Meanderings of a broken heart

25 May 2009

Church was torturous again yesterday. I'm thinking about not going for a while. But I'm worried that Steve will be ashamed of me. I think he's getting sick of me anyway. The other night I practically begged him to give me some encouragement and he hardly had anything to say. So I cried even more. It's not that hard - just lavish me with love and affection. Help me to feel like I'm not completely worthless.

Saw my SIL yesterday. She told me about her brother who died 10 years ago. She said she felt a lot of guilt over his death and she still feels guilty even now. So I guess it doesn't go away - you just learn to live with it. She said she doesn't think about it all the time now, but when she does it's just as fresh. I feel so bad for her... it's bad enough having someone you love die without thinking that it could have been prevented. Without thinking that it could have been prevented BY YOU.

I'm thinking about offering to go into work and help out. Apparently the Swine Flu room is now being manned from 8am to 10pm and they need 12 people per shift. But I'm still struggling with thoughts that if I hadn't cared about my work too much when I was pregnant with Luca I wouldn't have switched back to midwife treatment (to get into work earlier) and I may have gotten the right treatment and Luca may be here. Fairly or unfairly, these thoughts are making me resent my boss (and hate myself). And I guess my priorities have changed.

My friend wrote me a poem a while back:

BEC

Sorrowful eyes,

Heartbroken sighs,

I wish I could ease your pain.

But you're far away,

With Luca today,

Wishing you could hold him again.

When a baby cries,

Tears come to your eyes,

The sadness is always so near.

Not much I can do,

To help you get through,

But if you need me, I’m here.

I love the words 'you're far away with Luca today'. It explains so well how I often feel. Disconnected. Like the here and now doesn't matter much. I'm still busy puzzling over what could have been.

I'm off to the natural fertility woman today. Have printed out my charts. Had to use Eliana's pink paper as I've used all the white. Hope she can help.

Not the month

17 May 2009

So I got AF today after a couple of days of spotting. My cycle was only 23 days. I'm thinking of making an appointment with the natural fertility practitioner I saw when trying to conceive with Luca. But I'll have to tell her that I let the baby she helped me conceive last time die at 35 weeks.

Had a wonderful day yesterday at the SIDS and Kids nurturing your memories day. I did meditation, laughter yoga (which I loved!), had a massage, did scrapbooking and made a memory candle. And I got to talk about Luca, and other people's babies who've died, all day without anyone going quiet, looking awkward or changing the subject.

Then last night I went to the Singalong Sound of Music which DH gave me tickets to for mother's day. Went with a girlfriend and we had a hoot. I sang every word so throat is a bit sore today!!

Brett, whose turn it was to choose the songs for church today let me choose them. DH and I chose all our favourites and they were sung today. It was so wonderful, and very thoughtful of him.

I've been loving this poem by Leunig:

Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate
Go through the gate and head straight out 
towards the horizon

Keep going towards the horizon

Sit down and have a rest every now and again

But keep on going. Just keep on with it.

Keep on going as far as you can. 

That’s how you get there.

Leunig

Get down and boogie

12 May 2009

Managed to BD twice in what I hope was my fertile window. Fertility friend had me ovulating on day 14, not 17 like usual and I didn't really have fertile CM. So I don't hold out much hope, but at the same time I do, because I always to when TTC! It was lovely rediscovering that even conception sex is romantic with Steve.

I thought I might cry (which would be bad really) but I only got a little teary. That was in the ahem afterglow when I was thinking how this baby will be conceived in love. Which made me think about how Luca was conceived in love. Sigh.

Of course now Steve's in the bad books. Eliana and I are both sick and he got home from work last night at 8:30pm. So I had to do the day shift and the evening shift feeling revolting. Took her to the doctor as she said she had a sore ear. Thank goodness I did because she did have an infection. Tried to give her baby Panadol at Bianca's house but she spat it across the room. It was almost an exorcist moment.

I've been scanning old photos in to put on facebook which has been really fun. But now when I look at old photos of Steve and I smiling away, I can't help thinking 'that's before we knew that babies could die'.

I got through mother's day ok. These days ok means my sanity is still barely intact. We had a picnic with extended family and no one mentioned Luca - he's like the elephant in the room now. My sister Sarah (understandably) kept going on about how it was her first mother's day. I just wanted to yell 'well it's my first mother's day without one of my children, how about some special attention for me'. It's when I have thoughts like that I worry that losing Luca will change me for the worse.

Was thinking about my sister when I couldn't sleep last night. Her baby Lachlan is about to turn a year old and I remembered that we started TTC at the same time. Now she has an almost one year old and I have an angel baby and a broken heart.

Here are some nice pics of Eliana and my mum from mother's day.

TTC starts now

Well this week has been better. I've only cried once. That I can remember. Could have been more. Mmmm probably was.

Play group was good on tuesday. There were three other mothers there and they were all lovely. One had a 5 month old girl but I coped ok. One of the mums had a craft for the kids to do - scrapbooked photo frames. Eliana did a lovely one with Luca's picture in it. She chose the picture and cut out the grass and chose the colours etc. It was great talking to the other mums about Luca and about their babies. Eliana had a good time too.

