Remembering

I am seriously embarrassed that over a year has flown by. I think about Luca a lot but somehow haven't gotten pen to paper (keyboard to screen?). Tomorrow is the SIDS and Kids remembering service (and Red Nose Day) so I've taken the day off work. Talk about mixed feelings... apprehensive but somehow looking forward to some time to think about Luca and remember. During the service they have a time where parents can go on stage and speak about their child. I'm thinking of going up and saying something but somehow nothing seems good enough.

With Eliana off to school for the first time this year I've found myself telling new people about Luca for the first time in ages - mums of other children. And it's different now. I guess I'm lighter about the whole thing. But scratch a bit deeper and I'm still missing him.

Here's pictures of the two girls for Red Nose Day...

She's here!

Just a quick note to say that Arabella Gelsi was born safely on Good Friday, 2 April at 3:46am. She came on her own just hours before her scheduled induction. Her birth was a bit dramatic as the midwife in emergency didn't think I was in established labour. I had to go without pain relief until I started to yell - figured I better do something to get some attention. By the time they got me a room in the birth suite I was 9cm and finally got some gas. It was horrible - I've had an epidural on board by then for my other two births. I couldn't push her out fast enough for my liking!

We were so relieved she was alive and well. Steve was crying and I don't know what I was doing but remember telling everyone 'she's alive!'. Even though the birth was quick and scary (just over 2 hours) I got what I wanted in that it was very different to Luca's birth. It was noisy (his birth was so quiet), dramatic (he slipped quietly and sadly into the world without really coming into the world at all), and I delivered her kneeling. She's a sweet little thing, feeding well, waking every 1-2 hours overnight and sleeping a lot of the day.

I haven't felt upset about Luca all over again, but on the other hand I've never stopped grieving him. He is always there pulling at my heart strings as I mother him in a different way to my children here.

Waiting

I'm counting down til my induction day this Friday. And hoping she'll come earlier on her own. I am suddenly amazingly in touch with my body. Where is she lying? Where is she kicking? Was that a contraction? Is there pressure down low? Lots of wishful thinking.

I am strangely calm. After a couple of really panicky days early last week I have been feeling a sense that all is right and all is well.

My ob rang today to say he wont be in the clinic on Wednesday and he will see me on Thursday to assess my preparedness for induction. It will be hard waiting an extra day but the time is passing just as it has over the rest of my pregnancy - slowly but surely. I'm keeping busy clearing out the nursery and had lots of friends over today. Tomorrow I'll go for fetal monitoring which should be reassuring and will give me a chance to ask the midwives if she's engaged at all yet.

Today Steve picked up a 'new' chest of drawers I bought on ebay. They are to put Eliana's clothes in so I can put the baby's clothes in the ones she's using now. I'm looking forward to putting our baby girl's clothes away. To being ready for her. All of a sudden it's so important to show I'm ready to have her in our lives. The hospital bags are packed. Finished in the middle of the night during one of my spurts of wishful thinking making too much of some Braxton Hicks I was having. I was excited when I started having contractions and then relieved that I felt excitement, that birth could still hold excitement for me after having to deliver Luca dead just over a year ago.

I haven't spent a lot of time imagining what it will be like with a new baby and I think I'm in for a shock. But I don't know that I'll care - just give me a live baby and I will love her, cherish her, dote on her in the way that I have Eliana and Luca, and probably more.

Anxious times

On tuesday I went to the hospital for my weekly fetal monitoring. I had the CTG and everything looked fine. The midwife asked me to wait in the waiting room again for a scan to check my amniotic fluid levels. I was wondering if they had me mixed up with someone else, as I'm sure there was nothing on the request sheet my ob had given me. Eventually my turn came around and I was lying there trying not to cry. I would have asked Steve to come if I'd known I was having a scan. I really haven't been so good with ultrasounds since the one we had at 35 weeks with Luca when we found out he'd died. The lady doing the scan, who I think may have been a midwife, left the room saying she needed to get someone else to take a look. This was really not the type of de ja vu I needed. The second person confirmed that my fluid was low. They called the registrar and he said I needed a scan in the imaging centre. He asked me if there was anything other than the cholestasis that caused Luca to die. That freaked me out, especially when I read later that low fluid can be caused by chromosomal abnormality - I wondered if that's what he was checking.

I phoned Steve and asked him to come in and sat in the waiting room trying not to cry. I must have freaked him out, as I was a bit hysterical and the mobile reception in the hospital is terrible. He arrived and waited for the scan with me. An obstetrician did the scan and confirmed again than my fluid was low. They decided I needed a swab to check if my fluid was leaking. Then it got worse emotionally. Emergency asked that I be sent to the birth centre so I had to have the swab in the birth centre. I hadn't gone back there since Luca was born still there; since we said goodbye and left him in a room, walking down the hallway empty handed. And I wasn't ready to go back - I hadn't prepared at all.

