Life after losing Luca

Remembering

2011-06-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

I am seriously embarrassed that over a year has flown by. I think about Luca a lot but somehow haven't gotten pen to paper (keyboard to screen?). Tomorrow is the SIDS and Kids remembering service (and Red Nose Day) so I've taken the day off work. Talk about mixed feelings... apprehensive but somehow looking forward to some time to think about Luca and remember. During the service they have a time where parents can go on stage and speak about their child. I'm thinking of going up and saying something but somehow nothing seems good enough.

With Eliana off to school for the first time this year I've found myself telling new people about Luca for the first time in ages - mums of other children. And it's different now. I guess I'm lighter about the whole thing. But scratch a bit deeper and I'm still missing him.

Here's pictures of the two girls for Red Nose Day...

She's here!

2010-04-05T00:53:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say that Arabella Gelsi was born safely on Good Friday, 2 April at 3:46am. She came on her own just hours before her scheduled induction. Her birth was a bit dramatic as the midwife in emergency didn't think I was in established labour. I had to go without pain relief until I started to yell - figured I better do something to get some attention. By the time they got me a room in the birth suite I was 9cm and finally got some gas. It was horrible - I've had an epidural on board by then for my other two births. I couldn't push her out fast enough for my liking!

We were so relieved she was alive and well. Steve was crying and I don't know what I was doing but remember telling everyone 'she's alive!'. Even though the birth was quick and scary (just over 2 hours) I got what I wanted in that it was very different to Luca's birth. It was noisy (his birth was so quiet), dramatic (he slipped quietly and sadly into the world without really coming into the world at all), and I delivered her kneeling. She's a sweet little thing, feeding well, waking every 1-2 hours overnight and sleeping a lot of the day.

I haven't felt upset about Luca all over again, but on the other hand I've never stopped grieving him. He is always there pulling at my heart strings as I mother him in a different way to my children here.

Waiting

2010-03-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

I'm counting down til my induction day this Friday. And hoping she'll come earlier on her own. I am suddenly amazingly in touch with my body. Where is she lying? Where is she kicking? Was that a contraction? Is there pressure down low? Lots of wishful thinking.

I am strangely calm. After a couple of really panicky days early last week I have been feeling a sense that all is right and all is well.

My ob rang today to say he wont be in the clinic on Wednesday and he will see me on Thursday to assess my preparedness for induction. It will be hard waiting an extra day but the time is passing just as it has over the rest of my pregnancy - slowly but surely. I'm keeping busy clearing out the nursery and had lots of friends over today. Tomorrow I'll go for fetal monitoring which should be reassuring and will give me a chance to ask the midwives if she's engaged at all yet.

Today Steve picked up a 'new' chest of drawers I bought on ebay. They are to put Eliana's clothes in so I can put the baby's clothes in the ones she's using now. I'm looking forward to putting our baby girl's clothes away. To being ready for her. All of a sudden it's so important to show I'm ready to have her in our lives. The hospital bags are packed. Finished in the middle of the night during one of my spurts of wishful thinking making too much of some Braxton Hicks I was having. I was excited when I started having contractions and then relieved that I felt excitement, that birth could still hold excitement for me after having to deliver Luca dead just over a year ago.

I haven't spent a lot of time imagining what it will be like with a new baby and I think I'm in for a shock. But I don't know that I'll care - just give me a live baby and I will love her, cherish her, dote on her in the way that I have Eliana and Luca, and probably more.

Anxious times

2010-02-27T02:17:00.000-08:00

On tuesday I went to the hospital for my weekly fetal monitoring. I had the CTG and everything looked fine. The midwife asked me to wait in the waiting room again for a scan to check my amniotic fluid levels. I was wondering if they had me mixed up with someone else, as I'm sure there was nothing on the request sheet my ob had given me. Eventually my turn came around and I was lying there trying not to cry. I would have asked Steve to come if I'd known I was having a scan. I really haven't been so good with ultrasounds since the one we had at 35 weeks with Luca when we found out he'd died. The lady doing the scan, who I think may have been a midwife, left the room saying she needed to get someone else to take a look. This was really not the type of de ja vu I needed. The second person confirmed that my fluid was low. They called the registrar and he said I needed a scan in the imaging centre. He asked me if there was anything other than the cholestasis that caused Luca to die. That freaked me out, especially when I read later that low fluid can be caused by chromosomal abnormality - I wondered if that's what he was checking.

I phoned Steve and asked him to come in and sat in the waiting room trying not to cry. I must have freaked him out, as I was a bit hysterical and the mobile reception in the hospital is terrible. He arrived and waited for the scan with me. An obstetrician did the scan and confirmed again than my fluid was low. They decided I needed a swab to check if my fluid was leaking. Then it got worse emotionally. Emergency asked that I be sent to the birth centre so I had to have the swab in the birth centre. I hadn't gone back there since Luca was born still there; since we said goodbye and left him in a room, walking down the hallway empty handed. And I wasn't ready to go back - I hadn't prepared at all.

Anyway my fluid wasn't leaking so that's good. I worry so much about our baby girl though. I wish she was out. I'm glad I haven't got the cholestasis yet but I really didn't need anything else to worry about. I spoke to the consultant the next day to make sure he agreed with the follow up plan. I just have no trust in the parade of strangers I saw on tuesday. Not after what happened with Luca. He did agree and he told me that the obstetrician doing the scan had looked at the kidneys and bladder and hadn't found any abnormalities. He said it was probably just one of those things.

So I'm getting checked again on Wednesday. This time I'll ask Steve if he can come for the monitoring as well as my ob visit. I think that having 35 weeks coming up, which is when Luca died, is not helping with my anxiety.

We went to a first birthday party today. The first we've been to for the babies born around the same time as Luca. It wasn't too bad, though stupidly I hadn't realised that all the other babies around that age would also be there. I was pretty much surrounded by one year olds. Luca should have been there too.

Time creeping by

2010-02-20T02:24:00.000-08:00

I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and the time is slowly creeping by. I've been telling everyone we're taking it week by week, but I think I'm just about at the taking it day by day point. I'm still healthy - no cholestasis. My ob says keep doing what you've been doing. So I am. Eating well, taking my herbs/vitamins/minerals, acupuncture, dandelion tea, exercising. If nothing else it gives me an illusion of control. And it's reassuring to know I'm doing what I can.

I'm dreading 35 weeks. That's when Luca died. I guess I assumed I wouldn't make it to 35 weeks this time - that I'd get the cholestasis early on again and need to have the baby out at 33 weeks like my ob said. I'm glad she's still on board and that she's safe but it will be hard having to go past 35 weeks. I really can't imagine going full term. Even if the cholestasis stays away I can't imagine going past 37 weeks. Actually I do imagine it but with some horror. Longing and horror. What a combination.

And then that brings me to realise that 37 weeks is only five weeks away. Only five weeks and I might be at the end of this nightmarish pregnancy. Holding my baby girl. It's hard to imagine a live baby. Sometimes I think about what it would be like but it doesn't feel like a reality, like a given, they way it did during my other pregnancies. I was looking through Eliana's new born photos yesterday remembering what it was like. There are several of Steve holding Eliana with a beautiful smile on his face. I want to see that proud dad smile on his face again soon.

Another first birthday invitation came my way this week. Reminding me that my friend and I were pregnant together. That she had a beautiful healthy baby girl and I had a dead son (though also beautiful).

Another friend who I was pregnant with came up to me at church on Wednesday night to show me her daughter's first tooth. I smiled politely but inside I was shriveling. I really struggle with the milestones of the babies born around Luca. I want to say 'go away and tell someone else'. But I don't of course. It's too hard and too painful to explain. And futile.

It seems like I haven't had an outlet for my sadness for ages. I think when it's not as raw I can keep a lid on it but it's still there, and perhaps threatening to boil over. I wonder if I could do some more scrapbooking. I kind of ran out of ideas for Luca's scrapbook and put it to the side.

I am going to a series of art therapy classes which I'm really looking forward to. It will be great to spend time again 'with' Luca and with other mothers who've lost babies and children. And support during pregnancy meetings start again this month too. It's been three months since we've been to one as they have a two month break over Christmas. It's been hard having no one to talk to who understands.

I'm getting to the point where I'm tired and emotional much of the time. I'm craving love and attention. Eliana is really quite lovely but I'm finding it hard to be around her all day. I really need time for myself. Or perhaps just less demands on me. I spent three hours in the kitchen on Friday doing the dishes and cooking a meal for our friends who were coming over. Eliana needed entertaining at the same time. I was almost in tears by the time they got here, I was so exhausted. Sometimes I just want to turn off and lie down. I want to curl up in the fetal position and go to sleep.

Meet you at the sunset - January meeting

2010-02-18T20:37:00.001-08:00

Better late than never!

The Secret Garden has changed persona to Meet you at the sunset. January's topic for blogging is:
For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your child's memory?

I've already written a little about the holiday season here. Looking back it was a time of mixed feelings. Wanting to get caught up in the Christmas spirit but really not able to carry it off. Enjoying Eliana's excitement but with an undercurrent of sadness that I could not shake - nor did I expect to. I found it challenging to acknowledge Luca in public. I just couldn't risk it emotionally. Although I would have loved some support from others it seemed better to keep my thoughts to myself. Safer. We had some memorial candles from the Christmas service at Mercy Grief Services. I took one of them with us on Christmas day but only lit it at the first out of the three places we went that day. We did hang special ornaments on our Christmas tree. Some we'd made at a SANDS Christmas meeting and some we'd made at the Christmas service. That was nice because Eliana, Steve and I all had a chance to make something. Mum gave us a silver heart too. I can't say I was thinking about Luca's first Christmas while I was pregnant with him. He was due in February. But as with all special occasions since he died it seems that the happier I am meant to be, the more I feel his loss.

Struggling along

2010-01-24T01:50:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling these days. Tired all the time. Dispirited. I'm 28 weeks pregnant now. I was 29 weeks when the itching started with Luca. The beginning of the end. I'm trying to see this as a good thing - I haven't gotten the cholestasis any earlier. My baby girl is still safe. But really I'm anxious. And drowning in the memories. If we make it to 35 weeks, which is when Luca died, I'm going to be a basket case.

