Anxious times

On tuesday I went to the hospital for my weekly fetal monitoring. I had the CTG and everything looked fine. The midwife asked me to wait in the waiting room again for a scan to check my amniotic fluid levels. I was wondering if they had me mixed up with someone else, as I'm sure there was nothing on the request sheet my ob had given me. Eventually my turn came around and I was lying there trying not to cry. I would have asked Steve to come if I'd known I was having a scan. I really haven't been so good with ultrasounds since the one we had at 35 weeks with Luca when we found out he'd died. The lady doing the scan, who I think may have been a midwife, left the room saying she needed to get someone else to take a look. This was really not the type of de ja vu I needed. The second person confirmed that my fluid was low. They called the registrar and he said I needed a scan in the imaging centre. He asked me if there was anything other than the cholestasis that caused Luca to die. That freaked me out, especially when I read later that low fluid can be caused by chromosomal abnormality - I wondered if that's what he was checking.

I phoned Steve and asked him to come in and sat in the waiting room trying not to cry. I must have freaked him out, as I was a bit hysterical and the mobile reception in the hospital is terrible. He arrived and waited for the scan with me. An obstetrician did the scan and confirmed again than my fluid was low. They decided I needed a swab to check if my fluid was leaking. Then it got worse emotionally. Emergency asked that I be sent to the birth centre so I had to have the swab in the birth centre. I hadn't gone back there since Luca was born still there; since we said goodbye and left him in a room, walking down the hallway empty handed. And I wasn't ready to go back - I hadn't prepared at all.

Anyway my fluid wasn't leaking so that's good. I worry so much about our baby girl though. I wish she was out. I'm glad I haven't got the cholestasis yet but I really didn't need anything else to worry about. I spoke to the consultant the next day to make sure he agreed with the follow up plan. I just have no trust in the parade of strangers I saw on tuesday. Not after what happened with Luca. He did agree and he told me that the obstetrician doing the scan had looked at the kidneys and bladder and hadn't found any abnormalities. He said it was probably just one of those things.

So I'm getting checked again on Wednesday. This time I'll ask Steve if he can come for the monitoring as well as my ob visit. I think that having 35 weeks coming up, which is when Luca died, is not helping with my anxiety.

We went to a first birthday party today. The first we've been to for the babies born around the same time as Luca. It wasn't too bad, though stupidly I hadn't realised that all the other babies around that age would also be there. I was pretty much surrounded by one year olds. Luca should have been there too.