Anyway my fluid wasn't leaking so that's good. I worry so much about our baby girl though. I wish she was out. I'm glad I haven't got the cholestasis yet but I really didn't need anything else to worry about. I spoke to the consultant the next day to make sure he agreed with the follow up plan. I just have no trust in the parade of strangers I saw on tuesday. Not after what happened with Luca. He did agree and he told me that the obstetrician doing the scan had looked at the kidneys and bladder and hadn't found any abnormalities. He said it was probably just one of those things.

So I'm getting checked again on Wednesday. This time I'll ask Steve if he can come for the monitoring as well as my ob visit. I think that having 35 weeks coming up, which is when Luca died, is not helping with my anxiety.

We went to a first birthday party today. The first we've been to for the babies born around the same time as Luca. It wasn't too bad, though stupidly I hadn't realised that all the other babies around that age would also be there. I was pretty much surrounded by one year olds. Luca should have been there too.

Time creeping by

I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and the time is slowly creeping by. I've been telling everyone we're taking it week by week, but I think I'm just about at the taking it day by day point. I'm still healthy - no cholestasis. My ob says keep doing what you've been doing. So I am. Eating well, taking my herbs/vitamins/minerals, acupuncture, dandelion tea, exercising. If nothing else it gives me an illusion of control. And it's reassuring to know I'm doing what I can.

I'm dreading 35 weeks. That's when Luca died. I guess I assumed I wouldn't make it to 35 weeks this time - that I'd get the cholestasis early on again and need to have the baby out at 33 weeks like my ob said. I'm glad she's still on board and that she's safe but it will be hard having to go past 35 weeks. I really can't imagine going full term. Even if the cholestasis stays away I can't imagine going past 37 weeks. Actually I do imagine it but with some horror. Longing and horror. What a combination.

And then that brings me to realise that 37 weeks is only five weeks away. Only five weeks and I might be at the end of this nightmarish pregnancy. Holding my baby girl. It's hard to imagine a live baby. Sometimes I think about what it would be like but it doesn't feel like a reality, like a given, they way it did during my other pregnancies. I was looking through Eliana's new born photos yesterday remembering what it was like. There are several of Steve holding Eliana with a beautiful smile on his face. I want to see that proud dad smile on his face again soon.

Another first birthday invitation came my way this week. Reminding me that my friend and I were pregnant together. That she had a beautiful healthy baby girl and I had a dead son (though also beautiful).

Another friend who I was pregnant with came up to me at church on Wednesday night to show me her daughter's first tooth. I smiled politely but inside I was shriveling. I really struggle with the milestones of the babies born around Luca. I want to say 'go away and tell someone else'. But I don't of course. It's too hard and too painful to explain. And futile.

It seems like I haven't had an outlet for my sadness for ages. I think when it's not as raw I can keep a lid on it but it's still there, and perhaps threatening to boil over. I wonder if I could do some more scrapbooking. I kind of ran out of ideas for Luca's scrapbook and put it to the side.

I am going to a series of art therapy classes which I'm really looking forward to. It will be great to spend time again 'with' Luca and with other mothers who've lost babies and children. And support during pregnancy meetings start again this month too. It's been three months since we've been to one as they have a two month break over Christmas. It's been hard having no one to talk to who understands.

I'm getting to the point where I'm tired and emotional much of the time. I'm craving love and attention. Eliana is really quite lovely but I'm finding it hard to be around her all day. I really need time for myself. Or perhaps just less demands on me. I spent three hours in the kitchen on Friday doing the dishes and cooking a meal for our friends who were coming over. Eliana needed entertaining at the same time. I was almost in tears by the time they got here, I was so exhausted. Sometimes I just want to turn off and lie down. I want to curl up in the fetal position and go to sleep.

Meet you at the sunset - January meeting

Better late than never!

The Secret Garden has changed persona to Meet you at the sunset. January's topic for blogging is:
For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your child's memory?

I've already written a little about the holiday season here. Looking back it was a time of mixed feelings. Wanting to get caught up in the Christmas spirit but really not able to carry it off. Enjoying Eliana's excitement but with an undercurrent of sadness that I could not shake - nor did I expect to. I found it challenging to acknowledge Luca in public. I just couldn't risk it emotionally. Although I would have loved some support from others it seemed better to keep my thoughts to myself. Safer. We had some memorial candles from the Christmas service at Mercy Grief Services. I took one of them with us on Christmas day but only lit it at the first out of the three places we went that day. We did hang special ornaments on our Christmas tree. Some we'd made at a SANDS Christmas meeting and some we'd made at the Christmas service. That was nice because Eliana, Steve and I all had a chance to make something. Mum gave us a silver heart too. I can't say I was thinking about Luca's first Christmas while I was pregnant with him. He was due in February. But as with all special occasions since he died it seems that the happier I am meant to be, the more I feel his loss.