I've started having weekly liver function and bile acid tests. I realised after the first two that they weren't going to be reassuring if I didn't know the results. I don't trust the hospital to tell me, after what happened with Luca. So I text messaged my ob to ask. Bile acids were only 2.4 on Wednesday which is ridiculously normal. My baby girl is safe. She's safe. That's what I keep telling myself.

My ob said I could go in for weekly monitoring on the CTG and I said no. Now I'm worried that if something goes wrong I'll regret that decision. There is no benefit to the monitoring but still I worry. Every decision or lack of decision could mean something. I know this too well from Luca's pregnancy. How many times have I gone over every little thing that I did or didn't do that could have made a difference? I never want to do that again.

Most of the time I can tell myself that everything will be ok this time. Our baby will be born alive; will cry; will have her first feed. But deeper down lurk the doubts. It happened once, it can happen again. I never know what to say when people say 'you'll be right this time'. At first I told people that actually the condition I had with Luca recurs and I had it will Eliana and I'll probably get it again. But I just can't be bothered anymore. Even if it turns out alright this time, if we get our baby out alive, will it ever be alright? We'll never have our son with us. A lifetime of missing stretches ahead of me.

Today Eliana went to a new class at church. The teachers got each child to stand up and tell their name, their brothers and sisters, their parent's names and what they've done on the holidays. My friend who takes the class said that Eliana got up and said her name and then said she has a brother Luca who's dead; her mummy's name is Rebecca, her daddy's name is Steve, and mummy is having a baby girl; and she spent the holidays hanging out with mummy and daddy. I got all teary hearing that she talked about Luca. She should be saying that she has a brother named Luca. Full stop. He should be here. Her little brother.

Luca's birthday

2010-01-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

Luca's birthday finally came around. 8 January 2009.

The 8th of January 2010 was, in a way, not as bad as the days before it. After all, by the day he was born the tragedy had already happened. The day of his birth I birthed him, held him. Though it was also the day we said goodbye to him. As 7pm came around I reminded Steve that it was about that time last year that we were walking empty handed out of the hospital.

In the morning we bought coffee and cake in Acland Street and had it in the St Kilda Community Vegie Garden which is a lovely spot. My mum and sister joined us. No one talked about Luca, but neither did they say anything hurtful. Mum gave us a cross stitch she'd done for him. In the afternoon at home Steve brought out Luca's photo album and we sat and looked through it together. He always joins me on the couch when he sees me looking through it but I can't recall him getting it out before, so that was really sweet. That evening we went to a friend's house and they cooked dinner for us, prayed with us, gave us flowers, and were just so supportive.

Since then I've been feeling very tired and flat. And anxious about our little girl. Having all my memories of Luca's last days refreshed reminded me that my body kills babies. Still no itching though, and I've made it to the third trimester. I'm even thinking about making a start on the nursery.

I keep meaning to write a poem for Luca but I can't get past the title. Without.

Luca's memorial garden is flourishing

Sunflowers at the St Kilda Community Garden (Luca means light)

Standing in Luca's garden with our baby girl on board.

Eliana holding the balloon from Luca's funeral which we inflated again.

The dreaded week

2010-01-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

A year ago on Tuesday I was in the hospital getting blood tests and thinking about going to emergency as Luca hadn't been moving as much. But I didn't. A year ago yesterday I felt Luca move for the last time at about 4pm. As usual I was awake for most of the night itching, and I was worried about him but still didn't do anything. A year ago today we found out he'd died... saw his unbeating heart filling the big screen in the ultrasound room. Back through the antenatal waiting room to fill in the forms for induction the next day. A year ago tomorrow he was born spontaneously at 6:30am. Perfect in every way except he didn't come out soon enough.

So it's been a hard year. A really hard year. And after a year to reflect, I still think he would be here with us if only I had looked after him properly. We would have had his first Christmas, perhaps a party for his 1st birthday, blissfully unaware that our baby could die. After all, doesn't that happen to Other People? Well, now it's happened to me. And people say that good things come from it. But I can't think of anything I wouldn't give up in an instant to have Luca in my arms where he belongs.

Here's a picture of his mulberry tree at my dad's house. A beautiful living memorial, but flourishing and reminding me that he should be flourishing.

Christmas spirit

2009-12-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

So I got through Christmas with my sanity intact. Another milestone.

My Christmas gift was viability as I was 24 weeks on Christmas Eve. It's good to know that if we have to get our baby girl out she has some chance at life from now on. And every week is now a bonus. Of course I'd like a full term baby with a spontaneous labour, but I want a live baby more.

Luca was the elephant in the room at all my family's celebrations. I mentioned him a couple of times but got deflected. No one brought him up and everyone gushed about my pregnancy as if pregnancy is just the same for me now. Still, it's nice to have people excited I guess.

Today we are off to do it all again with Steve's family in Shepparton. And then camping which I am hoping will be nice and relaxing. All the time it's creeping closer to Luca's birthday on January 8. I should be planning presents and a cake; anticipating a joyful celebration as our baby Luca turns one. Instead there's just a heavy sense of dread. And loss. And without.

I was having a cry looking through Luca's photos last night. It's a confusing thought to realise that we wouldn't be expecting a baby girl now if he had lived. As much as I want him here, I couldn't wish her away.

Eliana has been a delight the whole Christmas season. She has adored the local carols by candlelight, visiting Santa in the city square, doing her advent calendar, going to look at Christmas light displays, and presents of course. One of the pieces of advice I read on coping with Christmas was to remember that happiness can exist alongside sadness. Eliana has helped me with that, with her enthusiasm and joy over the celebrations.

Girly bits

2009-12-04T17:46:00.001-08:00

We had the 20 week ultrasound and we're having a baby girl. It was very emotional finding out. Steve and I both cried. Later as we had a debrief in the coffee shop I said to Steve 'A girl. That's good isn't it?'. He got teary and said 'There's not going to be a boy'. It broke my heart. I was hoping for a boy too, as I don't want to have taken away Steve's only boy. On the other hand it makes Luca all that more special. Our son. Our only son. I think we're both grieving for him all over again. Not that I stopped, but it's fresher again.

I told Steve that when we found out Luca was a boy I was disappointed because I wanted a girl - it took me a couple of months at least to start looking forward to our son. Whether Steve's grieving Luca or the loss of a boy in our family, he needs permission to grieve.

It's hard because it seems that you are not meant to talk about having a preference. Even my SIDS and Kids counsellor said 'well, as long as it's healthy'. Ah yes, I already realise that's what I'm supposed to say. And I know we'll adore our baby girl. But I need to be able to talk to someone about losing Steve's only boy. My only boy. Our only boy.

I went op shopping and bought some baby girl clothes. It did help, just as buying baby boy clothes helped when I found we were having a boy last time. I do have thoughts of 'will I ever need these?' but I'm trying to hope.

In other news, I started itching a couple of weeks ago. I was beside myself. Last time I got the cholestasis at 29 weeks and our son died. Here I was at 19 weeks itching. The weather cooled down but the itch stayed. It spread. No rashes or anything - seemed like cholestasis to me. I asked for prayers at church and it went away a couple of days later. I'm so relieved. Still feel like a time bomb waiting for it to start again though.

Secret garden meeting October

2009-11-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

This month's meeting (well, last month's now... I'm a bit slow) is about where we are at in our grief.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 10 months since I let my baby boy slip away from us when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I don't really know where I am. I have mostly good days. I'm a happy person. But I still look back; still feel terribly guilty about letting Luca die; and I really really miss him.

My friend was throwing her smiling baby up in the air last night and said to me 'Isn't six months just the best age?'. And I don't know if I even answered. That sums it up really. I should have a baby and I don't. I should be able to answer that question.

The other babies born around the same time as Luca are starting to have their first birthdays. They are adorable. Full of life. Their mums have expressions of joy and pride on their faces when they play with them. Nurturing, caring. I have a rather unattractive urn with some ashes in it. There is almost no part of my life that is not tinged with sadness. Steve and I went away on the weekend for our 6 year wedding anniversary. We had a great weekend but some of the only photos I have of me during Luca's pregnancy from our weekend away last year. I couldn't help but remember that a year ago we were looking forward to welcoming our little boy into our family.

Hope for the future? I'm 17 weeks pregnant so I do have a lot of hope pinned on this baby. Depends which day you ask me. A little three year old friend asked me yesterday if this baby will die too. And the best I could manage was 'I hope not'. Because that's all there is really. I had a maternal condition with Luca that I also had with our first and will probably get again. And even without that, the certainty of a live baby is lost forever to me now. And the future will never be completely right - I will always have one child missing and will always have the burden of knowing that I failed him and our family.

I don't think I've found peace. I think I've found acceptance. Sort of. But not peace. I hope that in the future I can let go of some of the guilt I feel. I hope I don't have to continually regret things I did and didn't do during Luca's pregnancy. I try to remind myself that there is no other evidence that I'm a bad mum. That I would have loved him more and more; that I love my daughter and am a good mother to her. I hope I don't always feel like a failure.

Consternation

2009-10-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling emotionally. People keep saying 'you look great'. Which is lovely of course. Wish I felt great though. Physically I'm good - I've got my energy back. Although, my shoulders are hopelessly tight and my back aches a bit - could be stress, could be sitting at my computer all week.

I've had this week off work to write up my masters thesis. It's going pretty well. I just can't wait to hand it in. I'm hoping having more spare time on my hands will help me deal with my anxiety. And we're going away next weekend with some friends and the weekend after just Steve and I for our 6 year anniversary. It's lovely to have that to look forward to.

I've had a couple of dreams about my baby dying. They were awful obviously. The first time I got up as it was morning. It was a work day but I just sat on the couch rocking back and forth. Of course I eventually got going but it was really hard to pull myself together again.

