The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

I have tried many things to help me along my grief journey. Just some that I can think of now are:

• Reading books
• Attending support groups (SIDS and Kids, SANDS, and one at the hospital)
• Seeing a grief counsellor
• Seeing an energy healer
• Seeing a psychologist (actually 3)
• Journaling
• Planting and tending a garden for Luca
• Planting a tree for Luca at my dad's rural property
• Spending 'time' with Luca - looking through his photos, listening to music, scrapbooking
• Lighting a candle at dinner from time to time
• Online support forums
• Belly dancing
• Yoga
• Buying a ring to remember him by
• Attending memorial services for those whose babies have died
• Talking about Luca, sharing his story with anyone who would listen.

When people have asked me does (... going to the group, reading x book, seeing a counsellor etc...) help?, I have always said 'Everything helps a little bit'. I guess that's why I wanted to share a list. The combination of all those things has helped me through.

The best things have been:

Staying home for 8 months on my maternity leave. Even though I was shattered that my leave wasn't as it should be, I was very glad to have that time to grieve. Steve also stayed home for 3 months after Luca was born, using his long service leave. That was wonderful. He took me to appointments, shared looking after Eliana, was great company etc etc. Having him around really helped me get through those days when I didn't even want to put one foot in front of another.

SIDS and Kids have been a life line for me. I have been to three different support groups there - hope and healing, for those who have lost babies after 20 weeks of gestation; subsequent pregnancy, for those who are thinking about or are trying to conceive; and support during pregnancy for those who have conceived. It's been so good to talk to others and Steve comes too which is great because we get to find out what each other is thinking! I've also attended a SIDS and Kids playgroup, a nurturing day, and talked to one of their counsellors.

Scrapbooking. I used to scoff at people who did scrapbooking. I thought it was terribly daggy. But I love scrapbooking for Luca. It's like spending time with him. Making something beautiful out of something sad. And I guess a way to express how I feel about him too. Planting a garden for him at home and a mulberry tree for him at my dad's house have been good for similar reasons - the remembering and doing something for him.

Reading books. Books have been a life line to me. Especially early on when everything felt like a mammoth effort - I didn't really have to do much to read a book. Order it on the internet, wait for it to arrive, and inhale it, hoping for some comfort. Some books I would recommend are:

• Empty cradle broken heart by Deborah Davis - this book was just perfect. It explained and comforted.
• When a baby dies by Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley - this book is published by SANDS UK and really explains what happens when you are grieving. It made me realise I wasn't the only person this had ever happened to.
• Our babies have died by SANDS Victoria - this is a book of stories written by bereaved parents, talking about their loss and their grief.
• An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: A memoir by Elizabeth McCracken - this is one woman's story of the loss of her first child.
• Safe passage by Molly Fumia - this is a book of sayings to help you through grief.
• Overcoming grief by Sue Morris - this is a self help type book that uses cognitive behaviour therapy exercises to help you come to terms with your loss.

Hope this helps someone else get through this heart wrenching time too.

Mixed feelings swirling around

I have this strange new feeling of blogger's block. Like I feel all kinds of things but I can't explain or even identify them. I've been feeling anxious for weeks. There's no one thing in particular but it's just there in the background. Maybe it's just the 3rd trimester creeping closer. I'm more excited because it looks like this baby is hanging around, but more anxious because the bad time is coming.

My GP recalled me to discuss my blood test results this week. I had to wait days for an appointment and I was trying not to worry. It turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is low which can indicate a maternal condition of pregnancy. I just need to get retested in a month so that's not too bad, but I'm worried about it anyway. In Eliana's pregnancy I had PUPPPS and obstetric cholestasis. In Luca's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis. Maternal conditions seem to flock to me. I feel like a living bomb which could go off at any minute. Just trying not to think too far ahead.

I'm still lying awake at night for hours at a time thinking things over. Last night I wrote a book about Luca for Eliana. Just in my head. I'm going to write the words on the computer, print them out and get her to decorate it. She loves craft projects.

I have my 12 week scan on friday. I've never had this one before. I thought it would mean I had one less thing to worry about, but at least until I have it and get the results, it's just one more thing to worry about.

I've got a decent sized belly now, at 11 weeks. Worthwhile putting up a picture of! I am quite pleased to have a growing bump. Trying to focus on that feeling!

I told people at work that I'm pregnant this week. Which is good because although I was dreading it, it wasn't that bad and now I don't have to hide my growing belly. I guess I was worried that people would be all excited and I wouldn't be able to cope with their reactions. But I did ok. I feel like telling people to get excited after the baby's here. But on the other hand, it makes me feel happy and loved when people are excited for me. People are making extra fuss about my pregnancy because of Luca, but because of Luca the fuss is hard. Pregnancy is just not the same any more. It's a real innocence lost. I've lost that feeling of basking in pregnancy - I was always so proud to be pregnant. But then I let Luca die and I really don't feel so clever anymore.

In the meantime, all the babies born around Luca's birthday continue to grow, getting cuter, doing more. Doing anything other than being a pile of ashes in a little urn really. And his birthday is sneaking up on me. Foolish to think about it already I guess, but I can't seem to help it.

I have a new bling ring to remember Luca by!!

I've been flat out. I love writing in my blog though so here I am, escaping from logistic regression.

It's the first really warm day of spring here today - 29 degrees. I took my work outside earlier but most of it has to be done on the computer. Still, it's windy outside and the warm breeze is surrounding me (along with all the pieces of paper flying around the house).