Struggling along

I'm struggling these days. Tired all the time. Dispirited. I'm 28 weeks pregnant now. I was 29 weeks when the itching started with Luca. The beginning of the end. I'm trying to see this as a good thing - I haven't gotten the cholestasis any earlier. My baby girl is still safe. But really I'm anxious. And drowning in the memories. If we make it to 35 weeks, which is when Luca died, I'm going to be a basket case.

I've started having weekly liver function and bile acid tests. I realised after the first two that they weren't going to be reassuring if I didn't know the results. I don't trust the hospital to tell me, after what happened with Luca. So I text messaged my ob to ask. Bile acids were only 2.4 on Wednesday which is ridiculously normal. My baby girl is safe. She's safe. That's what I keep telling myself.

My ob said I could go in for weekly monitoring on the CTG and I said no. Now I'm worried that if something goes wrong I'll regret that decision. There is no benefit to the monitoring but still I worry. Every decision or lack of decision could mean something. I know this too well from Luca's pregnancy. How many times have I gone over every little thing that I did or didn't do that could have made a difference? I never want to do that again.

Most of the time I can tell myself that everything will be ok this time. Our baby will be born alive; will cry; will have her first feed. But deeper down lurk the doubts. It happened once, it can happen again. I never know what to say when people say 'you'll be right this time'. At first I told people that actually the condition I had with Luca recurs and I had it will Eliana and I'll probably get it again. But I just can't be bothered anymore. Even if it turns out alright this time, if we get our baby out alive, will it ever be alright? We'll never have our son with us. A lifetime of missing stretches ahead of me.

Today Eliana went to a new class at church. The teachers got each child to stand up and tell their name, their brothers and sisters, their parent's names and what they've done on the holidays. My friend who takes the class said that Eliana got up and said her name and then said she has a brother Luca who's dead; her mummy's name is Rebecca, her daddy's name is Steve, and mummy is having a baby girl; and she spent the holidays hanging out with mummy and daddy. I got all teary hearing that she talked about Luca. She should be saying that she has a brother named Luca. Full stop. He should be here. Her little brother.

Luca's birthday

Luca's birthday finally came around. 8 January 2009.

The 8th of January 2010 was, in a way, not as bad as the days before it. After all, by the day he was born the tragedy had already happened. The day of his birth I birthed him, held him. Though it was also the day we said goodbye to him. As 7pm came around I reminded Steve that it was about that time last year that we were walking empty handed out of the hospital.

In the morning we bought coffee and cake in Acland Street and had it in the St Kilda Community Vegie Garden which is a lovely spot. My mum and sister joined us. No one talked about Luca, but neither did they say anything hurtful. Mum gave us a cross stitch she'd done for him. In the afternoon at home Steve brought out Luca's photo album and we sat and looked through it together. He always joins me on the couch when he sees me looking through it but I can't recall him getting it out before, so that was really sweet. That evening we went to a friend's house and they cooked dinner for us, prayed with us, gave us flowers, and were just so supportive.

Since then I've been feeling very tired and flat. And anxious about our little girl. Having all my memories of Luca's last days refreshed reminded me that my body kills babies. Still no itching though, and I've made it to the third trimester. I'm even thinking about making a start on the nursery.

I keep meaning to write a poem for Luca but I can't get past the title. Without.


Luca's memorial garden is flourishing


Sunflowers at the St Kilda Community Garden (Luca means light)


Standing in Luca's garden with our baby girl on board.


Eliana holding the balloon from Luca's funeral which we inflated again.

The dreaded week

A year ago on Tuesday I was in the hospital getting blood tests and thinking about going to emergency as Luca hadn't been moving as much. But I didn't. A year ago yesterday I felt Luca move for the last time at about 4pm. As usual I was awake for most of the night itching, and I was worried about him but still didn't do anything. A year ago today we found out he'd died... saw his unbeating heart filling the big screen in the ultrasound room. Back through the antenatal waiting room to fill in the forms for induction the next day. A year ago tomorrow he was born spontaneously at 6:30am. Perfect in every way except he didn't come out soon enough.

So it's been a hard year. A really hard year. And after a year to reflect, I still think he would be here with us if only I had looked after him properly. We would have had his first Christmas, perhaps a party for his 1st birthday, blissfully unaware that our baby could die. After all, doesn't that happen to Other People? Well, now it's happened to me. And people say that good things come from it. But I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up in an instant to have Luca in my arms where he belongs.

Here's a picture of his mulberry tree at my dad's house. A beautiful living memorial, but flourishing and reminding me that he should be flourishing.

Christmas spirit

So I got through Christmas with my sanity intact. Another milestone.