I've had so little time to deal with my grief over Luca lately. Every now and then it creeps up on me and I think it's also sitting in the background, not as resolved as it was when I was working on it more. I'm looking forward to getting back to his scrapbook. His garden is lovely at the moment. The rose bushes are starting to flower - we have a just joey and it has had the most enormous flowers on it. And there are lots of other flowers bobbing around in the breeze, attracting bees and butterflies.

Steve is away this weekend for a boys weekend, and from Monday to Wednesday for work. I'm worried a bit. I need to know someone is here looking after me. It's not like he's constantly doing things for me or anything, but I know that he's here if I lose it.

I got my first one year old birthday invitation for one of the same crop of babies as Luca the other day. Going is completely out of the question. I think it will be a long time before I can attend their birthdays, these babies whose mummies were pregnant with me. It's still hard to be around them at all. I make myself do it because I don't want to miss out on my friends and their families, but it's still hard. The constant reminder. They are all starting to crawl and pull themselves up on furniture now. Would Luca be doing that? Would he be like his big sister - walking late but one day getting up and walking for the first time steady and confident. Or would he be a typical boy - crawling and walking early and into everything? I will never know because he's my missing child.

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

2009-09-29T00:35:00.000-07:00

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

I have tried many things to help me along my grief journey. Just some that I can think of now are:

Reading books
Attending support groups (SIDS and Kids, SANDS, and one at the hospital)
Seeing a grief counsellor
Seeing an energy healer
Seeing a psychologist (actually 3)
Journaling
Planting and tending a garden for Luca
Planting a tree for Luca at my dad's rural property
Spending 'time' with Luca - looking through his photos, listening to music, scrapbooking
Lighting a candle at dinner from time to time
Online support forums
Belly dancing
Yoga
Buying a ring to remember him by
Attending memorial services for those whose babies have died
Talking about Luca, sharing his story with anyone who would listen.

When people have asked me does (... going to the group, reading x book, seeing a counsellor etc...) help?, I have always said 'Everything helps a little bit'. I guess that's why I wanted to share a list. The combination of all those things has helped me through.

The best things have been:

Staying home for 8 months on my maternity leave. Even though I was shattered that my leave wasn't as it should be, I was very glad to have that time to grieve. Steve also stayed home for 3 months after Luca was born, using his long service leave. That was wonderful. He took me to appointments, shared looking after Eliana, was great company etc etc. Having him around really helped me get through those days when I didn't even want to put one foot in front of another.

SIDS and Kids have been a life line for me. I have been to three different support groups there - hope and healing, for those who have lost babies after 20 weeks of gestation; subsequent pregnancy, for those who are thinking about or are trying to conceive; and support during pregnancy for those who have conceived. It's been so good to talk to others and Steve comes too which is great because we get to find out what each other is thinking! I've also attended a SIDS and Kids playgroup, a nurturing day, and talked to one of their counsellors.

Scrapbooking. I used to scoff at people who did scrapbooking. I thought it was terribly daggy. But I love scrapbooking for Luca. It's like spending time with him. Making something beautiful out of something sad. And I guess a way to express how I feel about him too. Planting a garden for him at home and a mulberry tree for him at my dad's house have been good for similar reasons - the remembering and doing something for him.

Reading books. Books have been a life line to me. Especially early on when everything felt like a mammoth effort - I didn't really have to do much to read a book. Order it on the internet, wait for it to arrive, and inhale it, hoping for some comfort. Some books I would recommend are:

Empty cradle broken heart by Deborah Davis - this book was just perfect. It explained and comforted.
When a baby dies by Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley - this book is published by SANDS UK and really explains what happens when you are grieving. It made me realise I wasn't the only person this had ever happened to.
Our babies have died by SANDS Victoria - this is a book of stories written by bereaved parents, talking about their loss and their grief.
An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: A memoir by Elizabeth McCracken - this is one woman's story of the loss of her first child.
Safe passage by Molly Fumia - this is a book of sayings to help you through grief.
Overcoming grief by Sue Morris - this is a self help type book that uses cognitive behaviour therapy exercises to help you come to terms with your loss.

Hope this helps someone else get through this heart wrenching time too.

Mixed feelings swirling around

2009-09-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

I have this strange new feeling of blogger's block. Like I feel all kinds of things but I can't explain or even identify them. I've been feeling anxious for weeks. There's no one thing in particular but it's just there in the background. Maybe it's just the 3rd trimester creeping closer. I'm more excited because it looks like this baby is hanging around, but more anxious because the bad time is coming.

My GP recalled me to discuss my blood test results this week. I had to wait days for an appointment and I was trying not to worry. It turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is low which can indicate a maternal condition of pregnancy. I just need to get retested in a month so that's not too bad, but I'm worried about it anyway. In Eliana's pregnancy I had PUPPPS and obstetric cholestasis. In Luca's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis. Maternal conditions seem to flock to me. I feel like a living bomb which could go off at any minute. Just trying not to think too far ahead.

I'm still lying awake at night for hours at a time thinking things over. Last night I wrote a book about Luca for Eliana. Just in my head. I'm going to write the words on the computer, print them out and get her to decorate it. She loves craft projects.

I have my 12 week scan on friday. I've never had this one before. I thought it would mean I had one less thing to worry about, but at least until I have it and get the results, it's just one more thing to worry about.

I've got a decent sized belly now, at 11 weeks. Worthwhile putting up a picture of! I am quite pleased to have a growing bump. Trying to focus on that feeling!

I told people at work that I'm pregnant this week. Which is good because although I was dreading it, it wasn't that bad and now I don't have to hide my growing belly. I guess I was worried that people would be all excited and I wouldn't be able to cope with their reactions. But I did ok. I feel like telling people to get excited after the baby's here. But on the other hand, it makes me feel happy and loved when people are excited for me. People are making extra fuss about my pregnancy because of Luca, but because of Luca the fuss is hard. Pregnancy is just not the same any more. It's a real innocence lost. I've lost that feeling of basking in pregnancy - I was always so proud to be pregnant. But then I let Luca die and I really don't feel so clever anymore.

In the meantime, all the babies born around Luca's birthday continue to grow, getting cuter, doing more. Doing anything other than being a pile of ashes in a little urn really. And his birthday is sneaking up on me. Foolish to think about it already I guess, but I can't seem to help it.

I have a new bling ring to remember Luca by!!

2009-09-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've been flat out. I love writing in my blog though so here I am, escaping from logistic regression.

It's the first really warm day of spring here today - 29 degrees. I took my work outside earlier but most of it has to be done on the computer. Still, it's windy outside and the warm breeze is surrounding me (along with all the pieces of paper flying around the house).

My scan went well. The baby is in the right spot and has a heart beat. There wasn't much to see - just a few pixels moving. I was beginning to worry the ultrasonographer was going to say 'I'm sorry, there's nothing there'. I was pleased but no more than that really. It's still early days and I'm hoping my excitement will grow, but perhaps it will be missing for my whole pregnancy. And I didn't fall apart in the ultrasound room. It probably helped that it was in an area of the hospital I've not been in before, so it didn't have that connection to Luca's pregnancy. I got told to say I was there for the viability scan. Honestly, where do they come up with these heartless terms? Senile gravida, products of conception, fetal death in utero, viability.

They asked me if I wanted to come back next week. If you could keep babies alive by having lots of ultrasounds, I would, but you can't so I'm going to wait until 12 weeks. And then until 20 weeks if nothing goes wrong. After that who knows really. Tiger territory my consultant called it. My feet were itching in bed last night. Surely I can't have the cholestasis this early. I'm trying to pretend I didn't notice it at the moment. It will become much more obvious if it really is cholestasis. I spent hours awake last night. Thinking, thinking. Imagining possible conversations and scenarios if this should go wrong, that should go wrong. I should get up if I'm awake for over an hour, but I know that will remind me of nights spent in the lounge room during Luca's pregnancy, when I was itching too much to sleep. It always felt like time spent with him.

Eliana wore undies at childcare on friday and apparently only had one accident! She'll be four soon, so I've been beginning to wonder if it will ever happen. She had two accidents and no successes at home this morning but I don't really mind - she still wanted undies on and was terribly proud of them. Steve didn't want to take her in undies to the footy so we compromised and put her in a pull up. She also had her hair in plaits for the first time today. She's always refused to have her hair tied up but somehow I managed to talk her into it the other day. So a very different look today!

I bought a ring to remember Luca by. I bought it on ebay and I was a bit worried it wouldn't be what I was after, but I absolutely love it, and it fits! His name means light so I've been looking for a citrine. I thought it would look a bit like the sun. Citrine is also meant to have healing properties and is meant to bring happiness, joy and optimism into your life. It is meant to embody sun energy. So, perfect, really. Here it is....

I'm not feeling as tired any more which is great. My belly is growing fast. For 9 weeks it's positively massive. I can't believe people haven't noticed. Or perhaps they have... not many people are game to ask a woman if she's pregnant, and probably less so me! I have the week off work next week to get lots of my thesis done. So I guess I'll tell people at work that I'm pregnant the week after, when I'm in next.

And here's some photos of Eliana in Luca's garden. Well, you can't see much of the garden, but the purple flowers were picked on it. They are in a vase on the kitchen bench now.

To all the fathers...

2009-09-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

To all the fathers of children on earth and of children no longer with you, I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of the fathers you are regardless of whether your children are with you or not. Being a mother to a child who has died is hard... surely being a father to a child who has died is hard too, even when you keep your thoughts to yourself.

And for those of you with no living children, I'm thinking of the fathers you would have been if your children were living today. The dreams you had, unrealised. The questions of what you were going to do with a baby, unanswered. But also the fathers you still are, in a different, unchosen, way.

And to my own darling husband, Steve, I'm thinking of the beautiful father you are to our daughter, and the way you have come to terms with losing Luca, without losing your love for him.

Here's the picture I'm going to put on your Fathers Day card with the words 'May our family always be planted and tended with love'.

Steve and Eliana planting Luca's memorial garden

Would hope please spring?

2009-09-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

First day of spring! I'm dying for the weather to warm up. I have this fantasy that my mood will improve as winter turns to spring.

