My week of babies

5 July 2009

OK, I need to vent about all the babies in my life!

Tuesday. Went to Bianca's for a cup of tea so lots of Harriet. Her and Luca were meant to grow up together. Actually don't feel so bad around her because I love her family so much.

Friday. Ministry night with our new church ministry. There was Joanne and Dennis - Joanne is quite pregnant and Denis constantly asked questions like 'what's it like having a new baby'. What was he thinking?
Peggy and Jacque were there with their baby who was born not long after Luca. They were only too happy to talk about babies all night. It was a nightmare.

Saturday. Party at Therase's for her birthday. Her friend Tea came with her baby Summer. We had our babies at the same time and I've seen her a couple of times since then but she's never acknowledged Luca at all. She saw me pregnant. In fact she cooked lunch for me the day Luca died (though I didn't know it yet of course). We swapped stories about our gestational diabetes. Now nothing. To top it off everyone made a huge fuss of her baby. Tea came and sat next to me with her and I had to endure 'how old is your baby?'. 'Almost six months'. Luca would have been six months old this coming wednesday. It just breaks my heart.

Sunday. Ah church. Place of so many babies. Place of so many pregnant women. Place of so many people who don't get it and say stupid things like 'don't worry, you can have another one'. I can never decide whether to not go for a while or just put up with it. In the meantime I'm not sure it's good for my emotional health. We missed church on wednesday this week to go to a community agitation meeting about a proposed 54 apartment development in our street. Otherwise wednesday night would have been more of the same.

Right. Glad that's off my chest. I'm hoping it will get easier soon. I did have a bit of a breakthrough. Therase announced her pregnancy on saturday and I felt happy for her. Yes, actual happiness! I wonder if it's a bit easier because I feel really positive about TTC this month. I haven't told anyone yet that I have a good feeling about this month. But now I've written it here so it must be true! I'd love to be pregnant with Therase. And my best friend is planning an IVF cycle soonish. I'd double love to be pregnant with her.

I've felt really ripped off about having to be pregnant again, since I thought we had completed our family, but I'm starting to feel a little better about it. I've been trying to focus more on an actual baby - a person, not a pregnancy. And thinking about friends who could be pregnant at the same time helps too.

For this entry's photo I have this to offer - my first scrapbooked page of Luca:

I apologise to all those people I scoffed at because I thought scrapbooking was stupid. The counsellor at the women's said the other day 'you need to find ways to mother your baby even though he is not here'. That is so true. I'm reading a wonderful book at the moment about maintaining a connection with someone who has died - The heart of grief: death and the search for lasting love by Thomas Attig. It is sad in a way because a lot of what he talks about is memories (it's not specific to pregnancy loss), and with a stillborn baby there are no memories of his life. But it is still really lovely and helpful.

Happiness with sad thoughts

30 June 2009

Sadness can come from the most unexpected of places. The other day I was looking through my friend's photos of her newly completed family of four and I would have been on my knees if I wasn't already sitting down. They looked gorgeous together. How I long for photos of my family of four.

We've just been on holiday in the Whitsundays for a week and I am feeling happier than I've felt since Luca died. I worry that I'll feel sad again soon enough, with 8 July coming up - the date that Luca would have been 6 months old. Last time I felt a little bit happier I told my grief counsellor that I was worried my happiness wouldn't last (it didn't - the birth of my friend's sweet little baby completely derailed me) and he said to just enjoy it while it lasts. So I'm trying to take his advice now.

Here's some holiday pictures. There's one of me smiling a real live genuine smile.

I've been reading a wonderful book 'An exact replica of a figment of my imagination'. It's a memoir written by Elizabeth McCracken whose first baby was stillborn. I finished it in one day and while I was reading it I often thought 'thank goodness someone understands'. I liked this bit:

I'm not crazy, but I'm being careful: I am not crazy, but if I'm not careful I will take a wrong step and end up in the forest.

I can so relate to that.

I ovulated yesterday and we had a few well timed BDs so here's hoping. The very thought of getting pregnant is terrifying. The thought of not getting pregnant (not so much this month, but ever) is also terrifying. I should be finished with this TTC business but I try not to let my mind go there too often, as I think it's disrespectful of our future child.

I've caught myself several times thinking of a subsequent child as 'him'. I've never allocated a sex to an as-yet-to-be-conceived baby before. I'm sure part of me thinks it will be Luca again. So I've been trying to think of our future baby. Problem is, I don't think I've ever done that before. Certainly not before I found out I was pregnant. What is there really to think about. I try to imagine having a little baby in my arms but that is too far down the track - it's a panic moment - it wont happen. So, closer in, I try to imagine being pregnant, particularly feeling the baby move. But of course baby movements are all tied up in what was and what could have been, and if only I'd gone down to emergency that day when Luca was moving less, and I try not to go there - to where all the what ifs lurk. Is there any part of pregnancy, labour or birth which is not now tainted, fraught with danger and sadness?

