Struggling along

I'm struggling these days. Tired all the time. Dispirited. I'm 28 weeks pregnant now. I was 29 weeks when the itching started with Luca. The beginning of the end. I'm trying to see this as a good thing - I haven't gotten the cholestasis any earlier. My baby girl is still safe. But really I'm anxious. And drowning in the memories. If we make it to 35 weeks, which is when Luca died, I'm going to be a basket case.

I've started having weekly liver function and bile acid tests. I realised after the first two that they weren't going to be reassuring if I didn't know the results. I don't trust the hospital to tell me, after what happened with Luca. So I text messaged my ob to ask. Bile acids were only 2.4 on Wednesday which is ridiculously normal. My baby girl is safe. She's safe. That's what I keep telling myself.

My ob said I could go in for weekly monitoring on the CTG and I said no. Now I'm worried that if something goes wrong I'll regret that decision. There is no benefit to the monitoring but still I worry. Every decision or lack of decision could mean something. I know this too well from Luca's pregnancy. How many times have I gone over every little thing that I did or didn't do that could have made a difference? I never want to do that again.

Most of the time I can tell myself that everything will be ok this time. Our baby will be born alive; will cry; will have her first feed. But deeper down lurk the doubts. It happened once, it can happen again. I never know what to say when people say 'you'll be right this time'. At first I told people that actually the condition I had with Luca recurs and I had it will Eliana and I'll probably get it again. But I just can't be bothered anymore. Even if it turns out alright this time, if we get our baby out alive, will it ever be alright? We'll never have our son with us. A lifetime of missing stretches ahead of me.

Today Eliana went to a new class at church. The teachers got each child to stand up and tell their name, their brothers and sisters, their parent's names and what they've done on the holidays. My friend who takes the class said that Eliana got up and said her name and then said she has a brother Luca who's dead; her mummy's name is Rebecca, her daddy's name is Steve, and mummy is having a baby girl; and she spent the holidays hanging out with mummy and daddy. I got all teary hearing that she talked about Luca. She should be saying that she has a brother named Luca. Full stop. He should be here. Her little brother.