I've been feeling crampy for a few days. Nothing much... just enough to make me anxious. I'm really looking forward to my scan on Thursday, but worried as well. This will be the first scan I've had since the one where we found out Luca had died at 35 weeks. In the early days I spent many wakeful nights replaying the part where I saw his unbeating heart on the big screen. The ultrasonographer's words echoed in my head 'there's the heart but unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately no heart beat. Unfortunately - doesn't really express the horror does it?

So I'm not just anxious about the baby being ok. I'm anxious about having a scan at all. How will I make myself enter the room? Lie down? Open my eyes to look?

I can't believe how tired I am. I've been absolutely useless. Spent all weekend doing my masters project and now I want my weekend but it's time to go to work. And I'm just on the edge of crying a lot of the time. I like to think I've got it all together but just scratch the surface and I'll fall apart. Steve just yelled because he sat on a pen sticking out of the couch and I started crying. Talk about fragile.

My grief counsellor suggested that I write to Luca and tell him what I would have been doing with him now. I said it sounded like torture but on friday night I did sit in his garden and think about how if he was here it wouldn't be Steve picking up Eliana from child care. It would be me picking up Luca and Eliana because Luca would need his breastfeed. I would be doing what I did for Eliana when she first started child care - feeding him before we left for home. I would have been pleased to see him every time I picked him up, just like I'm pleased to see Eliana.

I'm trying a new counsellor tomorrow night, after getting my mental health plan reviewed at my GP. I don't know what I'll tell her, starting from scratch so far down the track. I'm really hoping she can help me reach a place where I am no longer thinking all the time of what I should have done or what the hospital should have done. It just doesn't do me any good but I've tried so hard to let go of even some of it and I just haven't gotten very far. I try not to spend too much time in the past but it's so hard. In the past lies Luca. What could have been, what should have been. In the present lies my lovely daughter and my husband. In the future, hopefully, another baby. The one who would not have been. I read a lovely poem that finished with the thought that another child wouldn't be born if his or her mother didn't have the strength and the love to try again. But I don't feel very strong really. Crushed, yes. Unsure of myself, yes. Strong, no, not really.

Secret Garden meeting for August

2009-08-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into their room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We had barely started preparing Luca's room when he died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. We were the same with our daughter. Her room was finished a couple of months after she came home. But there was no after for Luca. Our office was to become Luca's room. I had set up a new nappy change table and had his clothes ready in size order. I'd moved enormous piles of papers from the desk ready to dismantle it. His cot was still behind our daughter's wardrobe and under her bed. I had been putting Eliana's baby toys away over the months I was pregnant so they wouldn't be 'hers' when the baby came. I hadn't bought many clothes because my sister had a baby son who was six months old at the time and I knew she would pass his clothes on. I had not yet called in all my lent out baby items from Eliana and afterwards I wished I had, even though I didn't need them.

When Luca died I regretted not having finished his room. I think I would have liked somewhere to go and cry. Coming home without our beautiful baby boy was so difficult in so many ways. His things were all over the house - everywhere I looked there were reminders of the baby I should have with me. Even my own still swollen belly and my empty breasts were cruel reminders that I carried to every room in the house.

I packed away his change table a few weeks later, crying all the while. I packed away his clothes. I went through the clothes friends had lent us and returned them which was very difficult. Even packing away my maternity clothes was difficult. Months later friends still returned bits and pieces of my maternity wardrobe and I had to face the packing away over and over again.

Now I find the room very sad and I don't know how I will rid it of that melancholy feeling before our next baby is born. It has become the room where the junk goes. Spare wall insulation, appliances that don't fit in the kitchen, and all the other assorted debris of life, all the things we want to keep out of sight. When Luca first died I had plans to turn it into a guest room so that we didn't have the reminder of a nothing-room in the house, but I never did find the energy.

Now I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Getting the room ready for our new baby is not really on my mind at all yet. I finish my Masters research project at the end of October. I guess I'm thinking I'll do something about it after that, but honestly I don't know if I will be able to get the room ready until we have the baby safely home. Maybe Steve will help get me started. We'll find out whether we're having a boy or a girl and that might help me plan and imagine. Maybe I will find the hope in my heart to paint and clean and prepare.

A sister is a girl baby

2009-08-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Six weeks today! Hang in there little one.

Had my first appointment at the hospital yesterday. I thought I was doing ok until afterwards when I booked my next appointment (for when I'll be 12 weeks) the lady at reception gave me my appointment card. I started weeping. I spent a lot of time looking at Luca's card after he died - wishing I hadn't postponed appointments, thinking how few I'd had, thinking about the timing of the ones I had, and what if, always what if. Then I put it away. Now I have a new card, a new pregnancy, and my pregnancy with Luca is haunting me. I suppose the new card should be a sign of a fresh start - I will not make the mistakes I made last time and this time I will receive proper maternity care.

The consultant was really good. He acknowledged that it was hard for me to return to the hospital and said that if I find it hard to wait in the waiting room I can announce myself on arrival and go sit in the cafe downstairs, waiting for someone to text me. He explained how to contact the day unit if I want any fetal monitoring and how to contact him at any time. He's going to provide my pregnancy care himself. The only thing is, I'm so cynical now that I wonder if he is worried about me suing the hospital - it really was pretty over the top. My friend Lou says maybe he just feels for me. She's probably right.

I have a scan booked in for 3 September when I'll almost be 8 weeks. So that's another little milestone to get to. My consultant says not to look too far ahead, to make it to each goal eg 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan... just looking to the next one.

I'm going to have the down syndrome screening this time. I didn't with Eliana or Luca but my whole outlook on pregnancy has changed now. We probably wouldn't go on to have a diagnostic test and definitely wouldn't terminate but I'm hoping I'll get a low risk result on the screening and it will just be one less thing to worry about during my pregnancy.

I told my boss I'm pregnant. He was quite nice about it really, although I had to chuckle at him trying to give me advice... 'what you have to do is not panic and don't get all anxious about it'. Right. I'll be sure to do that! I'm going to keep the news from most of my workmates until after 12 weeks if I can. I just can't deal with their reactions right now. They'll be all happy and want to talk about it, and barely any of them have mentioned Luca - I just don't know how I'll bear it. Although I think I'm already getting a belly (is that even possible?) so I don't know how I go. I think they are pretty familiar with my maternity wardrobe by now. I put photos of Luca up at my desk when I went back to work a few weeks ago - nothing too offensive - just one of his hand holding mine and one of the four of us, in which he is quite small. Yesterday was the first time someone commented on them. Natalie who works in another section said they were beautiful and asked to see more. She completely made my day.

Eliana is sweet talking about my pregnancy 'who will it be?' she says. The other day she said 'Are you having a baby mummy?'. 'Yes'. 'Why?' 'Because we want a little baby here with us. Do you want a little brother or sister?'. Eliana misinterpreted and thought I was asking which she would like. 'A sister' she said, 'a sister is a girl baby'.

I found out today that my mum's been telling her friends about my pregnancy (one of them congratulated me when she answered the phone). I was really touched. Mum plays her cards pretty close to her chest. My friend was telling me that she saw mum the other day and said to her 'Hopefully they'll be lucky this time' and mum said 'They've already been lucky twice'. My friend was sorry she put her foot in it but I'm not sorry - I would never have known mum thought that otherwise. It brings tears to my eyes writing about it.

One of my very best friends rang to tell me that she's pregnant the other night. 6 weeks, so we're almost the same. I'm so thrilled. If you had of asked me during Luca's pregnancy whether Andrea and I would ever be pregnant together I would have said 'of course not'. I was completing my family and she wasn't ready for another one yet. But here we are pregnant together after all. They used IVF last time and were just getting ready to do it again when she fell pregnant naturally so it's just fantastic news.

So that's four good friends that I'm pregnant with. Even though I found it hard to see my friends go on and have their healthy babies last time I wouldn't wish away the times we spent talking about our pregnancies, planning how we'd spend our maternity leave together, complaining, dreaming, hoping. I think it's a really special aspect to being pregnant. It will be even better if my baby gets to grow up with the others this time.

Plodding along

2009-08-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm now 5 weeks pregnant. The last 3 weeks have crept along very slowly but the best I can do is keep telling myself time will pass. I found out another friend is pregnant so that will be exciting - that's two people I can share this journey with. I loved sharing Luca's pregnancy with my friends who were also pregnant but afterwards it was one of the very most difficult parts of his loss - they all went on to take home their healthy babies and it still reminds me almost every day that I don't have mine. It is some consolation being able to share this next journey with people who I would not have shared a pregnancy with.

Today I went to visit a friend with a new baby in hospital for the first time since Luca died. It was at Frances Perry, so I had to go to the Women's to visit. It was pretty hard. She had a room full of excited visitors and I had to pretend I was ok in front of all of them. There was all that we missed out on - obviously a beautiful living baby, breastfeeding, the Child health record, flowers, congratulations cards, gifts, joyful friends and relatives, beaming parents, exclamations of 'well done - I knew you could do it', talk of first poos, going home, plans for the future. Just when I was managing well one of her friends arrived with her 7 month old daughter. I'm meant to have a 7 month old son so it was hard to sit right next to this gorgeous little thing who was smiling and reaching out her hands, and her mum who was obviously besottled. Then the talk about how well she was doing, how much fun she was. And worst of all I couldn't say anything about my loss as I didn't know most people there - I felt so alone.

My grief counsellor gave me some homework so I thought I'd do it here. We were talking about the very strong guilt I still feel. It has gotten worse since I've been pregnant, and once again I've been lying awake for hours at night thinking things over. He said that I'm my own judge and the prosecution has made its case but the defense hasn't been heard so here goes...