Bit worried about our TTC chances this month. Finally the month we agreed to try has come around. It should be today or tomorrow as I should ovulate on sunday. I thought it was really good timing as we could try today - Luca would have been 4 months old today - and I would ovulate on sunday - which is mothers day. But Steve is in pain - weird upper body pain. I doubt he'll be up for it. Should I ask anyway... I just don't know. I'll be shattered if we have to miss this month completely after waiting for it so long.

A better week

3 May 2009

I think it's time for me to get some joy back again. I may have to wrestle it back. Luca would be 4 months old this coming week and it's hard to focus on positive things. I keep thinking about how he would be smiling heaps now and his little personality would be emerging. But I'm determined to have a more positive week.

I really hope I become a better person because of Luca. I know I am a changed person and I worry that it will be for the worse.

Some of the positive things I can think of are:

• Having Steve at home for 3 months
• If we have another child he or she will be a child we would not have had
• I'll be able to help other people who lose loved ones
• Some of my relationships have become closer
• I am more grateful for Eliana
• I have learned a lot about myself
• I've lost weight and am healthier
• We have a beautiful front garden, as we replanted it to remember Luca by
• Life and love seem more precious now
• Hopefully I'll end up with some friends I would not have met otherwise

I'm going to go to a playgroup on tuesday that's for families who have lost babies. Hopefully I will find some people to talk to as I worry my friends are getting sick of it after 4 months.

My new weapon in the potty training arsenal is working. Lego. A big bucket of it. She's allowed to choose a piece to add to her lego collection every time she sits.

Moving on? Not quite yet.

30 April 2009

Yikes, even my counsellor thinks I should move on. I deemed her wrong and didn't make another appointment. I think that like many of my friends, and definitely my family, she doesn't know what to say to me. Found a lovely quote the other day:

My friend, you do not say to me 'cease grieving'. Thank you. Until it is time to do so, I cannot stop this process, however strange and undesired it may be. But I promise you, your nearness now will help to bring my mourning to a gracious end. Molly Fumia.

Went to see my naturopath Natalie today. She gave me some homeopathic tablets and some bach flower essences to help deal with my sadness, as well as probiotics and a new herbal mix - one that's safe in pregnancy.

My liver is great now, according to the freaky VEGA machine. I've been reading up on hormonal balance and have a long list of things I can do. The diet I've been on and exercise I've already been doing is part of it so I'm already on my way.

Even if I get the cholestasis again I'll be very healthy! I've lost heaps of weight. Would never recommend having a baby die as a weight loss method, but at least something positive is happening in my life.

Natalie said that my luteal phase is long enough to support a pregnancy. I'm 10 days til ovulation (which is a very regular day 17 for me), so 7 days til we should be trying in earnest. I hope I don't feel too down. I've said all along that if I don't feel like doing it, then it's not time yet. Not that we haven't had sex at all since January, we have, just not since I've been feeling particularly low the last couple of weeks. It seems like Steve is never home at night anyway now that footy season has started.

He's out now so I'm off to do the dishes.

You have to start somewhere

30 April 2009

Luca died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. He was born two days later. A gorgeous 6 pound little boy, perfect in every way but his heart wasn't beating. Steve and I got to have him with us for a day.

I'm really struggling now. All my friends who were pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. One is a dear friend who lives just across the road so I see her often with her beautiful little girl. And when I go to church all the mothers are up the back feeding their babies, where I should be. And 6 of my friends are pregnant. It's tearing me apart, constantly torturing me with the thought that I should have Luca here with me. I want the simple joy back - the joy I used to feel when friends had babies and announced pregnancies.

I am supposed to be working on my Masters today while Eliana is in child care but I can't concentrate. The house is a pigsty. I'm having trouble eating. I'm just a complete mess.

Next month we're going to TTC again. It took almost a year to conceive Luca. I'll be shattered if it takes that long again. Every month added now is another month to get through before I know whether I'll ever have a live baby in my arms again. I had obstetric cholestasis during my pregnancy, and also during Eliana's pregnancy. She was ok and is now 3, Luca died after I didn't get the proper treatment for it, and I will probably have it again with number 3. I'm hoping that TTC will make it easer to be around babies and pregnant women. Some hope for the future.

My brightest hope that I only dare to hope in my good moments (haven't had one of those for several days) is that I wont get the cholestasis again. I've been seeing a naturopath and taking herbs to support my liver.

Alongside with feeling sadder again these last couple of weeks, the guilt has come back in force. More wishes. If only I'd...
But I can only go forward.

I have the same luteal defect I had when TTC Luca. At least now I know what it is and how to treat it. I feel really cursed though.

Well I think that's enough rambling for my first entry. I hope my next one will be more positive, if not in content, then in tone. Luca means 'bringer of light'. I really want to get past this overwhelming sadness. It's not what I want for he and I.