My Christmas gift was viability as I was 24 weeks on Christmas Eve. It's good to know that if we have to get our baby girl out she has some chance at life from now on. And every week is now a bonus. Of course I'd like a full term baby with a spontaneous labour, but I want a live baby more.

Luca was the elephant in the room at all my family's celebrations. I mentioned him a couple of times but got deflected. No one brought him up and everyone gushed about my pregnancy as if pregnancy is just the same for me now. Still, it's nice to have people excited I guess.

Today we are off to do it all again with Steve's family in Shepparton. And then camping which I am hoping will be nice and relaxing. All the time it's creeping closer to Luca's birthday on January 8. I should be planning presents and a cake; anticipating a joyful celebration as our baby Luca turns one. Instead there's just a heavy sense of dread. And loss. And without.

I was having a cry looking through Luca's photos last night. It's a confusing thought to realise that we wouldn't be expecting a baby girl now if he had lived. As much as I want him here, I couldn't wish her away.

Eliana has been a delight the whole Christmas season. She has adored the local carols by candlelight, visiting Santa in the city square, doing her advent calendar, going to look at Christmas light displays, and presents of course. One of the pieces of advice I read on coping with Christmas was to remember that happiness can exist alongside sadness. Eliana has helped me with that, with her enthusiasm and joy over the celebrations.

Girly bits

We had the 20 week ultrasound and we're having a baby girl. It was very emotional finding out. Steve and I both cried. Later as we had a debrief in the coffee shop I said to Steve 'A girl. That's good isn't it?'. He got teary and said 'There's not going to be a boy'. It broke my heart. I was hoping for a boy too, as I don't want to have taken away Steve's only boy. On the other hand it makes Luca all that more special. Our son. Our only son. I think we're both grieving for him all over again. Not that I stopped, but it's fresher again.

I told Steve that when we found out Luca was a boy I was disappointed because I wanted a girl - it took me a couple of months at least to start looking forward to our son. Whether Steve's grieving Luca or the loss of a boy in our family, he needs permission to grieve.

It's hard because it seems that you are not meant to talk about having a preference. Even my SIDS and Kids counsellor said 'well, as long as it's healthy'. Ah yes, I already realise that's what I'm supposed to say. And I know we'll adore our baby girl. But I need to be able to talk to someone about losing Steve's only boy. My only boy. Our only boy.

I went op shopping and bought some baby girl clothes. It did help, just as buying baby boy clothes helped when I found we were having a boy last time. I do have thoughts of 'will I ever need these?' but I'm trying to hope.

In other news, I started itching a couple of weeks ago. I was beside myself. Last time I got the cholestasis at 29 weeks and our son died. Here I was at 19 weeks itching. The weather cooled down but the itch stayed. It spread. No rashes or anything - seemed like cholestasis to me. I asked for prayers at church and it went away a couple of days later. I'm so relieved. Still feel like a time bomb waiting for it to start again though.

Secret garden meeting October

This month's meeting (well, last month's now... I'm a bit slow) is about where we are at in our grief.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 10 months since I let my baby boy slip away from us when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I don't really know where I am. I have mostly good days. I'm a happy person. But I still look back; still feel terribly guilty about letting Luca die; and I really really miss him.

My friend was throwing her smiling baby up in the air last night and said to me 'Isn't six months just the best age?'. And I don't know if I even answered. That sums it up really. I should have a baby and I don't. I should be able to answer that question.

The other babies born around the same time as Luca are starting to have their first birthdays. They are adorable. Full of life. Their mums have expressions of joy and pride on their faces when they play with them. Nurturing, caring. I have a rather unattractive urn with some ashes in it. There is almost no part of my life that is not tinged with sadness. Steve and I went away on the weekend for our 6 year wedding anniversary. We had a great weekend but some of the only photos I have of me during Luca's pregnancy from our weekend away last year. I couldn't help but remember that a year ago we were looking forward to welcoming our little boy into our family.

Hope for the future? I'm 17 weeks pregnant so I do have a lot of hope pinned on this baby. Depends which day you ask me. A little three year old friend asked me yesterday if this baby will die too. And the best I could manage was 'I hope not'. Because that's all there is really. I had a maternal condition with Luca that I also had with our first and will probably get again. And even without that, the certainty of a live baby is lost forever to me now. And the future will never be completely right - I will always have one child missing and will always have the burden of knowing that I failed him and our family.

I don't think I've found peace. I think I've found acceptance. Sort of. But not peace. I hope that in the future I can let go of some of the guilt I feel. I hope I don't have to continually regret things I did and didn't do during Luca's pregnancy. I try to remind myself that there is no other evidence that I'm a bad mum. That I would have loved him more and more; that I love my daughter and am a good mother to her. I hope I don't always feel like a failure.