For the Prosecution

I didn't do anything when I felt Luca move less in the days before he died, even though I'd been told at two appointments to report any lack of movement.
I was in the hospital the day before he died getting a blood test and I thought about going to ED to get him checked but I had Eliana with me and I decided not to make a fuss.
I didn't ask to be put on the urso. I didn't want to make a fuss.
I asked to switch from obstetrician care to midwife care so that I wouldn't get into work at midday every time I had an appointment. I put my work (or what my boss thought of me) before my baby.
I should have called to check my bile acid results.
I am too laid back and didn't take the cholestasis seriously enough.
I knew all about the cholestasis, having had it with Eliana.
After Eliana's birth I saw a gastroenterologist and a hepatologist. They told me that if it happened in another pregnancy I should take urso, but I still didn't ask for it.
I failed the glucose test but when I got the letter with the result I phoned up and cancelled the follow up test because it was on a work day and I'd only failed by a tiny amount. I later rebooked it but it meant I was diagnosed weeks later. If I had been diagnosed earlier (ie hadn't cancelled the test) I would have been under high risk care and would probably have gotten the treatment I should have for the cholestasis.

For the Defence

I thought Luca's movements were slowing down because he was getting ready to be born. The day he stopped moving I didn't want to wake Steve and Eliana up in the middle of the night to do anything about it.
I hoped he would be ok.
I was tired from the itching after I got the cholestasis, living on only a few hours sleep a night.
Steve wasn't helping around the house towards the end of last year despite my pleading, and I was doing two subjects for my masters and working. I was just beside myself. He also took no role in the antenatal decisions (or lack of decisions) that I made.
I had the guidelines for obstetric cholestasis from the prestigious UK Royal College of Obstetricians and they say that none of the drugs are effective in treating cholestasis. I didn't realise that that's not true and that they do prescribe urso in the UK.
Babies don't usually die from cholestasis before 37 weeks. The physician I saw was talking about my being induced in week 35 and I thought that would be enough. Luca died too soon.
The physician and midwives I saw after being diagnosed should have referred me to an obstetrician and put me on the urso. The physician told me he was going to talk to an obstetrician about my case to come up with a plan but no one can tell me whether that happened.
Someone should have called me when my bile acids were 154 (normal is under 23, above 40 is considered severe and very likely to harm the baby).
I didn't call that night because I thought they took longer to come back. The next day Luca died and it was too late.
I had a couple of experiences earlier on in my antenatal care that put me off making a fuss. The first was when I tried to refuse the HIV test and the midwife went and got an obstetrician who signed the form for me to have it anyway even though I was still saying I didn't want it. The second was when I asked for baseline LFTs at 17 weeks - the midwife went and asked an obstetrician and then said they couldn't do it - it wasn't in the guidelines.
That also gave me the impression that there were guidelines. I later found out there were none. I was putting my confidence in the staff following guidelines that didn't exist.
I just didn't think my baby would die.
I had the cholestasis with Eliana and she was ok.
I loved Luca and would have loved him even more as I got to know him. I would have done anything to stop him from dying if I'd known. I would have done all the things I wish I had done, and more.
I am a good mother to Eliana. Even though I feel like a failure and a bad mum, there is no evidence that this is true for my living child.

Evidence that I loved my son can be seen in the things I've done for him since he died:

I rang a funeral director and organised his funeral.
I phoned my friends and relatives to let them know he died.
I spoke at his funeral.
I have grieved, and continue to grieve deeply for him.
I love to talk about him.

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

2009-08-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have them with you?

I don't really imagine Luca. I still yearn for him when I see the babies in my life that were born around the same time, but I don't have an image of what he would look like. Many of my friends at church said 'he's in heaven now' as an attempt to take away my sadness. At first this was no comfort at all, but 7 months up the track it is bringing me some comfort to think of him as alive there, and to think that Steve and I created him in love.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

My birth plan this time is going to be one word - alive. Sadly I didn't get the treatment I needed last pregnancy even though I had a diagnosed maternal condition. It will probably recur so the consultant I saw after Luca died said if it does I could deliver by caesarian at 33 weeks. Luca died at 35 weeks. Frankly this scares me. And it would be a shame to have a caesarian after two vaginal births, but I will do whatever it takes to get this baby into the world safely. Just as I would have for Luca if only I'd known what lay ahead.

Pregnant - oh yes, oh no

2009-08-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

7 August 2009

I'm pregnant! I found out on Tuesday. One line appeared on the stick and I thought - 'I knew it, I'm not pregnant'. And then straight after that the other line appeared. Clear as a bell on day 25 of my cycle. I was happy and excited but I did have a teary in the shower remembering finding out about Luca's pregnancy, not so long ago. Then I went and told Steve and he seemed really happy, though he hasn't mentioned it since. Mum bought me flowers. Dad said 'hopefully you'll have better luck this time'.

So I'll be four weeks tomorrow but I can't stop telling people. I figure if I could get through telling people my baby died when I was 35 weeks pregnant, then if I have a miscarriage I can get through telling people about that too.

We planted a tree for Luca on the weekend at Dad's property in Araleun. It was really special.

I'm going to the doctor to get another mental health plan next week, so that I can get a medicare rebate on counseling. I really feel like I still need to deal with particularly my guilt, and less so my anger.

There's a memorial service on at the Women's on monday and I'm really hoping that will help me heal my feelings towards the hospital a bit. I'm taking part in the ceremony too. At the moment I just don't know how I'm going to be able to endure getting my antenatal care there again. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks. It is very different when you have had a baby die. With Luca my first appointment was at 17 weeks, even though Eliana's pregnancy had been high risk. This time it is at 6 weeks.

My friend Mel made the sweetest offer when I told her I was pregnant. We had lunch on Thursday. She's 39 weeks pregnant. She said that if I wanted to see her obstetrician during my pregnancy she would pay the $5000 for me. I burst into tears I was so touched by her offer. In a cafe! I wouldn't dream of taking her up on it but it was just so sweet of her.

I went back to work this week. The first day was hard but ok. Same with the second day. Most people pretended that nothing had happened or said stupid things like 'at least you have your daughter' or 'at least you can get pregnant' but I was expecting that and although it was hard, it was manageable. After all, I've been through that already with so many of the other people in my life.

Today, however, was a nightmare. Hazel who I work with closely hadn't been told that my baby died. She doesn't work in our office - she's a consultant - but neither my boss nor the person filling in during my maternity leave had bothered to tell her. I was heartbroken when she sent me a very cheery email welcoming me back to work. When I wrote back saying it was hard going back to work from maternity leave without a baby she replied saying she hadn't known. I told my boss that it had upset me which made me feel even worse because he was very insensitive about it. He's said all of three sentences to me since I've been back. So now I seriously want to run away and never go back. I can't stop crying about how horrible work was and it's stolen my pregnancy joy.

You are not meant to go back to work from maternity leave without a baby. It's just not right. One of my workmates introduced me around the new people 'this is Rebecca. She's been on maternity leave'. I was waiting for one of them to say 'what did you have?'. But then even worse - after a few people she changed it to 'this is Rebecca. She's been on um... long leave'.

Waiting waiting waiting

2009-08-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

29 July 2009

So here I am again in the 2WW. My chart was all over the place this month. FF thinks I ovulated on day 10. I think it was around day 15 though. The thing with charting is it can give me an illusion of control. I'm doing something, right? But when the 2WW comes around it becomes quite obvious that I'm not calling the shots. I'm trying not to get too hopeful this month, as last month I was shattered when I wasn't pregnant. I've started to think that it might be ok if it takes a while. Not what I want but ok. I guess that's all part of the healing. I've moved from being resentful that I ever have to worry about fertility and being pregnant again, through trying to think positively about a future pregnancy but being extremely anxious that it doesn't take as long to conceive as with Luca, to being less worried and more hopeful. This could change at any time without warning I'm sure. I think it helps that I've been able to talk more about Luca lately. Thank goodness for people who listen and even better ask questions or talk about him themselves!

Mum and I knocked a wall out in the kitchen today. Getting ready to make me a pantry. Hooray! And I got the car serviced so very productive.

I've finished a couple of pages in Luca's scrap book. One is Eliana's page and the photos are her helping to plant Luca's garden. The other is one for Steve and I. When your baby dies you do feel like if you can get through this you can get through anything and I wanted to make a page especially for us.

I've been going OK this week I think. Steve is away all week in Canberra for work and Eliana is sick but it's been ok emotionally. Had a bad day last week when my friend at work posted photos of her newborn baby boy on facebook and he looked really like Luca, except alive. That was very very hard. At Louise's house last night she went to tend to her 4 month old and left me to look at the photos on her computer. I scrolled through and of course there were so many of her daughter. They made me very sad. Not because of what she had, but because of what I have missed out on. Photos of first breastfeeds, family members holding the baby (I have a few of these but my family members look miserable - hers are beaming), family outings with the baby, mum with the baby, dad with the baby, first smiles. And a sense of the happiness that slipped through my fingers.

I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep - thoughts keeping me up again. The guilt revisited. Going through things I could have done/should have done. Mandy came to visit today and I talked to her about the guilt. She said she thinks I'll have those thoughts for some time but I'll be ok. Not stuck. OK. I really want to see the sunshine again. I'm weeping now just thinking about it.

I had my work in progress talk at uni on monday for my masters. I was worried that one of the students who I haven't seen since I was pregnant would ask how my baby was just before I was due to give the talk. She did ask, but not until afterwards thank goodness. She asked in front of two students who don't know me. They didn't know where to look when I answered. I think they wanted to run away. It's been a while since I've told someone new. I still find myself saying that I didn't get the treatment I needed and that I feel guilty and angry. I'm not sure that I want those things to be the central part of Luca's story though. Maybe I can practice other things I could say. Or maybe I just need to get it out a bit more and my focus will change over time.

Better get off to bed. I'm meant to be having an early night.

Will the real me please come back?

2009-08-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

19 July 2009

The weekend was really challenging. It should have occurred to me that if church for a couple of hours is hard because of all the babies and pregnant women, a whole weekend marrieds retreat was maybe not a good idea. But it didn't. I was looking forward to it because last year I enjoyed it so much. Then I was standing there in the dining area of the camp and had the strongest feeling of de ja vu, but a really bad de ja vu... Last year I was right here, pregnant, excited about completing our family. This year everything was just the same, except me.

Where did that happy, confident woman go? The one who didn't worry, didn't stress, was never anxious? The one with hope in her heart about the future? I want to know, because I want her back.

