boy in our family, he needs permission to grieve.
It's hard because it seems that you are not meant to talk about having a preference. Even my SIDS and Kids counsellor said 'well, as long as it's healthy'. Ah yes, I already realise that's what I'm supposed to say. And I know we'll adore our baby girl. But I need to be able to talk to someone about losing Steve's only boy. My only boy. Our only boy.
I went op shopping and bought some baby girl clothes. It did help, just as buying baby boy clothes helped when I found we were having a boy last time. I do have thoughts of 'will I ever need these?' but I'm trying to hope.
In other news, I started itching a couple of weeks ago. I was beside myself. Last time I got the cholestasis at 29 weeks and our son died. Here I was at 19 weeks itching. The weather cooled down but the itch stayed. It spread. No rashes or anything - seemed like cholestasis to me. I asked for prayers at church and it went away a couple of days later. I'm so relieved. Still feel like a time bomb waiting for it to start again though.
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Hi Bec,
ReplyDeletei've read your blog a few times but i rarely comment - thought i would today!
i am so sorry for the loss of your son Luca. I can not understand yet why these things happen. my daughter was born sleeping at 21 weeks in august so we are still trying to cope with that as we are almost at her due date now.
congratulations on the news of a baby girl!
Luca will always be special, he will always be perfect.
Lana
x
I felt the same way when we found out we were having a boy after losing a girl. Exactly like grieving all over again. I think it is so important to acknowledge this new sadness and give it a name, just like you are doing. It took us a while to process it, like all of the tricky emotions surrounding rainbow babies/ subsequent pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteWith love, Jess
Hi Bec,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on finding out that you are having another girl. It's okay to have a preference. I've got Brodie, and then had Bailey and now I've found out that I'm having another little boy - I was hoping to have a girl somewhere and thought maybe I might have got one this time, but no I'm a producer of boys only and this baby will be my last. I felt a bit disappointed, but this baby will be loved just as much as all my others.
Glad you got over the itehing. Like you, I'd be quite concerned if my itching did start now, too. My new baby has been diagnosed with a cleft lip and palate, and has taken away my focus of the cholestasis, but it's something I still have to be aware of though.
Take care,
Fiona
xxx