My scan went well. The baby is in the right spot and has a heart beat. There wasn't much to see - just a few pixels moving. I was beginning to worry the ultrasonographer was going to say 'I'm sorry, there's nothing there'. I was pleased but no more than that really. It's still early days and I'm hoping my excitement will grow, but perhaps it will be missing for my whole pregnancy. And I didn't fall apart in the ultrasound room. It probably helped that it was in an area of the hospital I've not been in before, so it didn't have that connection to Luca's pregnancy. I got told to say I was there for the viability scan. Honestly, where do they come up with these heartless terms? Senile gravida, products of conception, fetal death in utero, viability.

They asked me if I wanted to come back next week. If you could keep babies alive by having lots of ultrasounds, I would, but you can't so I'm going to wait until 12 weeks. And then until 20 weeks if nothing goes wrong. After that who knows really. Tiger territory my consultant called it. My feet were itching in bed last night. Surely I can't have the cholestasis this early. I'm trying to pretend I didn't notice it at the moment. It will become much more obvious if it really is cholestasis. I spent hours awake last night. Thinking, thinking. Imagining possible conversations and scenarios if this should go wrong, that should go wrong. I should get up if I'm awake for over an hour, but I know that will remind me of nights spent in the lounge room during Luca's pregnancy, when I was itching too much to sleep. It always felt like time spent with him.

Eliana wore undies at childcare on friday and apparently only had one accident! She'll be four soon, so I've been beginning to wonder if it will ever happen. She had two accidents and no successes at home this morning but I don't really mind - she still wanted undies on and was terribly proud of them. Steve didn't want to take her in undies to the footy so we compromised and put her in a pull up. She also had her hair in plaits for the first time today. She's always refused to have her hair tied up but somehow I managed to talk her into it the other day. So a very different look today!

I bought a ring to remember Luca by. I bought it on ebay and I was a bit worried it wouldn't be what I was after, but I absolutely love it, and it fits! His name means light so I've been looking for a citrine. I thought it would look a bit like the sun. Citrine is also meant to have healing properties and is meant to bring happiness, joy and optimism into your life. It is meant to embody sun energy. So, perfect, really. Here it is....

I'm not feeling as tired any more which is great. My belly is growing fast. For 9 weeks it's positively massive. I can't believe people haven't noticed. Or perhaps they have... not many people are game to ask a woman if she's pregnant, and probably less so me! I have the week off work next week to get lots of my thesis done. So I guess I'll tell people at work that I'm pregnant the week after, when I'm in next.

And here's some photos of Eliana in Luca's garden. Well, you can't see much of the garden, but the purple flowers were picked on it. They are in a vase on the kitchen bench now.

To all the fathers...

To all the fathers of children on earth and of children no longer with you, I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of the fathers you are regardless of whether your children are with you or not. Being a mother to a child who has died is hard... surely being a father to a child who has died is hard too, even when you keep your thoughts to yourself.

And for those of you with no living children, I'm thinking of the fathers you would have been if your children were living today. The dreams you had, unrealised. The questions of what you were going to do with a baby, unanswered. But also the fathers you still are, in a different, unchosen, way.

And to my own darling husband, Steve, I'm thinking of the beautiful father you are to our daughter, and the way you have come to terms with losing Luca, without losing your love for him.

Here's the picture I'm going to put on your Fathers Day card with the words 'May our family always be planted and tended with love'.

Steve and Eliana planting Luca's memorial garden

Would hope please spring?

First day of spring! I'm dying for the weather to warm up. I have this fantasy that my mood will improve as winter turns to spring.

I've been feeling crampy for a few days. Nothing much... just enough to make me anxious. I'm really looking forward to my scan on Thursday, but worried as well. This will be the first scan I've had since the one where we found out Luca had died at 35 weeks. In the early days I spent many wakeful nights replaying the part where I saw his unbeating heart on the big screen. The ultrasonographer's words echoed in my head 'there's the heart but unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately - doesn't really express the horror does it?

So I'm not just anxious about the baby being ok. I'm anxious about having a scan at all. How will I make myself enter the room? Lie down? Open my eyes to look?

I can't believe how tired I am. I've been absolutely useless. Spent all weekend doing my masters project and now I want my weekend but it's time to go to work. And I'm just on the edge of crying a lot of the time. I like to think I've got it all together but just scratch the surface and I'll fall apart. Steve just yelled because he sat on a pen sticking out of the couch and I started crying. Talk about fragile.

My grief counsellor suggested that I write to Luca and tell him what I would have been doing with him now. I said it sounded like torture but on friday night I did sit in his garden and think about how if he was here it wouldn't be Steve picking up Eliana from child care. It would be me picking up Luca and Eliana because Luca would need his breastfeed. I would be doing what I did for Eliana when she first started child care - feeding him before we left for home. I would have been pleased to see him every time I picked him up, just like I'm pleased to see Eliana.

I'm trying a new counsellor tomorrow night, after getting my mental health plan reviewed at my GP. I don't know what I'll tell her, starting from scratch so far down the track. I'm really hoping she can help me reach a place where I am no longer thinking all the time of what I should have done or what the hospital should have done. It just doesn't do me any good but I've tried so hard to let go of even some of it and I just haven't gotten very far. I try not to spend too much time in the past but it's so hard. In the past lies Luca. What could have been, what should have been. In the present lies my lovely daughter and my husband. In the future, hopefully, another baby. The one who would not have been. I read a lovely poem that finished with the thought that another child wouldn't be born if his or her mother didn't have the strength and the love to try again. But I don't feel very strong really. Crushed, yes. Unsure of myself, yes. Strong, no, not really.