Consternation

I'm struggling emotionally. People keep saying 'you look great'. Which is lovely of course. Wish I felt great though. Physically I'm good - I've got my energy back. Although, my shoulders are hopelessly tight and my back aches a bit - could be stress, could be sitting at my computer all week.

I've had this week off work to write up my masters thesis. It's going pretty well. I just can't wait to hand it in. I'm hoping having more spare time on my hands will help me deal with my anxiety. And we're going away next weekend with some friends and the weekend after just Steve and I for our 6 year anniversary. It's lovely to have that to look forward to.

I've had a couple of dreams about my baby dying. They were awful obviously. The first time I got up as it was morning. It was a work day but I just sat on the couch rocking back and forth. Of course I eventually got going but it was really hard to pull myself together again.

I've had so little time to deal with my grief over Luca lately. Every now and then it creeps up on me and I think it's also sitting in the background, not as resolved as it was when I was working on it more. I'm looking forward to getting back to his scrapbook. His garden is lovely at the moment. The rose bushes are starting to flower - we have a just joey and it has had the most enormous flowers on it. And there are lots of other flowers bobbing around in the breeze, attracting bees and butterflies.

Steve is away this weekend for a boys weekend, and from Monday to Wednesday for work. I'm worried a bit. I need to know someone is here looking after me. It's not like he's constantly doing things for me or anything, but I know that he's here if I lose it.

I got my first one year old birthday invitation for one of the same crop of babies as Luca the other day. Going is completely out of the question. I think it will be a long time before I can attend their birthdays, these babies whose mummies were pregnant with me. It's still hard to be around them at all. I make myself do it because I don't want to miss out on my friends and their families, but it's still hard. The constant reminder. They are all starting to crawl and pull themselves up on furniture now. Would Luca be doing that? Would he be like his big sister - walking late but one day getting up and walking for the first time steady and confident. Or would he be a typical boy - crawling and walking early and into everything? I will never know because he's my missing child.

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

I have tried many things to help me along my grief journey. Just some that I can think of now are:

• Reading books
• Attending support groups (SIDS and Kids, SANDS, and one at the hospital)
• Seeing a grief counsellor
• Seeing an energy healer
• Seeing a psychologist (actually 3)
• Journaling
• Planting and tending a garden for Luca
• Planting a tree for Luca at my dad's rural property
• Spending 'time' with Luca - looking through his photos, listening to music, scrapbooking
• Lighting a candle at dinner from time to time
• Online support forums
• Belly dancing
• Yoga
• Buying a ring to remember him by
• Attending memorial services for those whose babies have died
• Talking about Luca, sharing his story with anyone who would listen.

When people have asked me does (... going to the group, reading x book, seeing a counsellor etc...) help?, I have always said 'Everything helps a little bit'. I guess that's why I wanted to share a list. The combination of all those things has helped me through.

The best things have been:

Staying home for 8 months on my maternity leave. Even though I was shattered that my leave wasn't as it should be, I was very glad to have that time to grieve. Steve also stayed home for 3 months after Luca was born, using his long service leave. That was wonderful. He took me to appointments, shared looking after Eliana, was great company etc etc. Having him around really helped me get through those days when I didn't even want to put one foot in front of another.

SIDS and Kids have been a life line for me. I have been to three different support groups there - hope and healing, for those who have lost babies after 20 weeks of gestation; subsequent pregnancy, for those who are thinking about or are trying to conceive; and support during pregnancy for those who have conceived. It's been so good to talk to others and Steve comes too which is great because we get to find out what each other is thinking! I've also attended a SIDS and Kids playgroup, a nurturing day, and talked to one of their counsellors.

Scrapbooking. I used to scoff at people who did scrapbooking. I thought it was terribly daggy. But I love scrapbooking for Luca. It's like spending time with him. Making something beautiful out of something sad. And I guess a way to express how I feel about him too. Planting a garden for him at home and a mulberry tree for him at my dad's house have been good for similar reasons - the remembering and doing something for him.

Reading books. Books have been a life line to me. Especially early on when everything felt like a mammoth effort - I didn't really have to do much to read a book. Order it on the internet, wait for it to arrive, and inhale it, hoping for some comfort. Some books I would recommend are:

• Empty cradle broken heart by Deborah Davis - this book was just perfect. It explained and comforted.
• When a baby dies by Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley - this book is published by SANDS UK and really explains what happens when you are grieving. It made me realise I wasn't the only person this had ever happened to.
• Our babies have died by SANDS Victoria - this is a book of stories written by bereaved parents, talking about their loss and their grief.
• An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: A memoir by Elizabeth McCracken - this is one woman's story of the loss of her first child.
• Safe passage by Molly Fumia - this is a book of sayings to help you through grief.
• Overcoming grief by Sue Morris - this is a self help type book that uses cognitive behaviour therapy exercises to help you come to terms with your loss.

