Mixed feelings swirling around

I have this strange new feeling of blogger's block. Like I feel all kinds of things but I can't explain or even identify them. I've been feeling anxious for weeks. There's no one thing in particular but it's just there in the background. Maybe it's just the 3rd trimester creeping closer. I'm more excited because it looks like this baby is hanging around, but more anxious because the bad time is coming.

My GP recalled me to discuss my blood test results this week. I had to wait days for an appointment and I was trying not to worry. It turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is low which can indicate a maternal condition of pregnancy. I just need to get retested in a month so that's not too bad, but I'm worried about it anyway. In Eliana's pregnancy I had PUPPPS and obstetric cholestasis. In Luca's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis. Maternal conditions seem to flock to me. I feel like a living bomb which could go off at any minute. Just trying not to think too far ahead.

I'm still lying awake at night for hours at a time thinking things over. Last night I wrote a book about Luca for Eliana. Just in my head. I'm going to write the words on the computer, print them out and get her to decorate it. She loves craft projects.

I have my 12 week scan on friday. I've never had this one before. I thought it would mean I had one less thing to worry about, but at least until I have it and get the results, it's just one more thing to worry about.

I've got a decent sized belly now, at 11 weeks. Worthwhile putting up a picture of! I am quite pleased to have a growing bump. Trying to focus on that feeling!

I told people at work that I'm pregnant this week. Which is good because although I was dreading it, it wasn't that bad and now I don't have to hide my growing belly. I guess I was worried that people would be all excited and I wouldn't be able to cope with their reactions. But I did ok. I feel like telling people to get excited after the baby's here. But on the other hand, it makes me feel happy and loved when people are excited for me. People are making extra fuss about my pregnancy because of Luca, but because of Luca the fuss is hard. Pregnancy is just not the same any more. It's a real innocence lost. I've lost that feeling of basking in pregnancy - I was always so proud to be pregnant. But then I let Luca die and I really don't feel so clever anymore.

In the meantime, all the babies born around Luca's birthday continue to grow, getting cuter, doing more. Doing anything other than being a pile of ashes in a little urn really. And his birthday is sneaking up on me. Foolish to think about it already I guess, but I can't seem to help it.