Time creeping by

I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and the time is slowly creeping by. I've been telling everyone we're taking it week by week, but I think I'm just about at the taking it day by day point. I'm still healthy - no cholestasis. My ob says keep doing what you've been doing. So I am. Eating well, taking my herbs/vitamins/minerals, acupuncture, dandelion tea, exercising. If nothing else it gives me an illusion of control. And it's reassuring to know I'm doing what I can.

I'm dreading 35 weeks. That's when Luca died. I guess I assumed I wouldn't make it to 35 weeks this time - that I'd get the cholestasis early on again and need to have the baby out at 33 weeks like my ob said. I'm glad she's still on board and that she's safe but it will be hard having to go past 35 weeks. I really can't imagine going full term. Even if the cholestasis stays away I can't imagine going past 37 weeks. Actually I do imagine it but with some horror. Longing and horror. What a combination.

And then that brings me to realise that 37 weeks is only five weeks away. Only five weeks and I might be at the end of this nightmarish pregnancy. Holding my baby girl. It's hard to imagine a live baby. Sometimes I think about what it would be like but it doesn't feel like a reality, like a given, they way it did during my other pregnancies. I was looking through Eliana's new born photos yesterday remembering what it was like. There are several of Steve holding Eliana with a beautiful smile on his face. I want to see that proud dad smile on his face again soon.

Another first birthday invitation came my way this week. Reminding me that my friend and I were pregnant together. That she had a beautiful healthy baby girl and I had a dead son (though also beautiful).

Another friend who I was pregnant with came up to me at church on Wednesday night to show me her daughter's first tooth. I smiled politely but inside I was shriveling. I really struggle with the milestones of the babies born around Luca. I want to say 'go away and tell someone else'. But I don't of course. It's too hard and too painful to explain. And futile.

It seems like I haven't had an outlet for my sadness for ages. I think when it's not as raw I can keep a lid on it but it's still there, and perhaps threatening to boil over. I wonder if I could do some more scrapbooking. I kind of ran out of ideas for Luca's scrapbook and put it to the side.

I am going to a series of art therapy classes which I'm really looking forward to. It will be great to spend time again 'with' Luca and with other mothers who've lost babies and children. And support during pregnancy meetings start again this month too. It's been three months since we've been to one as they have a two month break over Christmas. It's been hard having no one to talk to who understands.

I'm getting to the point where I'm tired and emotional much of the time. I'm craving love and attention. Eliana is really quite lovely but I'm finding it hard to be around her all day. I really need time for myself. Or perhaps just less demands on me. I spent three hours in the kitchen on Friday doing the dishes and cooking a meal for our friends who were coming over. Eliana needed entertaining at the same time. I was almost in tears by the time they got here, I was so exhausted. Sometimes I just want to turn off and lie down. I want to curl up in the fetal position and go to sleep.