Hope this helps someone else get through this heart wrenching time too.

Mixed feelings swirling around

I have this strange new feeling of blogger's block. Like I feel all kinds of things but I can't explain or even identify them. I've been feeling anxious for weeks. There's no one thing in particular but it's just there in the background. Maybe it's just the 3rd trimester creeping closer. I'm more excited because it looks like this baby is hanging around, but more anxious because the bad time is coming.

My GP recalled me to discuss my blood test results this week. I had to wait days for an appointment and I was trying not to worry. It turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is low which can indicate a maternal condition of pregnancy. I just need to get retested in a month so that's not too bad, but I'm worried about it anyway. In Eliana's pregnancy I had PUPPPS and obstetric cholestasis. In Luca's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis. Maternal conditions seem to flock to me. I feel like a living bomb which could go off at any minute. Just trying not to think too far ahead.

I'm still lying awake at night for hours at a time thinking things over. Last night I wrote a book about Luca for Eliana. Just in my head. I'm going to write the words on the computer, print them out and get her to decorate it. She loves craft projects.

I have my 12 week scan on friday. I've never had this one before. I thought it would mean I had one less thing to worry about, but at least until I have it and get the results, it's just one more thing to worry about.

I've got a decent sized belly now, at 11 weeks. Worthwhile putting up a picture of! I am quite pleased to have a growing bump. Trying to focus on that feeling!

I told people at work that I'm pregnant this week. Which is good because although I was dreading it, it wasn't that bad and now I don't have to hide my growing belly. I guess I was worried that people would be all excited and I wouldn't be able to cope with their reactions. But I did ok. I feel like telling people to get excited after the baby's here. But on the other hand, it makes me feel happy and loved when people are excited for me. People are making extra fuss about my pregnancy because of Luca, but because of Luca the fuss is hard. Pregnancy is just not the same any more. It's a real innocence lost. I've lost that feeling of basking in pregnancy - I was always so proud to be pregnant. But then I let Luca die and I really don't feel so clever anymore.

In the meantime, all the babies born around Luca's birthday continue to grow, getting cuter, doing more. Doing anything other than being a pile of ashes in a little urn really. And his birthday is sneaking up on me. Foolish to think about it already I guess, but I can't seem to help it.

I have a new bling ring to remember Luca by!!

I've been flat out. I love writing in my blog though so here I am, escaping from logistic regression.

It's the first really warm day of spring here today - 29 degrees. I took my work outside earlier but most of it has to be done on the computer. Still, it's windy outside and the warm breeze is surrounding me (along with all the pieces of paper flying around the house).

My scan went well. The baby is in the right spot and has a heart beat. There wasn't much to see - just a few pixels moving. I was beginning to worry the ultrasonographer was going to say 'I'm sorry, there's nothing there'. I was pleased but no more than that really. It's still early days and I'm hoping my excitement will grow, but perhaps it will be missing for my whole pregnancy. And I didn't fall apart in the ultrasound room. It probably helped that it was in an area of the hospital I've not been in before, so it didn't have that connection to Luca's pregnancy. I got told to say I was there for the viability scan. Honestly, where do they come up with these heartless terms? Senile gravida, products of conception, fetal death in utero, viability.

They asked me if I wanted to come back next week. If you could keep babies alive by having lots of ultrasounds, I would, but you can't so I'm going to wait until 12 weeks. And then until 20 weeks if nothing goes wrong. After that who knows really. Tiger territory my consultant called it. My feet were itching in bed last night. Surely I can't have the cholestasis this early. I'm trying to pretend I didn't notice it at the moment. It will become much more obvious if it really is cholestasis. I spent hours awake last night. Thinking, thinking. Imagining possible conversations and scenarios if this should go wrong, that should go wrong. I should get up if I'm awake for over an hour, but I know that will remind me of nights spent in the lounge room during Luca's pregnancy, when I was itching too much to sleep. It always felt like time spent with him.

Eliana wore undies at childcare on friday and apparently only had one accident! She'll be four soon, so I've been beginning to wonder if it will ever happen. She had two accidents and no successes at home this morning but I don't really mind - she still wanted undies on and was terribly proud of them. Steve didn't want to take her in undies to the footy so we compromised and put her in a pull up. She also had her hair in plaits for the first time today. She's always refused to have her hair tied up but somehow I managed to talk her into it the other day. So a very different look today!

I bought a ring to remember Luca by. I bought it on ebay and I was a bit worried it wouldn't be what I was after, but I absolutely love it, and it fits! His name means light so I've been looking for a citrine. I thought it would look a bit like the sun. Citrine is also meant to have healing properties and is meant to bring happiness, joy and optimism into your life. It is meant to embody sun energy. So, perfect, really. Here it is....