For a break during the weekend Steve and I went to an op shop and then had a coffee in Dromana.
We were just across from the beach so we went to watch the sunset. It was very windy and choppy and I stood at the water by myself and let the noise in my heart out. Not a scream, not a grunt, more like a primordial aaaaggghhhhhrrrrrrrrr. It was loud and it came from deep within. I felt stupid doing that with Steve standing near me, but I've had so few opportunities to really express myself like that. I have a lot of different feelings from day to day but it felt like anger I was letting out then. The sheer unfairness of it all.

One good thing about the weekend was that lots of people were kind enough to listen to me and talk with me. I think I looked so demolished that for once people didn't assume that I'm all better. I got to talk about my struggles with God - if he let my baby die (or even made it happen?) then how can I seek comfort from him? Of course there is a bigger question here. Why do bad things happen to good people? And no one knows the answer to that. We try.... because of sin in the world; to teach us something; for purposes we don't yet know; so that we appreciate the good etc etc. But when it is your baby who dies none of these are really enough. They go some way to explain why abstract, far away suffering occurs. But not mine, not me, not my baby. When it happens to you, you realise that it doesn't make sense after all.

On friday I heard that my friend from work had her baby boy. It really brings it all back every time. The wanting, yearning, pining. I hope it will get better when (if) I get pregnant. Fourth cycle since we've been trying now, but I've been feeling more and more that this time has joined onto last time (when we were TTC Luca). So that's coming up to 2 years.

I think the scrapbooking materials I ordered online are waiting at the post office - I got a parcel carded on friday. So can't wait to pick it up tomorrow morning. I've got a few layouts planned and just need some more bits and pieces to put them together. Here's a sneak peak of my ideas:

I feel sad. Think positive. I feel sad...

2009-08-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

13 July 2009

Things just keep happening that reinforce my sadness. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm feeling negative. You know that feeling you get that everything you touch turns bad? And then when you are down you notice all the bad things and minimise the good things.

Yesterday at church one friend was congratulating another on the birth of her baby. She told her 'you've done well' and I just thought, 'what does that mean I've done?' People say these comments to women who've had babies all the time. 'Well done' they say. So that means I have failed, done badly. I do feel like such a failure.

I went to my nephew's first birthday party. I've known lots of my sister's friends for years and they are usually really friendly. But yesterday I felt like I had the mark of death on my forehead, as people tried not to make eye contact, let alone talk to me. I realise that people don’t know what to say – I’m well acquainted with the concept in fact – but it doesn’t make it any easier. I worked Luca into a conversation with one of my sister’s best friends and she said ‘oh no I’ve made you sad’ and I said what I always say ‘it’s ok, I like talking about him’. ‘Well it makes me too sad’ she said, followed by ‘you don’t want another one anyway – it’s too much work’. What are people thinking when they say these things? There was about 7 baby boys there. I couldn't believe it, but I'm glad I hadn't realised there would be so many - I was already anxious enough about going. Just the effort of trying to look happy and not cry for several hours in a row was exhausting.

I did get AF. I was hopeful right to the end, even though I thought it was coming. I'm trying to look forward. Don't look back - it's dangerous - guilt, anger and failure lurk there waiting to strangle me.

I've got two support groups this week. Maybe they'll help get some things out. Both are SIDS and Kids groups - hope and healing tomorrow night, and subsequent pregnancy (which you can go to pregnant, trying, or thinking about it) on wednesday night. I missed the SANDS one tonight as I was trying something different - yoga! It was quite good and something very protective happened - there were no babies and no pregnant women. I know that's a horrible thing to enjoy but it was a break from being surrounded by people who have what I want and don't have.

So, good things. DH just brought me a cup of my favourite tea (Bright Night from T2); the cricket has finished so Steve's not watching it tonight; I've started yoga classes; my friend Belinda came over today and she brought flowers for me; DH and I are going to a church retreat on the weekend without Eliana; I've been working on some more pages for Luca's scrapbook and have also started Eliana's - I'm looking forward to showing them off.

I really need some long term good things too. Things to look forward to. Things to take my focus off what-if-I-never-have-a-live-baby-again... my constant background thought that runs and runs, unless I make the mistake of looking backwards and it is drowned out by I-killed-my-baby. Should have has become my closest companion. Will it help to get pregnant again? Will it help to have another baby? Or will I always feel like a failure for failing Luca?

Crushed in spirit

2009-08-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

9 July 2009

My spirit feels crushed today.

Yesterday Luca would have been 6 months old. I spent much of the day 'with' him. My SIDS and Kids counsellor visited which was really good timing as I was able to talk about him for 2 hours. I looked through his photos and read the cards people sent when he was stillborn. I looked through his photos again with Steve. I set out some pages for his scrapbook, selecting photos and thinking about some lay outs. I held his urn, but as usual, didn't feel anything in particular. Just sad. I stood in his garden in the sun and tried to think that I have been blessed to have him. Bianca came over for a cup of tea - it was lovely to have some company. And I met mum and Eliana in Williamstown for coffee and cake. I cried for much of the day.

So I had plenty to do, for me, and for Luca. I thought it was good to set some time aside for him. But today I feel so crushed. For the first time in months I had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other. My legs felt impossibly heavy. I don't feel like eating. I'm at uni but not really getting much done. I just want to cry.

I'm getting AF which of course is a source of sadness. I did a pregnancy test yesterday because I had thought I was pregnant this month and I thought if it was positive it would be nice to find out on Luca's 6 month anniversary. It was just a waste of a test though. I've never tested early before.

Steve will be out tonight. He's got umpire training and then he's going to the greyhound racing at Sandown. I'm dreading being all alone. I never used to be that way and I want the old me back - in so many ways, I want the old me back. I looked at my reflection today and I look ugly and tired. No spark and no substance.

How do I drag myself back up again? I know I need to go on with Luca, as my grief counsellor says. And the book I've been reading is all about connection with someone who's died. But I just want him back. That's all there is to it really.

My week of babies

2009-08-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

5 July 2009

OK, I need to vent about all the babies in my life!

Tuesday. Went to Bianca's for a cup of tea so lots of Harriet. Her and Luca were meant to grow up together. Actually don't feel so bad around her because I love her family so much.

Friday. Ministry night with our new church ministry. There was Joanne and Dennis - Joanne is quite pregnant and Denis constantly asked questions like 'what's it like having a new baby'. What was he thinking?
Peggy and Jacque were there with their baby who was born not long after Luca. They were only too happy to talk about babies all night. It was a nightmare.

Saturday. Party at Therase's for her birthday. Her friend Tea came with her baby Summer. We had our babies at the same time and I've seen her a couple of times since then but she's never acknowledged Luca at all. She saw me pregnant. In fact she cooked lunch for me the day Luca died (though I didn't know it yet of course). We swapped stories about our gestational diabetes. Now nothing. To top it off everyone made a huge fuss of her baby. Tea came and sat next to me with her and I had to endure 'how old is your baby?'. 'Almost six months'. Luca would have been six months old this coming wednesday. It just breaks my heart.

Sunday. Ah church. Place of so many babies. Place of so many pregnant women. Place of so many people who don't get it and say stupid things like 'don't worry, you can have another one'. I can never decide whether to not go for a while or just put up with it. In the meantime I'm not sure it's good for my emotional health. We missed church on wednesday this week to go to a community agitation meeting about a proposed 54 apartment development in our street. Otherwise wednesday night would have been more of the same.

Right. Glad that's off my chest. I'm hoping it will get easier soon. I did have a bit of a breakthrough. Therase announced her pregnancy on saturday and I felt happy for her. Yes, actual happiness! I wonder if it's a bit easier because I feel really positive about TTC this month. I haven't told anyone yet that I have a good feeling about this month. But now I've written it here so it must be true! I'd love to be pregnant with Therase. And my best friend is planning an IVF cycle soonish. I'd double love to be pregnant with her.

I've felt really ripped off about having to be pregnant again, since I thought we had completed our family, but I'm starting to feel a little better about it. I've been trying to focus more on an actual baby - a person, not a pregnancy. And thinking about friends who could be pregnant at the same time helps too.

For this entry's photo I have this to offer - my first scrapbooked page of Luca:

I apologise to all those people I scoffed at because I thought scrapbooking was stupid. The counsellor at the women's said the other day 'you need to find ways to mother your baby even though he is not here'. That is so true. I'm reading a wonderful book at the moment about maintaining a connection with someone who has died - The heart of grief: death and the search for lasting love by Thomas Attig. It is sad in a way because a lot of what he talks about is memories (it's not specific to pregnancy loss), and with a stillborn baby there are no memories of his life. But it is still really lovely and helpful.

Happiness with sad thoughts

2009-08-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

30 June 2009

Sadness can come from the most unexpected of places. The other day I was looking through my friend's photos of her newly completed family of four and I would have been on my knees if I wasn't already sitting down. They looked gorgeous together. How I long for photos of my family of four.

We've just been on holiday in the Whitsundays for a week and I am feeling happier than I've felt since Luca died. I worry that I'll feel sad again soon enough, with 8 July coming up - the date that Luca would have been 6 months old. Last time I felt a little bit happier I told my grief counsellor that I was worried my happiness wouldn't last (it didn't - the birth of my friend's sweet little baby completely derailed me) and he said to just enjoy it while it lasts. So I'm trying to take his advice now.

Here's some holiday pictures. There's one of me smiling a real live genuine smile.

I've been reading a wonderful book 'An exact replica of a figment of my imagination'. It's a memoir written by Elizabeth McCracken whose first baby was stillborn. I finished it in one day and while I was reading it I often thought 'thank goodness someone understands'. I liked this bit:

I'm not crazy, but I'm being careful: I am not crazy, but if I'm not careful I will take a wrong step and end up in the forest.

I can so relate to that.

I ovulated yesterday and we had a few well timed BDs so here's hoping. The very thought of getting pregnant is terrifying. The thought of not getting pregnant (not so much this month, but ever) is also terrifying. I should be finished with this TTC business but I try not to let my mind go there too often, as I think it's disrespectful of our future child.

