So I got through Christmas with my sanity intact. Another milestone.
My Christmas gift was viability as I was 24 weeks on Christmas Eve. It's good to know that if we have to get our baby girl out she has some chance at life from now on. And every week is now a bonus. Of course I'd like a full term baby with a spontaneous labour, but I want a live baby more.
Luca was the elephant in the room at all my family's celebrations. I mentioned him a couple of times but got deflected. No one brought him up and everyone gushed about my pregnancy as if pregnancy is just the same for me now. Still, it's nice to have people excited I guess.
Today we are off to do it all again with Steve's family in Shepparton. And then camping which I am hoping will be nice and relaxing. All the time it's creeping closer to Luca's birthday on January 8. I should be planning presents and a cake; anticipating a joyful celebration as our baby Luca turns one. Instead there's just a heavy sense of dread. And loss. And without.
I was having a cry looking through Luca's photos last night. It's a confusing thought to realise that we wouldn't be expecting a baby girl now if he had lived. As much as I want him here, I couldn't wish her away.
Eliana has been a delight the whole Christmas season. She has adored the local carols by candlelight, visiting Santa in the city square, doing her advent calendar, going to look at Christmas light displays, and presents of course. One of the pieces of advice I read on coping with Christmas was to remember that happiness can exist alongside sadness. Eliana has helped me with that, with her enthusiasm and joy over the celebrations.
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