I'm not feeling as tired any more which is great. My belly is growing fast. For 9 weeks it's positively massive. I can't believe people haven't noticed. Or perhaps they have... not many people are game to ask a woman if she's pregnant, and probably less so me! I have the week off work next week to get lots of my thesis done. So I guess I'll tell people at work that I'm pregnant the week after, when I'm in next.

And here's some photos of Eliana in Luca's garden. Well, you can't see much of the garden, but the purple flowers were picked on it. They are in a vase on the kitchen bench now.

To all the fathers...

To all the fathers of children on earth and of children no longer with you, I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of the fathers you are regardless of whether your children are with you or not. Being a mother to a child who has died is hard... surely being a father to a child who has died is hard too, even when you keep your thoughts to yourself.

And for those of you with no living children, I'm thinking of the fathers you would have been if your children were living today. The dreams you had, unrealised. The questions of what you were going to do with a baby, unanswered. But also the fathers you still are, in a different, unchosen, way.

And to my own darling husband, Steve, I'm thinking of the beautiful father you are to our daughter, and the way you have come to terms with losing Luca, without losing your love for him.

Here's the picture I'm going to put on your Fathers Day card with the words 'May our family always be planted and tended with love'.

Steve and Eliana planting Luca's memorial garden

Would hope please spring?

First day of spring! I'm dying for the weather to warm up. I have this fantasy that my mood will improve as winter turns to spring.

I've been feeling crampy for a few days. Nothing much... just enough to make me anxious. I'm really looking forward to my scan on Thursday, but worried as well. This will be the first scan I've had since the one where we found out Luca had died at 35 weeks. In the early days I spent many wakeful nights replaying the part where I saw his unbeating heart on the big screen. The ultrasonographer's words echoed in my head 'there's the heart but unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately - doesn't really express the horror does it?

So I'm not just anxious about the baby being ok. I'm anxious about having a scan at all. How will I make myself enter the room? Lie down? Open my eyes to look?

I can't believe how tired I am. I've been absolutely useless. Spent all weekend doing my masters project and now I want my weekend but it's time to go to work. And I'm just on the edge of crying a lot of the time. I like to think I've got it all together but just scratch the surface and I'll fall apart. Steve just yelled because he sat on a pen sticking out of the couch and I started crying. Talk about fragile.

My grief counsellor suggested that I write to Luca and tell him what I would have been doing with him now. I said it sounded like torture but on friday night I did sit in his garden and think about how if he was here it wouldn't be Steve picking up Eliana from child care. It would be me picking up Luca and Eliana because Luca would need his breastfeed. I would be doing what I did for Eliana when she first started child care - feeding him before we left for home. I would have been pleased to see him every time I picked him up, just like I'm pleased to see Eliana.

I'm trying a new counsellor tomorrow night, after getting my mental health plan reviewed at my GP. I don't know what I'll tell her, starting from scratch so far down the track. I'm really hoping she can help me reach a place where I am no longer thinking all the time of what I should have done or what the hospital should have done. It just doesn't do me any good but I've tried so hard to let go of even some of it and I just haven't gotten very far. I try not to spend too much time in the past but it's so hard. In the past lies Luca. What could have been, what should have been. In the present lies my lovely daughter and my husband. In the future, hopefully, another baby. The one who would not have been. I read a lovely poem that finished with the thought that another child wouldn't be born if his or her mother didn't have the strength and the love to try again. But I don't feel very strong really. Crushed, yes. Unsure of myself, yes. Strong, no, not really.

Secret Garden meeting for August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into their room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We had barely started preparing Luca's room when he died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. We were the same with our daughter. Her room was finished a couple of months after she came home. But there was no after for Luca. Our office was to become Luca's room. I had set up a new nappy change table and had his clothes ready in size order. I'd moved enormous piles of papers from the desk ready to dismantle it. His cot was still behind our daughter's wardrobe and under her bed. I had been putting Eliana's baby toys away over the months I was pregnant so they wouldn't be 'hers' when the baby came. I hadn't bought many clothes because my sister had a baby son who was six months old at the time and I knew she would pass his clothes on. I had not yet called in all my lent out baby items from Eliana and afterwards I wished I had, even though I didn't need them.

When Luca died I regretted not having finished his room. I think I would have liked somewhere to go and cry. Coming home without our beautiful baby boy was so difficult in so many ways. His things were all over the house - everywhere I looked there were reminders of the baby I should have with me. Even my own still swollen belly and my empty breasts were cruel reminders that I carried to every room in the house.

I packed away his change table a few weeks later, crying all the while. I packed away his clothes. I went through the clothes friends had lent us and returned them which was very difficult. Even packing away my maternity clothes was difficult. Months later friends still returned bits and pieces of my maternity wardrobe and I had to face the packing away over and over again.