I've caught myself several times thinking of a subsequent child as 'him'. I've never allocated a sex to an as-yet-to-be-conceived baby before. I'm sure part of me thinks it will be Luca again. So I've been trying to think of our future baby. Problem is, I don't think I've ever done that before. Certainly not before I found out I was pregnant. What is there really to think about. I try to imagine having a little baby in my arms but that is too far down the track - it's a panic moment - it wont happen. So, closer in, I try to imagine being pregnant, particularly feeling the baby move. But of course baby movements are all tied up in what was and what could have been, and if only I'd gone down to emergency that day when Luca was moving less, and I try not to go there - to where all the what ifs lurk. Is there any part of pregnancy, labour or birth which is not now tainted, fraught with danger and sadness?

It took me 18 months to make him...

2009-08-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

16 June 2009

I've really struggled to know what to say when people tell me to move on. But after having a really good friend and my dad say it in the last couple of days I've come up with:

It took almost a year for us to get pregnant and then I grew Luca inside me for almost 9 months. I can't get over losing him in five months.

But that's not really not quite right. How can I explain? I really want to be understood but the words don't come. And when they do, who's really listening?

Dad also said 'at least you've still got Eliana'. That's another favourite. I adore Eliana but I want both my children. What's hard to understand about that? He was almost here. He should be here. At least dad was talking about it and asked me some questions about how I was going etc. It was probably the most in depth talk I've ever had with him and I do really appreciate his effort. I'm trying to see other people's efforts positively, even if they seem to have forgotten or just want me to be better. It's so easy to assume the worst when I'm feeling worthless and vulnerable. I try to remind myself that I'm not the only one who has problems. I do try to focus on others and be loving and giving towards my friends and family.

The other day I had another person tell me that their pet just died so they understand what I'm going through now. Don't get me wrong, I think pets are great, but this really doesn't make me feel understood.

I'm trying to be gracious when people say the wrong thing. Grateful even. After all, I complain when people say nothing. And no one really can say the right thing because how could they honestly say 'it was all a big mistake. Here he is'.

Is there anything I can do?
Yes, you can turn back time and bring Luca back to me.
And if that isn't possible, just be on my side while I face the demons.
Molly Fumia.

So in other news, AF did come and I'm not pregnant. I know it's ridiculous to be this down about it. We've only been trying for two months. But I'm so worried it will take a year again. And my spirit is already crushed. Everybody seems to have an idea of what I should do. 'Go to my chiropractor... try my chinese herbalist... go see your GP... I know a woman who uses Brazilian herbs... there's that woman in Queensland - you should try her. And my all time favourite 'just relax'.

I wish I had some memories of Luca to keep me company during the dark times. If only I could have seen him cry, breath, open his eyes. If only he'd lived a day, an hour, even a minute. It would never have been long enough but it would have been something to go back to. And if he'd lived a while, maybe more people would understand that he was a real baby who matters to me and is bitterly missed by me.

Eliana got to meet Dorothy the Dinosaur today as part of the Red Nose Day lead up! She was pretty excited. I think she looks adorable in her little red tunic. She gave Dorothy a hug before posing for the photo. She was really very bold. I was very proud!!

I also took a cute picture of Eliana multitasking at Patrick's birthday party yesterday. A multitasking fairy!

Life goes on. Other people's that is.

2009-08-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

13 June 2009

I'm spotting still. Expect AF tomorrow, but I always hope until she actually turns up. I feel like getting plastered if I'm not pg. I never drink to get drunk but I've been thinking that the last few days! Haven't had alcohol since I got pregnant with Luca this time last year so maybe I will have a drink.

I went to a Liz's maternity farewell afternoon tea yesterday at work. I didn't break down in public thank goodness. It was really hard though. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack when I first walked in. We have the same boss so when he was giving his farewell speech it was like de ja vu. He was giving mine in December. And I know he would have said much the same for me 'good luck with the birth. We're looking forward to seeing the baby. Enjoy your time off'. But the good luck didn't happen. I never got to show off my baby. And I haven't enjoyed my time off. I do feel like a symbol of what can go wrong too. I hope she was pleased I came, rather than reminded of what can go wrong.

Everyone said they were looking forward to me coming back, but I'm dreading it. I would love to take more time off but we can't afford it. At least the swine flu command centre has moved away from our floor. It's on the first floor now because they needed more space. Not sure if my boss is planning on me helping with it. I stupidly said 'good thanks' when he asked how I was yesterday. Now I'm worried because I want him to know that I'm not ok. I wont be just the same as ever.

I was trying to think yesterday about the progress I have made. I came up with:

I'm not nauseous in the mornings any more. The first couple of months after Luca died I threw up sometimes in the morning and couldn't really eat much.
I've gone into uni
I've gone to my first maternity leave farewell
I've gotten through my first children's birthday party
Survived mother's day
I don't cry myself to sleep much any more
I don't feel like I can't breath any more
I've almost stopped crying everytime I drop Eliana off at child care (where I should be settling Luca in now)
I can hold babies without crying. Although I certainly feel like crying.
I don't stare at pregnant women and babies quite so much when I'm out and about
I don't spend hours at night any more thinking about the ways I failed Luca

But all in all the sadness is never far away. And when I wake up at night I now think about something happening to Eliana. I have these what if movies going on where she runs onto the road or I see her face down in the water at the beach. All I can really do is hope that 'this too will pass'.

Steve is umpiring today but I don't want to go. It's too cold. And I don't want to stay home - I get too sad and find it too hard with Eliana (I'm so ashamed to say that - I do love her, it's just really hard right now). I'd like to invite myself over to a friend's house but I worry these days. I think 'who would want to hang around me?'. I just want to talk about Luca, at least some of the time anyway. And people find me sad. Lately I've taken to looking at photos of myself smiling on Christmas day and thinking 'that's when I used to be happy'.

I made it

2009-08-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

11 June 2009

I finally made it into uni today. This is a really big deal for me. My Masters is going nowhere as I always cry when I'm at home alone meant to be studying. So here I am. I'm finding it hard to be here too, but I think I'm just going through a rough patch generally. And I have actually gotten some work done.

I'm proud of myself for coming in because I find it really hard to do new things and meet new people now. A SIDS and Kids counsellor was meant to visit me at home this morning at 10am and at 10:15am I got a call to say she was sick and wasn't able to make it. Since it was getting a bit late I almost didn't bother coming to uni. And then I decided it wasn't going to get any easier if I kept putting it off. I'm so relieved I've done it.

I am dreading when I see people from my lectures last year and they ask me how the baby is, but I'll deal with that when it happens, just like I have at other places. I cried talking to Tania this morning. Poor her! We don't know each other that well. Her sons go to Eliana's childcare. She told me that her older son Henry said 'I was sad at childcare today. But Eliana helped - she gave me a toy'. Isn't that sweet? I'm proud of my little one.

Church was really hard again last night. There were three babies and two pregnant women there. This is out of only just over 20 people. And the dads of two of the babies (both born around the same time as Luca) were holding them up together to 'introduce' them to one another. I started getting teary during the singing when I could see one of them cooing away in her pram. People must think I'm an idiot. When I said to one lady later that I was a bit sad she said 'don't worry - this time next year you could have a baby in your arms'. Well yes I could and I'd be thrilled but nothing will take away the pain of losing Luca. I'm really getting 'aren't you over it yet' vibes now and it hurts so much. It really adds to the pain.

Luca was meant to complete our family and now our family will never be complete.

All sad and no one to talk to

2009-08-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

10 June 2009

I've been finding it harder and harder to get anyone to talk about Luca or even listen to me talk about him. Even friends who used to talk a little are sick of me. I'm sorry I'm still needy. I'm sad that I'm still sad. But I just am. I should be settling my little boy into childcare. Preparing to feed him 'solids'. And all around me I have babies doing what Luca should be doing. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry. And if someone could hold me when I cry, and not turn away, that would be perfect.

I'm getting spotting again this month. It makes the 2ww shorter anyway. I don't know what to do about it. It's just over a year since the day I found out I was pregnant with Luca. I was so happy. And I was so happy during his pregnancy that I wouldn't have to worry about fertility ever again. How stupid was I?

Magical thinking

2009-08-09T05:30:00.000-07:00

5 June 2009

Sometimes I feel like I was so close to having Luca in my arms alive and well, that surely there must be some way I could go back and retrieve him. Of course I know this is not possible but I find myself thinking it sometimes. I've come to think of it as magical thinking. Wish it was really magic.

I've been in Tassie with a girlfriend and our girls (my 3yo and her 1yo) for a week. Stupidly I booked the holiday across my fertile time. We BDed the night I got home but I had a temp rise the next day. Fertility friend has deemed it too late. I guess we'll see. I still had LP spotting last month anyway.

It's a bit deflating being at home again after being away on holiday. I'm stressed about my Masters and the house is all messy. I wanted to go to my local ABA gather and chat this morning but I just couldn't. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to love doing.

I mentioned to a counsellor yesterday that Steve is getting tired of me. She said I should write a letter to Luca telling him how good a dad Steve would have been to him, and then leave it lying around for Steve to read. I'm not too sure about the whole letter writing thing though. I don't feel that Luca knows I am doing it. I'd love to feel that he is with me in that way - watching down on me but really I don't. The best I can do is feel that I carry him in my heart and that he may cause some positive change in my life.

The counsellor got me to do a depression questionnaire. I got 26. Over 20 is depression worth worrying about. She said I should consider seeing a GP for some Zoloft (antidepressant). I don't want to mess with my body now though, not while I'm TTC. If anything happened to our next baby that I could possibly blame myself for I really couldn't live with it. My guilt over Luca is so great already.

Today I talked to my friend about her mother who is expected to die from cancer soon. I had conversations that I never would have had before losing Luca. I just wouldn't have known what to say. Not that I know now, but I know to say something and see where it leads. Last week I wrote the first poem I have written since we had to write them at school. My friend's sister Mary died a couple of years ago and it was Mary's birthday while we were away so I wrote a poem about her. I read it to my friend on Mary's birthday and it made her cry. I think she really appreciated it. The old me would definitely not have done that. So, thank you Luca, my darling boy. Whether you can 'hear' me or not, thank you for the gift you gave me in you, and the gifts you are still giving me. I hope I can be strong enough to see what they are and to use them fully.