It took me 18 months to make him...

16 June 2009

I've really struggled to know what to say when people tell me to move on. But after having a really good friend and my dad say it in the last couple of days I've come up with:

It took almost a year for us to get pregnant and then I grew Luca inside me for almost 9 months. I can't get over losing him in five months.

But that's not really not quite right. How can I explain? I really want to be understood but the words don't come. And when they do, who's really listening?

Dad also said 'at least you've still got Eliana'. That's another favourite. I adore Eliana but I want both my children. What's hard to understand about that? He was almost here. He should be here. At least dad was talking about it and asked me some questions about how I was going etc. It was probably the most in depth talk I've ever had with him and I do really appreciate his effort. I'm trying to see other people's efforts positively, even if they seem to have forgotten or just want me to be better. It's so easy to assume the worst when I'm feeling worthless and vulnerable. I try to remind myself that I'm not the only one who has problems. I do try to focus on others and be loving and giving towards my friends and family.

The other day I had another person tell me that their pet just died so they understand what I'm going through now. Don't get me wrong, I think pets are great, but this really doesn't make me feel understood.

I'm trying to be gracious when people say the wrong thing. Grateful even. After all, I complain when people say nothing. And no one really can say the right thing because how could they honestly say 'it was all a big mistake. Here he is'.

Is there anything I can do?
Yes, you can turn back time and bring Luca back to me.
And if that isn't possible, just be on my side while I face the demons.
Molly Fumia.

So in other news, AF did come and I'm not pregnant. I know it's ridiculous to be this down about it. We've only been trying for two months. But I'm so worried it will take a year again. And my spirit is already crushed. Everybody seems to have an idea of what I should do. 'Go to my chiropractor... try my chinese herbalist... go see your GP... I know a woman who uses Brazilian herbs... there's that woman in Queensland - you should try her. And my all time favourite 'just relax'.

I wish I had some memories of Luca to keep me company during the dark times. If only I could have seen him cry, breath, open his eyes. If only he'd lived a day, an hour, even a minute. It would never have been long enough but it would have been something to go back to. And if he'd lived a while, maybe more people would understand that he was a real baby who matters to me and is bitterly missed by me.

Eliana got to meet Dorothy the Dinosaur today as part of the Red Nose Day lead up! She was pretty excited. I think she looks adorable in her little red tunic. She gave Dorothy a hug before posing for the photo. She was really very bold. I was very proud!!

I also took a cute picture of Eliana multitasking at Patrick's birthday party yesterday. A multitasking fairy!

Life goes on. Other people's that is.

13 June 2009

I'm spotting still. Expect AF tomorrow, but I always hope until she actually turns up. I feel like getting plastered if I'm not pg. I never drink to get drunk but I've been thinking that the last few days! Haven't had alcohol since I got pregnant with Luca this time last year so maybe I will have a drink.

I went to a Liz's maternity farewell afternoon tea yesterday at work. I didn't break down in public thank goodness. It was really hard though. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack when I first walked in. We have the same boss so when he was giving his farewell speech it was like de ja vu. He was giving mine in December. And I know he would have said much the same for me 'good luck with the birth. We're looking forward to seeing the baby. Enjoy your time off'. But the good luck didn't happen. I never got to show off my baby. And I haven't enjoyed my time off. I do feel like a symbol of what can go wrong too. I hope she was pleased I came, rather than reminded of what can go wrong.

Everyone said they were looking forward to me coming back, but I'm dreading it. I would love to take more time off but we can't afford it. At least the swine flu command centre has moved away from our floor. It's on the first floor now because they needed more space. Not sure if my boss is planning on me helping with it. I stupidly said 'good thanks' when he asked how I was yesterday. Now I'm worried because I want him to know that I'm not ok. I wont be just the same as ever.

I was trying to think yesterday about the progress I have made. I came up with:

• I'm not nauseous in the mornings any more. The first couple of months after Luca died I threw up sometimes in the morning and couldn't really eat much.
• I've gone into uni
• I've gone to my first maternity leave farewell
• I've gotten through my first children's birthday party
• Survived mother's day
• I don't cry myself to sleep much any more
• I don't feel like I can't breath any more
• I've almost stopped crying everytime I drop Eliana off at child care (where I should be settling Luca in now)
• I can hold babies without crying. Although I certainly feel like crying.
• I don't stare at pregnant women and babies quite so much when I'm out and about
• I don't spend hours at night any more thinking about the ways I failed Luca

But all in all the sadness is never far away. And when I wake up at night I now think about something happening to Eliana. I have these what if movies going on where she runs onto the road or I see her face down in the water at the beach. All I can really do is hope that 'this too will pass'.

