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The dreaded week
A year ago on Tuesday I was in the hospital getting blood tests and thinking about going to emergency as Luca hadn't been moving as much. But I didn't. A year ago yesterday I felt Luca move for the last time at about 4pm. As usual I was awake for most of the night itching, and I was worried about him but still didn't do anything. A year ago today we found out he'd died... saw his unbeating heart filling the big screen in the ultrasound room. Back through the antenatal waiting room to fill in the forms for induction the next day. A year ago tomorrow he was born spontaneously at 6:30am. Perfect in every way except he didn't come out soon enough.
So it's been a hard year. A really hard year. And after a year to reflect, I still think he would be here with us if only I had looked after him properly. We would have had his first Christmas, perhaps a party for his 1st birthday, blissfully unaware that our baby could die. After all, doesn't that happen to Other People? Well, now it's happened to me. And people say that good things come from it. But I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up in an instant to have Luca in my arms where he belongs.
Here's a picture of his mulberry tree at my dad's house. A beautiful living memorial, but flourishing and reminding me that he should be flourishing. 
I am right there with you. It was a year ago today that i also was looking at the ultrasound screen and seen that my boys hearts had stopped beating. Its weird because we were both probably thinking that we were so alone during this time but really we were both going through similar things on the same day only a few hours away from each other ( I live in Bendigo).
ReplyDeleteIt wasnt your fault. I know that we all do it. I still blame myself but it is never our fault. You are his mummy and im sure that there is nothing that you wouldnt have done to save him if you knew that there was something wrong. Thinking of you today and especially tomorrow. I am here to talk if you ever need, my email is rikkidonkin@gmail.com.
Xxx
Don't blame yourself. Never did I think I would ever lose a baby, but I did. Life changes forever afterwards. I don't know why people say that good things come from it, I can't think of anything good coming from it at all.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, Bec. Thinking of you and Luca.
xxx