Now I find the room very sad and I don't know how I will rid it of that melancholy feeling before our next baby is born. It has become the room where the junk goes. Spare wall insulation, appliances that don't fit in the kitchen, and all the other assorted debris of life, all the things we want to keep out of sight. When Luca first died I had plans to turn it into a guest room so that we didn't have the reminder of a nothing-room in the house, but I never did find the energy.

Now I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Getting the room ready for our new baby is not really on my mind at all yet. I finish my Masters research project at the end of October. I guess I'm thinking I'll do something about it after that, but honestly I don't know if I will be able to get the room ready until we have the baby safely home. Maybe Steve will help get me started. We'll find out whether we're having a boy or a girl and that might help me plan and imagine. Maybe I will find the hope in my heart to paint and clean and prepare.

A sister is a girl baby

Six weeks today! Hang in there little one.

Had my first appointment at the hospital yesterday. I thought I was doing ok until afterwards when I booked my next appointment (for when I'll be 12 weeks) the lady at reception gave me my appointment card. I started weeping. I spent a lot of time looking at Luca's card after he died - wishing I hadn't postponed appointments, thinking how few I'd had, thinking about the timing of the ones I had, and what if, always what if. Then I put it away. Now I have a new card, a new pregnancy, and my pregnancy with Luca is haunting me. I suppose the new card should be a sign of a fresh start - I will not make the mistakes I made last time and this time I will receive proper maternity care.

The consultant was really good. He acknowledged that it was hard for me to return to the hospital and said that if I find it hard to wait in the waiting room I can announce myself on arrival and go sit in the cafe downstairs, waiting for someone to text me. He explained how to contact the day unit if I want any fetal monitoring and how to contact him at any time. He's going to provide my pregnancy care himself. The only thing is, I'm so cynical now that I wonder if he is worried about me suing the hospital - it really was pretty over the top. My friend Lou says maybe he just feels for me. She's probably right.

I have a scan booked in for 3 September when I'll almost be 8 weeks. So that's another little milestone to get to. My consultant says not to look too far ahead, to make it to each goal eg 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan... just looking to the next one.

I'm going to have the down syndrome screening this time. I didn't with Eliana or Luca but my whole outlook on pregnancy has changed now. We probably wouldn't go on to have a diagnostic test and definitely wouldn't terminate but I'm hoping I'll get a low risk result on the screening and it will just be one less thing to worry about during my pregnancy.

I told my boss I'm pregnant. He was quite nice about it really, although I had to chuckle at him trying to give me advice... 'what you have to do is not panic and don't get all anxious about it'. Right. I'll be sure to do that! I'm going to keep the news from most of my workmates until after 12 weeks if I can. I just can't deal with their reactions right now. They'll be all happy and want to talk about it, and barely any of them have mentioned Luca - I just don't know how I'll bear it. Although I think I'm already getting a belly (is that even possible?) so I don't know how I go. I think they are pretty familiar with my maternity wardrobe by now. I put photos of Luca up at my desk when I went back to work a few weeks ago - nothing too offensive - just one of his hand holding mine and one of the four of us, in which he is quite small. Yesterday was the first time someone commented on them. Natalie who works in another section said they were beautiful and asked to see more. She completely made my day.

Eliana is sweet talking about my pregnancy 'who will it be?' she says. The other day she said 'Are you having a baby mummy?'. 'Yes'. 'Why?' 'Because we want a little baby here with us. Do you want a little brother or sister?'. Eliana misinterpreted and thought I was asking which she would like. 'A sister' she said, 'a sister is a girl baby'.

I found out today that my mum's been telling her friends about my pregnancy (one of them congratulated me when she answered the phone). I was really touched. Mum plays her cards pretty close to her chest. My friend was telling me that she saw mum the other day and said to her 'Hopefully they'll be lucky this time' and mum said 'They've already been lucky twice'. My friend was sorry she put her foot in it but I'm not sorry - I would never have known mum thought that otherwise. It brings tears to my eyes writing about it.

One of my very best friends rang to tell me that she's pregnant the other night. 6 weeks, so we're almost the same. I'm so thrilled. If you had of asked me during Luca's pregnancy whether Andrea and I would ever be pregnant together I would have said 'of course not'. I was completing my family and she wasn't ready for another one yet. But here we are pregnant together after all. They used IVF last time and were just getting ready to do it again when she fell pregnant naturally so it's just fantastic news.

So that's four good friends that I'm pregnant with. Even though I found it hard to see my friends go on and have their healthy babies last time I wouldn't wish away the times we spent talking about our pregnancies, planning how we'd spend our maternity leave together, complaining, dreaming, hoping. I think it's a really special aspect to being pregnant. It will be even better if my baby gets to grow up with the others this time.