Steve is umpiring today but I don't want to go. It's too cold. And I don't want to stay home - I get too sad and find it too hard with Eliana (I'm so ashamed to say that - I do love her, it's just really hard right now). I'd like to invite myself over to a friend's house but I worry these days. I think 'who would want to hang around me?'. I just want to talk about Luca, at least some of the time anyway. And people find me sad. Lately I've taken to looking at photos of myself smiling on Christmas day and thinking 'that's when I used to be happy'.

I made it

11 June 2009

I finally made it into uni today. This is a really big deal for me. My Masters is going nowhere as I always cry when I'm at home alone meant to be studying. So here I am. I'm finding it hard to be here too, but I think I'm just going through a rough patch generally. And I have actually gotten some work done.

I'm proud of myself for coming in because I find it really hard to do new things and meet new people now. A SIDS and Kids counsellor was meant to visit me at home this morning at 10am and at 10:15am I got a call to say she was sick and wasn't able to make it. Since it was getting a bit late I almost didn't bother coming to uni. And then I decided it wasn't going to get any easier if I kept putting it off. I'm so relieved I've done it.

I am dreading when I see people from my lectures last year and they ask me how the baby is, but I'll deal with that when it happens, just like I have at other places. I cried talking to Tania this morning. Poor her! We don't know each other that well. Her sons go to Eliana's childcare. She told me that her older son Henry said 'I was sad at childcare today. But Eliana helped - she gave me a toy'. Isn't that sweet? I'm proud of my little one.

Church was really hard again last night. There were three babies and two pregnant women there. This is out of only just over 20 people. And the dads of two of the babies (both born around the same time as Luca) were holding them up together to 'introduce' them to one another. I started getting teary during the singing when I could see one of them cooing away in her pram. People must think I'm an idiot. When I said to one lady later that I was a bit sad she said 'don't worry - this time next year you could have a baby in your arms'. Well yes I could and I'd be thrilled but nothing will take away the pain of losing Luca. I'm really getting 'aren't you over it yet' vibes now and it hurts so much. It really adds to the pain.

Luca was meant to complete our family and now our family will never be complete.

All sad and no one to talk to

10 June 2009

I've been finding it harder and harder to get anyone to talk about Luca or even listen to me talk about him. Even friends who used to talk a little are sick of me. I'm sorry I'm still needy. I'm sad that I'm still sad. But I just am. I should be settling my little boy into childcare. Preparing to feed him 'solids'. And all around me I have babies doing what Luca should be doing. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry. And if someone could hold me when I cry, and not turn away, that would be perfect.

I'm getting spotting again this month. It makes the 2ww shorter anyway. I don't know what to do about it. It's just over a year since the day I found out I was pregnant with Luca. I was so happy. And I was so happy during his pregnancy that I wouldn't have to worry about fertility ever again. How stupid was I?

Magical thinking

5 June 2009

Sometimes I feel like I was so close to having Luca in my arms alive and well, that surely there must be some way I could go back and retrieve him. Of course I know this is not possible but I find myself thinking it sometimes. I've come to think of it as magical thinking. Wish it was really magic.

I've been in Tassie with a girlfriend and our girls (my 3yo and her 1yo) for a week. Stupidly I booked the holiday across my fertile time. We BDed the night I got home but I had a temp rise the next day. Fertility friend has deemed it too late. I guess we'll see. I still had LP spotting last month anyway.

It's a bit deflating being at home again after being away on holiday. I'm stressed about my Masters and the house is all messy. I wanted to go to my local ABA gather and chat this morning but I just couldn't. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to love doing.

I mentioned to a counsellor yesterday that Steve is getting tired of me. She said I should write a letter to Luca telling him how good a dad Steve would have been to him, and then leave it lying around for Steve to read. I'm not too sure about the whole letter writing thing though. I don't feel that Luca knows I am doing it. I'd love to feel that he is with me in that way - watching down on me but really I don't. The best I can do is feel that I carry him in my heart and that he may cause some positive change in my life.

The counsellor got me to do a depression questionnaire. I got 26. Over 20 is depression worth worrying about. She said I should consider seeing a GP for some Zoloft (antidepressant). I don't want to mess with my body now though, not while I'm TTC. If anything happened to our next baby that I could possibly blame myself for I really couldn't live with it. My guilt over Luca is so great already.

Today I talked to my friend about her mother who is expected to die from cancer soon. I had conversations that I never would have had before losing Luca. I just wouldn't have known what to say. Not that I know now, but I know to say something and see where it leads. Last week I wrote the first poem I have written since we had to write them at school. My friend's sister Mary died a couple of years ago and it was Mary's birthday while we were away so I wrote a poem about her. I read it to my friend on Mary's birthday and it made her cry. I think she really appreciated it. The old me would definitely not have done that. So, thank you Luca, my darling boy. Whether you can 'hear' me or not, thank you for the gift you gave me in you, and the gifts you are still giving me. I hope I can be strong enough to see what they are and to use them fully.