Meanderings of a broken heart

2009-08-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

25 May 2009

Church was torturous again yesterday. I'm thinking about not going for a while. But I'm worried that Steve will be ashamed of me. I think he's getting sick of me anyway. The other night I practically begged him to give me some encouragement and he hardly had anything to say. So I cried even more. It's not that hard - just lavish me with love and affection. Help me to feel like I'm not completely worthless.

Saw my SIL yesterday. She told me about her brother who died 10 years ago. She said she felt a lot of guilt over his death and she still feels guilty even now. So I guess it doesn't go away - you just learn to live with it. She said she doesn't think about it all the time now, but when she does it's just as fresh. I feel so bad for her... it's bad enough having someone you love die without thinking that it could have been prevented. Without thinking that it could have been prevented BY YOU.

I'm thinking about offering to go into work and help out. Apparently the Swine Flu room is now being manned from 8am to 10pm and they need 12 people per shift. But I'm still struggling with thoughts that if I hadn't cared about my work too much when I was pregnant with Luca I wouldn't have switched back to midwife treatment (to get into work earlier) and I may have gotten the right treatment and Luca may be here. Fairly or unfairly, these thoughts are making me resent my boss (and hate myself). And I guess my priorities have changed.

My friend wrote me a poem a while back:

BEC

Sorrowful eyes,

Heartbroken sighs,

I wish I could ease your pain.

But you're far away,

With Luca today,

Wishing you could hold him again.

When a baby cries,

Tears come to your eyes,

The sadness is always so near.

Not much I can do,

To help you get through,

But if you need me, I’m here.

I love the words 'you're far away with Luca today'. It explains so well how I often feel. Disconnected. Like the here and now doesn't matter much. I'm still busy puzzling over what could have been.

I'm off to the natural fertility woman today. Have printed out my charts. Had to use Eliana's pink paper as I've used all the white. Hope she can help.

Not the month

2009-08-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

17 May 2009

So I got AF today after a couple of days of spotting. My cycle was only 23 days. I'm thinking of making an appointment with the natural fertility practitioner I saw when trying to conceive with Luca. But I'll have to tell her that I let the baby she helped me conceive last time die at 35 weeks.

Had a wonderful day yesterday at the SIDS and Kids nurturing your memories day. I did meditation, laughter yoga (which I loved!), had a massage, did scrapbooking and made a memory candle. And I got to talk about Luca, and other people's babies who've died, all day without anyone going quiet, looking awkward or changing the subject.

Then last night I went to the Singalong Sound of Music which DH gave me tickets to for mother's day. Went with a girlfriend and we had a hoot. I sang every word so throat is a bit sore today!!

Brett, whose turn it was to choose the songs for church today let me choose them. DH and I chose all our favourites and they were sung today. It was so wonderful, and very thoughtful of him.

I've been loving this poem by Leunig:

Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate
Go through the gate and head straight out  towards the horizon 
Keep going towards the horizon 
Sit down and have a rest every now and again 
But keep on going. Just keep on with it. 
Keep on going as far as you can.  
That’s how you get there.

Leunig

Get down and boogie

2009-08-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

12 May 2009

Managed to BD twice in what I hope was my fertile window. Fertility friend had me ovulating on day 14, not 17 like usual and I didn't really have fertile CM. So I don't hold out much hope, but at the same time I do, because I always to when TTC! It was lovely rediscovering that even conception sex is romantic with Steve.

I thought I might cry (which would be bad really) but I only got a little teary. That was in the ahem afterglow when I was thinking how this baby will be conceived in love. Which made me think about how Luca was conceived in love. Sigh.

Of course now Steve's in the bad books. Eliana and I are both sick and he got home from work last night at 8:30pm. So I had to do the day shift and the evening shift feeling revolting. Took her to the doctor as she said she had a sore ear. Thank goodness I did because she did have an infection. Tried to give her baby Panadol at Bianca's house but she spat it across the room. It was almost an exorcist moment.

I've been scanning old photos in to put on facebook which has been really fun. But now when I look at old photos of Steve and I smiling away, I can't help thinking 'that's before we knew that babies could die'.

I got through mother's day ok. These days ok means my sanity is still barely intact. We had a picnic with extended family and no one mentioned Luca - he's like the elephant in the room now. My sister Sarah (understandably) kept going on about how it was her first mother's day. I just wanted to yell 'well it's my first mother's day without one of my children, how about some special attention for me'. It's when I have thoughts like that I worry that losing Luca will change me for the worse.

Was thinking about my sister when I couldn't sleep last night. Her baby Lachlan is about to turn a year old and I remembered that we started TTC at the same time. Now she has an almost one year old and I have an angel baby and a broken heart.

Here are some nice pics of Eliana and my mum from mother's day.

TTC starts now

2009-08-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

Well this week has been better. I've only cried once. That I can remember. Could have been more. Mmmm probably was.

Play group was good on tuesday. There were three other mothers there and they were all lovely. One had a 5 month old girl but I coped ok. One of the mums had a craft for the kids to do - scrapbooked photo frames. Eliana did a lovely one with Luca's picture in it. She chose the picture and cut out the grass and chose the colours etc. It was great talking to the other mums about Luca and about their babies. Eliana had a good time too.

Bit worried about our TTC chances this month. Finally the month we agreed to try has come around. It should be today or tomorrow as I should ovulate on sunday. I thought it was really good timing as we could try today - Luca would have been 4 months old today - and I would ovulate on sunday - which is mothers day. But Steve is in pain - weird upper body pain. I doubt he'll be up for it. Should I ask anyway... I just don't know. I'll be shattered if we have to miss this month completely after waiting for it so long.

A better week

2009-08-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

3 May 2009

I think it's time for me to get some joy back again. I may have to wrestle it back. Luca would be 4 months old this coming week and it's hard to focus on positive things. I keep thinking about how he would be smiling heaps now and his little personality would be emerging. But I'm determined to have a more positive week.

I really hope I become a better person because of Luca. I know I am a changed person and I worry that it will be for the worse.

Some of the positive things I can think of are:

Having Steve at home for 3 months
If we have another child he or she will be a child we would not have had
I'll be able to help other people who lose loved ones
Some of my relationships have become closer
I am more grateful for Eliana
I have learned a lot about myself
I've lost weight and am healthier
We have a beautiful front garden, as we replanted it to remember Luca by
Life and love seem more precious now
Hopefully I'll end up with some friends I would not have met otherwise

I'm going to go to a playgroup on tuesday that's for families who have lost babies. Hopefully I will find some people to talk to as I worry my friends are getting sick of it after 4 months.

My new weapon in the potty training arsenal is working. Lego. A big bucket of it. She's allowed to choose a piece to add to her lego collection every time she sits.

Moving on? Not quite yet.

2009-08-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

30 April 2009

Yikes, even my counsellor thinks I should move on. I deemed her wrong and didn't make another appointment. I think that like many of my friends, and definitely my family, she doesn't know what to say to me. Found a lovely quote the other day:

My friend, you do not say to me 'cease grieving'. Thank you. Until it is time to do so, I cannot stop this process, however strange and undesired it may be. But I promise you, your nearness now will help to bring my mourning to a gracious end. Molly Fumia.

Went to see my naturopath Natalie today. She gave me some homeopathic tablets and some bach flower essences to help deal with my sadness, as well as probiotics and a new herbal mix - one that's safe in pregnancy.

My liver is great now, according to the freaky VEGA machine. I've been reading up on hormonal balance and have a long list of things I can do. The diet I've been on and exercise I've already been doing is part of it so I'm already on my way.

Even if I get the cholestasis again I'll be very healthy! I've lost heaps of weight. Would never recommend having a baby die as a weight loss method, but at least something positive is happening in my life.

Natalie said that my luteal phase is long enough to support a pregnancy. I'm 10 days til ovulation (which is a very regular day 17 for me), so 7 days til we should be trying in earnest. I hope I don't feel too down. I've said all along that if I don't feel like doing it, then it's not time yet. Not that we haven't had sex at all since January, we have, just not since I've been feeling particularly low the last couple of weeks. It seems like Steve is never home at night anyway now that footy season has started.

He's out now so I'm off to do the dishes.

You have to start somewhere

2009-08-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

30 April 2009

Luca died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. He was born two days later. A gorgeous 6 pound little boy, perfect in every way but his heart wasn't beating. Steve and I got to have him with us for a day.

I'm really struggling now. All my friends who were pregnant at the same time as me have had their babies. One is a dear friend who lives just across the road so I see her often with her beautiful little girl. And when I go to church all the mothers are up the back feeding their babies, where I should be. And 6 of my friends are pregnant. It's tearing me apart, constantly torturing me with the thought that I should have Luca here with me. I want the simple joy back - the joy I used to feel when friends had babies and announced pregnancies.

I am supposed to be working on my Masters today while Eliana is in child care but I can't concentrate. The house is a pigsty. I'm having trouble eating. I'm just a complete mess.

Next month we're going to TTC again. It took almost a year to conceive Luca. I'll be shattered if it takes that long again. Every month added now is another month to get through before I know whether I'll ever have a live baby in my arms again. I had obstetric cholestasis during my pregnancy, and also during Eliana's pregnancy. She was ok and is now 3, Luca died after I didn't get the proper treatment for it, and I will probably have it again with number 3. I'm hoping that TTC will make it easer to be around babies and pregnant women. Some hope for the future.

My brightest hope that I only dare to hope in my good moments (haven't had one of those for several days) is that I wont get the cholestasis again. I've been seeing a naturopath and taking herbs to support my liver.

Alongside with feeling sadder again these last couple of weeks, the guilt has come back in force. More wishes. If only I'd...
But I can only go forward.

I have the same luteal defect I had when TTC Luca. At least now I know what it is and how to treat it. I feel really cursed though.

Well I think that's enough rambling for my first entry. I hope my next one will be more positive, if not in content, then in tone. Luca means 'bringer of light'. I really want to get past this overwhelming sadness. It's not what I want for he and I.